This week has been a roller coaster for me but I think in a good way!
I went to a low place but due to this I wrote a 10 step plan for any suicidal feelings so to make sure I kept safe at those times – I have used this once and got to number 7 before thoughts had passed so it is definitely a thing I can work with!
The biggest thing for me in this whole thing is feeling like I’ve lost my sense of identity. The person I was before has gone and I have become someone I really don’t like in regards to my ambition, motivation and general want in life. I have really struggled with this and have pushed everyone around me away and lead a very lonely existence.
Today though, I decided I was going to look at my goals for the future to give me something to concentrate on and work towards. This isn’t something new for me, I had a 5 year plan before what happened which was broken down to weekly tasks and things were going well so I know goal setting is a really important thing!
The first area I wanted to look at was my health. Since what happened I have stopped all exercise and binge ate to deal with emotions. I know this has made my self-image even worse and that vicious circle starts of hating self so eating and then putting weight on and therefore hating self!! To give you an idea, this was my exercise schedule before:
- 2 personal training sessions a week and one extra gym (weights session) on my own
- 2 bootcamps a week
- A 2 hour football training
- 90 min football game
- some weeks I fitted in an interval session as well (eg bike or jog)
So as you can see, exercise really was a huge thing for me and decided this would be a good place to start. Today I booked a training session for tomorrow (at home) and decided to go to a football training session tonight. The training wasn’t my best idea – apart from being so unfit I struggled with just the warm up, I had quite a bad flashback there which led to an asthma attack (I really don’t have asthma issues and never had attacks before the assault). However, I did it – and I think that is more important and outweighs the negatives. It isn’t something I will be doing again anytime soon, but it got me out there with people I used to have a lot of banter with – and glad to say still do (interpret as just having the p*ss taken out of me – in a good way!!!)
On to my goal, there is a 5km run with an obstacle course at the end of november and so this is something I want to take part in. Apart from the exercise to build up so I can do it, a big thing will me be actually going to it – I struggle to leave my house as it is and definitely to go to a strange park. But I have just under 6 weeks – is this possible? Who knows, but if I never try I will never know!!!