So I am still here!! Let me explain what went on over the weekend. As I planned, I took tablets and then I woke up, so I took some more and so the pattern went until the Monday morning. The following is what I have been told, I have literally no memory of the whole thing. Monday morning my cc left me a voicemail saying it was important I called her today and if I didn’t she would have to call the police. Then she came round, and I apparently got out of bed let her in the building and put the main door on the latch and then went back to bed. I wasn’t making a lot of sense and she told me she was going to call an ambulance but somehow this turned in to her taking me to the hospital herself. When I was asking her about it I asked if I was compliant and she said no, I didn’t want to go at all and for the rest of the day I kept saying I wanted to just go home to bed.
I spent 8 hours basically being ignored and I then self discharged myself – I knew I had a psychiatrist appointment the next day so didn’t need the on call psychiatrist to see me. I had come round a lot by this point and although I felt really ill, I knew I was ok enough to go home.
So how did I feel? Relieved to still be alive? Or angry that I was still here? To be honest, I didn’t really feel anything. Part of me thought maybe it was fate that I am still alive – the fact that my chosen method had been spoiled and that I also found out I had nowhere enough tablets to be fatal. Another part felt stupid, I couldn’t even do this right and then the other part thought did something inside me, that I had ignored, actually not want to die. That if I 100% did wouldn’t I have done something that would have made sure it was the end?
So in reality, I have no idea how I feel – do I still want to die? I want to get rid of this feeling I permanently seem to have – if that means dying then yes, I do! I just feel so alone and I don’t know how to overcome this!