Last week I started to think about the medication I was taking (maximum daily dose of sertraline – 200mg). I have never liked taking medication, even for things like a headache I’d rather just ride it out. I’d kind of just accepted that I would take this tablet and magically I would feel better and go back to being who I was before.
Unrealistic expectations? Yeah, I think so!
So after taking this particular type for approx 6 months, I had a routine appointment with my GP to get my prescription (they won’t give me more than one weeks tablets at a time as they see me as a suicide risk). In this appointment I asked if there was any point being on them as I really wasn’t feeling any benefit and thought I had given them long enough to work. My GP said she would speak to my psychiatrist to see if maybe there might be an alternative that we could try. She gave me 1 weeks prescription and said if nothing needs to be changed there will be another prescription post dated waiting for me (which was usual) and if changed then it would show on this script. She also said not to just stop them as I wouldn’t feel very well and I’d need to taper off them.
I left with the intention of carrying the tablets on as prescribed and got my weeks worth. Then I had the horrible trip to the gum clinic and I went really inside myself for a few days and completely forgot to take them. It was only when I felt a bit ill that I remembered. It was at this point that I questioned just staying off them. I had already missed about 3 days and so it was an ideal time to do it.
Just as a side note, the outcome of my GP asking my psychiatrist was to keep me on those ones because the only tablets left available were toxic on overdose so they wouldn’t even consider them.
Anyway, my decision in the end was to just not take anymore and see what happened. This is where I need to ask myself some questions. I can understand my rational behind wanting to see if they actually made a difference but why did I just stop them when my GP already said it would make me ill? It is as if I am trying to punish myself for something (just typing thoughts out loud here so apologies if making no sense!!)
And that brings me to now – I can definitely notice a difference but I am not sure if it is bad or good. I can actually feel my emotions again and whilst this is good for when I feel in a half decent mood, it is bad for when I am feeling on a low one which has hit me today. I can’t explain why, I haven’t had any particularly different experiences – I haven’t been out today and so nothing could have subconsciously affected me – I just can’t pinpoint anything.
However today I did something I have not mentioned on the blog before as I haven’t done it in such a long time it wasn’t worth talking about in my journey. But today I cut myself. I have no idea why, all of a sudden I felt the need to do it, but I did and now I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I have pressed a self destruct button somehow – from stopping the tablets to cutting again – but why, that is something I don’t know the answer to!