I wake up to hear my apartment buzzer going, something that doesn’t happen unless I am expecting someone. I look to my phone to see I have a missed call and voicemail – it is from my cc saying she is coming to see me with a doctor for a chat. I open the door for them.
I am really not a morning person and the fact I don’t sleep very well – to be woken up doesn’t put me in the best mood to begin with.
I am introduced to another psychiatrist and told that because my consultant is on holiday, they just want to chat with me to see where I am up to. Then the psychiatrist takes over and says, “to be blunt I have detained people on less than you have told us so far”. He said “we know what date you intend to do it and you have the means so why shouldn’t we ask you to go to hospital?”
He then changes track and asks why would I want to do it anyway. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Based on most people’s western beliefs there are 3 possibilities when you die:
1 – nothing happens
2 – you go somewhere worse
3 – you go somewhere better
If you give them equal weighting then you have a 66% chance that you will be in the same kind of state or better than what you are in now.
Him: But why would you gamble everything you have on those odds
Me: Those are great odds. Put it in another context – you are told that you currently have £10k, and if you chose to, you can have odds of 66% that you either keep that 10k or get more – what would you do?
Him: Ignore the £10k, you are basically asking if I would put everything I have on the line for a 66% chance – no
Me: That is where you need to look at what that person is putting on the line. You obviously have quite a lot to lose, but what about someone who has nothing to lose? They are amazing odds for someone with nothing
Him: Let’s change the subject….
After this exchange it makes me think psychiatrists aren’t used to being questioned themselves!! He tells me I have to show him that I am helping them to look after me or he will have to look at admission. He asks for part of the thing I was going to use – which would mean I couldn’t use my planned method. I say you are backing me in to a corner and basically saying if I don’t do it your way then it’s no way. I either give you this piece or you will put me in hospital. He said basically yes. I gave him the equipment. I also had to agree to see my cc on the 18th.
I am absolutely fuming. The one thing I need to have is control. They took that away from me in the initial assault and I felt like again this was taken from me. My cc asked if I was ok, I said no. She asked if she wanted her to stay, I said no. And then I did something I have never done or thought I would ever do; I told them they could see themselves out as I sat crying in anger.
This has just made me more determined to do something – show them that I have the upper hand. I called the cc to cancel the 17th appointment as I would be seeing her on the 18th. She asked if I was ok, I said “no I am pissed off – I feel betrayed and lost any trust I had in you”. She asked to see me still the next day to talk face to face about the way I felt – I agreed and then sat and cried.