I am not sure why but I have been having a tough time over past couple of days. I’m not sure if it is because I am not sleeping or if I’m not sleeping because of some underlying reason which is causing me to feel low (catch 22 maybe?!).
I decided to speak to someone who is close to me and tentatively approach the subject of rape as I have been feeling extremely alone in things lately & feel I need more support than I have in order to get through this. I only mentioned that I had been attacked (didn’t even mention it being sexual) and the comment I got was “You are an idiot for going anywhere near them”.
This made me think – was it my fault? All the times I’ve seen my cc and things I’ve said to her – the time I have sat and sobbed has been when she has said to me. “It is not your fault”. I have always felt to blame for it and I can’t really put in to words why I feel this way. If I look from an outsiders point of view, as if it happened to someone else, I can say it wasn’t their fault and yet put me back in that situation and it is.
To hear a friend say I was an idiot leads me to believe that it really was my fault. I don’t quite know how to deal with these overwhelming feelings right now. I have my cc coming around tomorrow and I haven’t showered since sat as I have no motivation. I know if she sees me like this it will just bring more crap that I can’t deal with so I am thinking of just not answering – if it was my fault, do I really deserve the help anyway?!?