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Was it the right decision?

14 Oct

Last week I started to think about the medication I was taking (maximum daily dose of sertraline – 200mg). I have never liked taking medication, even for things like a headache I’d rather just ride it out. I’d kind of just accepted that I would take this tablet and magically I would feel better and go back to being who I was before.

Unrealistic expectations? Yeah, I think so!

So after taking this particular type for approx 6 months, I had a routine appointment with my GP to get my prescription (they won’t give me more than one weeks tablets at a time as they see me as a suicide risk). In this appointment I asked if there was any point being on them as I really wasn’t feeling any benefit and thought I had given them long enough to work. My GP said she would speak to my psychiatrist to see if maybe there might be an alternative that we could try. She gave me 1 weeks prescription and said if nothing needs to be changed there will be another prescription post dated waiting for me (which was usual) and if changed then it would show on this script. She also said not to just stop them as I wouldn’t feel very well and I’d need to taper off them.

I left with the intention of carrying the tablets on as prescribed and got my weeks worth. Then I had the horrible trip to the gum clinic and I went really inside myself for a few days and completely forgot to take them. It was only when I felt a bit ill that I remembered. It was at this point that I questioned just staying off them. I had already missed about 3 days and so it was an ideal time to do it.

Just as a side note, the outcome of my GP asking my psychiatrist was to keep me on those ones because the only tablets left available were toxic on overdose so they wouldn’t even consider them.

Anyway, my decision in the end was to just not take anymore and see what happened. This is where I need to ask myself some questions. I can understand my rational behind wanting to see if they actually made a difference but why did I just stop them when my GP already said it would make me ill? It is as if I am trying to punish myself for something (just typing thoughts out loud here so apologies if making no sense!!)

And that brings me to now – I can definitely notice a difference but I am not sure if it is bad or good. I can actually feel my emotions again and whilst this is good for when I feel in a half decent mood, it is bad for when I am feeling on a low one which has hit me today. I can’t explain why, I haven’t had any particularly different experiences – I haven’t been out today and so nothing could have subconsciously affected me – I just can’t pinpoint anything.

However today I did something I have not mentioned on the blog before as I haven’t done it in such a long time it wasn’t worth talking about in my journey. But today I cut myself. I have no idea why, all of a sudden I felt the need to do it, but I did and now I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I have pressed a self destruct button somehow – from stopping the tablets to cutting again – but why, that is something I don’t know the answer to!

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7 Comments

Posted by on October 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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7 responses to “Was it the right decision?

  1. Rhona

    October 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Hi, I think you must have come such a long way by being able to put your story here.
    Maybe there isn’ t an answer to why things happened today. ( I always want answers too). Remember that today might just be a blitch…..It doesn’t mean that the rest of your life is!
    Tomorrow is another day. It’s sometimes good just to concentrate on the next 10 minutes or 1 hour or whatever. Sometimes you wear yourself down looking for answers and never find them!

     
    • femaleptsd

      October 14, 2011 at 7:59 pm

      Thank you! Yeah I’m definitely someone who always looks for answers (even when they might not be one) and sit thinking for a long time.

      I’ve accepted the fact I cut again just because I felt I needed control at that point but just not sure if I needed to start medication again. I think I’ll see how I go over weekend – I’m seeing my cc on Monday so will see what she thinks!!

      Thanks again for the advice

       
  2. Mike

    October 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Don’t know if someone like me can give you advice, as such, partly because I’m not a professional and partly because I’ve not been through the awful experiences you have.

    But I’d guess you probably want, eventually, to get to the point when you don’t need to take any medication — and to do so then you’re probably going to have a lot of ups and downs.

    However, the way you’ve written up your experiences seems to me to show that you’re someone with an intelligent writing style that clearly communicates what you want to put across. Maybe part of you thinks you’ve made great progress by setting up this blog — and another part’s trying to drag you back down — btw don’t take my cod psychology very seriously.

     
    • femaleptsd

      October 15, 2011 at 11:21 pm

      I really appreciate your time Mike and all advice welcome – from professionals to non-professionals to people who have ben through similar and those that havent!!

      I tend to agree with what you are saying – I guess I don’t feel I deserve to feel OK or even half normal and so I do what I can to make sure I don’t 😦

      Sorry not more in depth – having a tough couple of days and finding hard to write!!

      Thankyou though!

       
      • Mike

        October 16, 2011 at 12:20 am

        Saw your latest tweet. I hope things start to get a bit better for you. Maybe take some encouragement from the people you’ve connected with via the blog and Twitter?

        Looking forward to your next blog posting, anyway.

         
  3. rebeccafreebergduran

    October 15, 2011 at 2:54 am

    I’m highly addicted to cutting myself, and I have “clean-time” of almost 9 months from it. Yes, I call it clean time, because it was like my drug of choice. Maybe you can understand that, maybe not. But here’s another thing about me: I study things, both in and out of school, that have anything to do with mental health. I used to be an article writer on metal health topics for a big company. I’m saying all this so that what I’m about to say will make more sense, as it’s not my opinion but medical fact:

    When you first need a medication your brain is too high or too low on one or more chemicals for whatever reason. We’ll say too low for this example. When you start the meds, they provide that chemical (hopefully in the dose you need), and your brain starts functioning right again. But here’s the twist: since the chemical is being provided artificially, the brain thinks it doesn’t need to make it anymore. So when you stop the meds, especially suddenly, you are literally worse off then you were before you ever started the medications.

    Brain chemistry being out of whack can lead to a lot of problems, and the need to harm oneself is right there on the top of the list. It’s understandable that you forgot to take your meds for a few days when you were having a hard time. No one should blame you for that. But here’s where the gameplans come back into play: what’s your plan to make sure you remember to take them in the future?

    And trust me, I understand not wanting to take pills every day for the rest of my life: I’m on 6 different psych meds and with as serious as my mental disorder is I will never be able to go off of them. But I’d rather have to pop some pills every night and be well, and have some concept that things will get better still, then to be stuck in my illness going in circles.

    If the medication is not right for you, then speak up about it to the doctor directly if possible, and talk about what all the options are. There may be some that aren’t lethal at a week’s worth of dosages, so that they would be more comfortable giving them to you. You have to be your own advocate.

    Anyways, I hope this helps, and I hope you have a good night.
    Rebecca Freeberg-Duran

     
    • femaleptsd

      October 15, 2011 at 11:18 pm

      Hi Rebecca

      Sorry for not replying sooner – I have had a tough couple of days!! Thanks for explaining about the medications – that actually makes sense – think I need to go back to GP and see about restarting 😦

      Sorry I can’t write anymore at the min, has taken a lot to write this as didn’t want you to think I was being ignorant!!

      Thankyou

       

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