After not answering the door on friday to my care co-ordinator, we rescheduled for today. I was in two minds about whether to tell her the truth about the reason I didn’t answer but I actually just couldn’t be bothered to explain it. So I told her I fell asleep and she accepted this without question.
Today we discussed what my priority was and how she could help. I really have no idea – this is where I am up to and the current issues:
Financial – obviously my work has been extremely limited and therefore income has been very low – the disadvantage of being self employed!
Anxiety – for some reason over the past 6-8 weeks, I have become scared of going outside. I can only go out in my car and if it is to somewhere I know
Social – still no contact with anyone. I made the decision today to type up my random thoughts and make this blog. If this allows me contactwith others, even if just online, then that is a start right?
PTSD – flashbacks seem to be getting worse and nightmares have started again which means I am not getting much sleep.
Suicide – I constantly think about ending things. I have come to realise though that there is a difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Mine is the former but what worries me is I am so impulsive that when I am feeling so low I will just do it. I have the means to do it and my cc is aware of this. She explained that sometimes having that option there is actually a saftey blanket and somethign I wouldn’t act on but feel safe knowing that it;s there just in case. Sometimes I hope she is right, at others I hope she isn’t
Exercise and Diet: Terrible – I used to do something active at least 6 days a week and now I don’t even get out of bed. Some days I don’t eat all day and then buy a take away at night which means I don’t have to go out (but which I don’t have the money for). Other days I just don’t eat at all.
So from that list above where on earth do I begin?