Rescheduled appointment

10 Oct

After not answering the door on friday to my care co-ordinator, we rescheduled for today. I was in two minds about whether to tell her the truth about the reason I didn’t answer but I actually just couldn’t be bothered to explain it. So I told her I fell asleep and she accepted this without question.

Today we discussed what my priority was and how she could help. I really have no idea – this is where I am up to and the current issues:

Financial – obviously my work has been extremely limited and therefore income has been very low – the disadvantage of being self employed!

Anxiety – for some reason over the past 6-8 weeks, I have become scared of going outside. I can only go out in my car and if it is to somewhere I know

Social – still no contact with anyone. I made the decision today to type up my random thoughts and make this blog. If this allows me contactwith others, even if just online, then that is a start right?

PTSD – flashbacks seem to be getting worse and nightmares have started again which means I am not getting much sleep.

Suicide – I constantly think about ending things. I have come to realise though that there is a difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Mine is the former but what worries me is I am so impulsive that when I am feeling so low I will just do it. I have the means to do it and my cc is aware of this. She explained that sometimes having that option there is actually a saftey blanket and somethign I wouldn’t act on but feel safe knowing that it;s there just in case. Sometimes I hope she is right, at others I hope she isn’t

Exercise and Diet: Terrible – I used to do something active at least 6 days a week and now I don’t even get out of bed. Some days I don’t eat all day and then buy a take away at night which means I don’t have to go out (but which I don’t have the money for). Other days I just don’t eat at all.

So from that list above where on earth do I begin?


Posted by on October 10, 2011 in Uncategorized


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5 responses to “Rescheduled appointment

  1. rebeccafreebergduran

    October 12, 2011 at 1:05 am

    Do you have a gameplan? Like, for instance, what are you supposed to do when you have flashbacks? If you don’t have a gameplan they will be overpowering for sure. Having a gameplan doesn’t guarantee it won’t be, but it makes the chances a lot better, especially in the long run. And there are different things you can try depending on you, and if something doesn’t work, drop it. If it does work, great. But you’ll eventually need a gameplan about all these areas (financial, anxiety, etc) – I would encourage starting with the flashbacks, since this is the area that feels so uncontrollable.

    By the way, I have flashbacks and PTSD as well, because I was raped constantly for the first 7 years of my life. I also have other mental disorders (bipolar w/psychotic features, OCD) and am going through CBT. If you need any suggestions on this, or anything, please ask me and I’ll answer the best I can.

    • femaleptsd

      October 12, 2011 at 1:19 am

      Thanks for your reply. No I don’t have any game plan at the minute. I honestly feel like I am just existing (rather than living) and the appointment once a week with my cc is my only focus – which is another reason for this blog!!

      I’m sorry you’re in the position that means you are able to give advice! Do you have things that work for you and flashbacks? And do they ever become less powerful?

      This week I have to come up with a 10 point plan that when I get suicidal impulses, I work through until they are gone – to be honest though I really can’t be bothered with that – is this what you mean by a game plan?

  2. rebeccafreebergduran

    October 12, 2011 at 1:39 am

    Yes, there are things that work for me and my flashbacks – I use lots of different tricks depending on how well I am coping right then. Venting to a friend or therapist, holding my breath for a minute, finding something to do (especially things that take a lot of effort but not a lot of concentration, like the dishes, or math), writing poetry that says my feelings but safely avoids why I’m feeling them, pacing and listening to music. I also have workbooks for therapy that I can work through, and I have this book “cognitive behavioral therapy workbook for dummies” that I will sometimes work through. Sometimes praying or reading my Bible helps, but not always. Sometimes when I’m really brave I’ll imagine what it would be like to beat the s*** out of the person who raped me…but that takes a lot of emotional energy, and I wouldn’t recommend it at first.

    My flashbacks used to overtake my whole life. Now I rarely have them, and when I do, they only really mess up a few minutes for me. At worst they’ll put me in a bad mood. So hang on tight – there is hope. It will get better.

    That’s one type of gameplan, but it sounds complicated. If it works, great. If not, then you may need to find a different kind. I would suggest starting off small. Maybe start a journal of just words (not sentences) and when you have a flashback write the first three words that come to your mind on one side, then the three words you want to be feeling on the other. Just one idea.

    I have a question: have you ever thought about what you do want out of life? I ask because until very recently, I was too caught up in my disorders and misery to bother to think what it was I actually wanted. It’s hard to reach a goal if you don’t know what the goal is. Maybe write (or maybe even blog) about what you want your life to be like if you could have it any way. And I’m not talking a million dollars kinds of wishes, I’m talking how do you define sanity and happiness.

    I’ll keep trying to think of things that I’ve used to control flashbacks, and I’ll let you know if I think of any more.

    • femaleptsd

      October 12, 2011 at 2:33 am

      There are some really good ideas there – thank you. Do you mind me asking how long it took from them being all consuming to the point you are at now?

      I like the 3 words idea so I am going to see if that works for me.

      In terms of what I want, this is something I actually used to think about a lot. I had a goal sheet and broken down in to steps to achieve them and that’s how I managed to build up my own business. I knew exactly what I wanted – financially, personally, business wise – everything. Now my only want is to feel safe and the only place I feel that is in my darkened bedroom.

      Thanks again, I really appreciate your time and thoughts!

  3. rebeccafreebergduran

    October 15, 2011 at 2:38 am

    My flashbacks still took over me when I was 17. I’m 24 now, and it was mostly a gradual process, except for one instance where I was in the psychiatric hospital and my whole life changed. One of the major things that changed was for the first time I was okay with me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s changed my life a lot for the better. That happened back in late January/early February.

    Do you feel safe or unsafe with yourself? What about the darkened room do you think makes you feel safe, and why isn’t it there when you’re anywhere else? I’m not trying to sound like I’m a therapist or anything lol, but these are the sorts of questions that helped me recover, so maybe they can help you, too.

    My inbox shows me you’ve written quite a bit since I was on here last, so I’m going to go read those now. Sometimes I’m on the computer all day every day, and other times the rest of my life gets too busy for me to even check my email. So if I don’t respond right away to something, please don’t take offense to it – I just run a very busy life.


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