Today I had an appointment with my care co-ordinator (cc) and had been thinking for a few days about how I could try to move forward in my head. There was a couple of things I decided I wanted to do and we only got to do the first one.
I wanted to walk past where I was attacked. I know that might sound like a silly idea but it is quite local to me and is a route I took all the time to go on a run or to the shop etc. Since it happened I’ve not been able to go anywhere near and something over the last couple of days has made me want to more and more. I thought the best thing was to go with someone else rather than attempt it on my own (learning from my past mistakes) and I’m glad I waited.
I knew it would be difficult but I think I underplayed how hard it would be. As soon as I started walking down the stairs of my building, I could feel my breath getting quicker and more shallow. My cc was great, asked if I was sure and if I wanted to turn back at any point, just to do so and don’t try to be the tough one like I always do.
The feeling of going nearby was horrible (that word doesn’t do it justice!) and I really struggled to catch my breath. I asked to turn around before it got too much but I was totally overwhelmed – crying, struggling to stand up straight (I just wanted to curl up in a corner somewhere!). My cc kept telling me I was safe and nothing was happening right now and just try to take long breaths but I just wanted to get home.
Once I had calmed down, I seemed ok – and was even laughing and joking with her about other things. But now, now I am sat on my own with no-one around me but a lot of memories I am really struggling. I don’t know if this I can do this anymore. I want to be strong, I want to get through it but there are just so many things against me right now. I just can’t see any end to this black hole and if there is no end, why stay around and feel like this unnecessarily?
I have sat for the past few hours playing music – trying to shift the mood, and now I am writing this – anything to distract myself from suicidal thoughts but I am finding it incredibly hard!