I was due to have my cc come round today – well she did but I didn’t answer. I would never normally do this, I would cancel and not leave someone to have a wasted journey. However, right up until she arrived I didn’t know if I was going to open the door or not. I don’t know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am expecting too much, let me explain.
Last Friday I went to the GUM clinic alone to be tested for STI’s and really found this a difficult thing. I called the CMHT after as I was finding it really hard and was told to do this if I ever felt the need. The guy on the other end of the phone wasn’t much use but said he would tell my cc that I had called and I was feeling distressed.
I half expected a call back on the friday from her but when I didn’t get one I just thought she wouldn’t have had chance and thought she would call on the monday to check I was ok. I thought wrong. I had no contact at all until the appointment that was supposed to be today (the following friday). Was i expecting too much? This for me, was one of the hardest things I;ve had to do yet and I made them aware of this and still no contact. I was left feeling angry and if honest unimportant.
I had spent all week just taking the painkillers that knocked me out – if I wasn’t awake I couldn’t feel lonely or let down. This is the reason I don’t let people in – as soon as you try to lean on them for support you become dependent on them and if they let you down it feels so personal when in fact it probably isn’t. I can’t give myself emotionally that way so I think it is for the best that I pay lip service from now on. Do what they ask of me and try to just help myself.