Getting Help

01 Mar

After spending the past 2 months feeling more and more down, dealing with things I have found out to be flashbacks and generally struggling to get out of bed, I have decided I need to do something about it before I end up doing something I would regret.

So I have made an appointment to see a GP. I have conflicting feelings about this – firstly I am glad I still have the motivation to do something about this but on the other hand I feel like I am wasting an appointment and someone who really needs it should be taking it. I don’t know what the doctor can do and am nervous they will tell me to get on with things and stop being so stupid.

1 Comment

Posted by on March 1, 2011 in Uncategorized


Tags: , ,

One response to “Getting Help

  1. jessicasinjustices

    April 14, 2016 at 3:20 am

    This is exactly how I felt, took me nearly a week before I could even bring myself to allow myself to call it rape, let alone gang rape, let alone say that to other people. Accepting what had happened and getting help wasn’t somehow selfish or embellishing something that just got out of hand was hard, very hard, because admitting all that to myself enough to accept it meant accepting I wasn’t in control of the situation, or myself, they had been, it took a lot to admit that coz no one wants to feel weak, it’s not what we were but it’s how it feels, should have could have, would have thinking that’s negative if not done with the aid of professionals and most of us start accepting it before we ever seek help so we kinda damage ourselves further by hiding away in denial, but we shouldn’t berate ourselves over it as it happens out of fear and self preservation, admitting we wernt in control leaves us feeling more vulnerable, so we only hide and deny to protect ourselves. I’m so glad your self preservation towards your life eventually superseded your self preservation of perceived control. I say perceived as we think by hiding and denying it either happens as it did or by denying ourselves to believe we went through something bad enough to even warrant help, but we are merely holding on to life by a thread, grasping at control, survival doesn’t always equate to being in control of anything we feel or experience, more’s the pity, if only everything actually got fixed by hiding away isolating and tucking it all down to the depths of your mind locked away never to be spoke about or acknowledged! It genuinely and sincerely sucks ass that we are the ones who have to put in any, let alone hard work to recover from what they stole, they, in a perfect and syfi type world they would be forced to somehow fix the bits they broke or stole. But instead it’s unjustly our hard work is the only thing that works, with the aid of professionals. An it sucks ass we need help to get better, coz until your fixed enough to genuinely appreciate the help that’s given it’s all to easy to resent needing help other than self love and time. Having to be taught or re taught something you consider you should be able to accomplish or thought you already knew how to acomplish unaided is/feels morally and mentally depressing/degrading. An yeah eventually you feel it helping and the resentments or reservations you had dissipate but only as they teach you how to over come it and you have more days affects you less that you start thanking the stars these ppl were even there to help you out the other side, that without them we may have died possibly, either by our own hands, lack of self care or reckless living. That’s why.I said genuinely appreciate earlier, coz of course we appreciate the help when it comes, but we simply can’t appreciate the help until we start recovering, it’s not like we can help it, we were in a dark place basically despising our own existence coz it bloody hurt to be alive and think and need and we hated needing help even if in the beginning we couldn’t admit all this to ourselves, or even recognise it at that point, but yeah the guilt of being a burden, the guilt and resentment of needing help, especially someone other than ourselves causing us to need help, well it it renders us,.in no way our fault or intention, but unable to fully and genuinely appreciate he help of professionals. Kinda like to begin with I kept thinking “I’m glad the services are there, I can acknowledge that the services are there to help, and people keep saying it will if I give it a go but bugger me I’d rather.none of this ever happened and didn’t have to endure reliving it all until I find my internal off switch but how can I, what on earth could make this go away, it’s happened and I can’t ever change that, no one can ” compared to the period that healing finally starts to feel noticeable, which felt more like “thank goodness you guys were here, I didn’t even think this would really help, thought I was lumbered feeling like that forever, coz I thought it happened and I’ll never forget. I didn’t even realise it wasn’t about forgetting, I never realised I could actually be helped and couldn’t admit to myself I felt that hopeless, my hope was even a mask to hide my pain and I didn’t even know” It’s so important to trust the professionals when self doubt and self loathing are so intense due to the trauma and hyper vigilance that you can no longer differentiate between a gut feeling advising you against something or warning you of danger and when the self loathing and self doubt, which makes good decision making near on impossible and is in no way conductive to healthy recovery if attempted without the support of professionals, they really are superheroes and I don’t say that lightly. As hard as letting someone telling you what’s best for you when your feeling like you need to be completely in control to stay safe is hard, really hard, but it’s essential to getting through this with as little residual damage as possible. Never let you perpetrators win over and over again after the event by delaying asking for help or for thinking you somehow don’t deserve help, nor beat yourself up if it takes a while to allow yourself to accept it happened and it affected you. Once you realise or accept what happened, get help. Whoever’s reading these, this is for you as well as the op, and to remind myself I suppose; you never deserved it happening, did nothing to warrant the attack/abuse, no matter what preceded the event, or after, no amount of what you wear or didn’t, what you were doing at the time or how you conducted yourself, no words you said, didn’t say or feel you should have or still need to say, no amount of who you know, who your related to or affiliated to, no matter where your from, what colour your hair is, how attractive you fell or don’t feel, no matter how attractive others find you or don’t, no matter how educated you are or aren’t, weather your ‘street wise’ or innocent in your dealings with anyone or anything, whether you enjoy sex or don’t, or are a virgin, sexually average or promiscuous, whether you like ppl or prefer solitude, weather your extroverted, introverted or reclusive, if your a different colour or different ethnicity or same, if u believe in anything or nothing, I don’t care if you feel anyway in the slightest that you somehow had it coming, provoked it somehow, deserved karma somehow (I was no my youth and this was my personal self blame) wether you could have/should have done something in your mind to prevent it, should have could have fought back more/less to change the outcome, that you were somehow in anyway in control of it and ever had power over any of what happened, not matter how rational or right any of those things feel………respectful, genuine heartfelt respect, nothing,NOTHING ever warrants or makes you deserving what happened. Your personal and physical rights were violated. Nothing you could have done would have changed it other than likely to have made it worse (stark reality) you didn’t decide to experience this, the person or people who committed the atrocity against us chose for us, they subjected us to something we.Never wanted/asked for. They took control, we never gave it, no might feel like we did some how. It never was nor will it ever be our fault. It’s just our job to get.better, unfairly or not, the choice to steal ourselves back for ourselves or to allow the trauma to engulf us,those are the only choices we ever rally had, if anything we could blame ourselves for anything ,there simply isn’t anything to find, nothing caused it other than the choice the perpetrator made. It’s scary to face it, face that we went in control, but to do otherwise is furthering the abuse we suffered, and we never deserved it, so we deffo shouldn’t punish ourselves, if your friend went through this, you would never in your mind think they deserved it, nor tell them they did and you might encourage them to get help and healthy, coz you care, well try remembering that you deserve as much help as your friend was, and if you start feeling unimportant by your own minds view of your self, remember what you’d say to your friends if it was them not you, and apply the same amount of compassion to yourself, you’re just as important. (Sorry for errors, typing fast and not proof reading done as it’s late, hope it’s readable regardless, much love to anyone going through this one way or another)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: