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My fault…

25 Oct

I am not sure why but I have been having a tough time over past couple of days. I’m not sure if it is because I am not sleeping or if I’m not sleeping because of some underlying reason which is causing me to feel low (catch 22 maybe?!).

I decided to speak to someone who is close to me and tentatively approach the subject of rape as I have been feeling extremely alone in things lately & feel I need more support than I have in order to get through this. I only mentioned that I had been attacked (didn’t even mention it being sexual) and the comment I got was “You are an idiot for going anywhere near them”.

This made me think – was it my fault? All the times I’ve seen my cc and things I’ve said to her – the time I have sat and sobbed has been when she has said to me. “It is not your fault”. I have always felt to blame for it and I can’t really put in to words why I feel this way. If I look from an outsiders point of view, as if it happened to someone else, I can say it wasn’t their fault and yet put me back in that situation and it is.

To hear a friend say I was an idiot leads me to believe that it really was my fault. I don’t quite know how to deal with these overwhelming feelings right now. I have my cc coming around tomorrow and I haven’t showered since sat as I have no motivation. I know if she sees me like this it will just bring more crap that I can’t deal with so I am thinking of just not answering – if it was my fault, do I really deserve the help anyway?!?

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10 Comments

Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

10 responses to “My fault…

  1. Mike

    October 25, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    No. It’s not your fault — and you deserve the help.

     
  2. tracey

    October 25, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    I think if this so called friend knew it was more serious they’d not have said that. Sounds like they just didnt know what to do/say.

    If you trust this person sit them down & tell them you have something serious to tell them and that you are asking for their support. Actually say that you need their help – people can be thick at times. Then let it sink in because it will shock them too.

    Im sure once they realise the severity they’ll ne there for you and thats one step closer to helping yourself. You cant do this on your own. Xx

     
    • femaleptsd

      October 25, 2011 at 9:29 pm

      Thanks for the comment – I tried to put myself in their position eg not knowing how to react – like you say I honestly don’t think people know how to react to things like this.
      To be honest, I’m not sure how I would have reacted if someone told me – but I know for certain I would never have put any blame on them. That’s why I think I will do this alone x

       
  3. Ben

    October 26, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    If it was your fault, if you had walked willingly in to the situation, if you had turned around and said “hi this is fine, oh I’ve changed my mind” then yes you could say you bright it on your self.

    Some scumbag (an don’t forget that’s what he is) forced you to go with him and then forced you to suffer everything that you have been put through. This wasn’t your bad choice.

    You deserve help, support and people to be there for you. Tell your friend what happened. Don’t say it was. Explain it as a scenario, I.e if this happened what would you do / say. Only then mention that actually that person is me.

    I’m not a councillor I’m just a medic in the navy. I hope it helps. Been reading your posts for a while now. They are wl written. Hope you pull through this.

     
    • femaleptsd

      October 26, 2011 at 9:36 pm

      Thank you for your insight! I know all that is true and i’d be the first to tell someone else that and yet I still feel I could have/should have done something differently that would have meant it didn’t happen!!

      In terms of speaking to my friend – that’s a good idea on how to approach it! If I decide to open the conversation again, I will definitely do it that way – I just don’t know if I will!! I guess this is a time when I need to learn a lot about myself and how I cope with things!

      Medic in the navy sounds interesting, is it? Thanks for the comment about my blog – I tend to just write and never read them back so there is probably a lot of waffle in them but I think my first priority with the blog is to get stuff off my mind.

       
      • Ben

        October 27, 2011 at 11:17 pm

        I find it interesting, kinda have to as I’ve been doing it for six years!
        It rambles in Places, but I’m no writing expert!
        I hope you get past this. What do you do durring the day? If your ever really low you going to hurt your self I can give you my e-mail. Please don’t think your my project, or I’m writing back for my benefit. I’m writing back as I can and will help you:)

         
      • femaleptsd

        October 29, 2011 at 2:24 am

        Sorry I have only just seen this! If you contact me through the contact page then I can get your email from that without it being made public! Thank you so much for the offer – I’m slowly getting better at asking for help (although stubborn me still resides!!). And not for 1 min do I think you see me as a project!

        I supposedly have my own business but with recent events I’ve been letting it slip – amazing how long it takes to build and how quickly it can come crashing down!! So currently my days consist of lying in bed and lying in bed!! I’m trying to get back in to my exercise but just not happening at the min!!

         
  4. anonymous_too

    February 1, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Hi Anonymous,
    You are an amazing Woman! What you have been through and how courageous you have been is truly inspirational. This post-where I have read up to so far- is something I can relate to. I had a ‘shock’ about two and a bit yrs ago-on a scale of magnitude less than yours-and the response of laying the blame at my feet was something I met with. It’s the ignorant response, keep clear of those that cannot use a better and more educated and helpful approach-you sound intelligent enough to anyhow. You speak about feeling to blame for the events of the past and this is a normal psychological response to the shock you received along with the feeling of guilt, and i’ll bet that in your heart of hearts you have a small but strong idea that this is not so. Keep that close to you..In a few posts back you mentioned revisiting the area where you were hurt-good move! That was brilliant. I did something similar and following a hunch read of something called Progressive Exposure (I think-I’ll get back to you on the exact name), it gradually restores your tolerance to the stressor in question. The drop in motivation you describe is also natural and your love of exercise helped a lot. I too have found re-lighting previous passionate pursuits or inspirations does seem to be a great help. Without being patronising, I sincerely think you are doing a fantastic job for your recovery and what you have written in your blog will be of enormous help to others. I look forward to reading about this strong woman. Thank you for sharing and being so brave. Love, Anonymous2 (Ms).

     
    • femaleptsd

      February 2, 2012 at 3:31 am

      I really don’t feel courageous and definitely not inspirational – not with where I find myself at the min. But thank you, sincerely!! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about stopping the blog because of number of negative comments I get. But then I’m reminded how others are going through similar and maybe (I don’t know how), me saying what I’m going through might help them – who knows!!!

      I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through similar – hope you are in a better place at the min x

       
  5. anonymous_too

    February 1, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    Please be careful when you are offered any help outside of your blog. There are people who may see your vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of you using methods they claim will help you but could be extremely harmful and downright dangerous. I am sure you are aware of that and have the intelligence to do your research regarding help
    offered. Kind regards, Anonymous2

     

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