**Potentially triggering – about suicidal thoughts**
Yesterday, my cc had to cancel my appointment half an hour before she was due because something urgent came up. I am 100% ok with this, if someone is in need, they need the service more than me at that time. She said she would call me today to reschedule and has just done so.
As many of you might know, I have had a very bad week this week. I don’t know why, the flashbacks and nightmares have been no worse so I can’t understand (sometimes though there is no reason, it is just as is).
I have been battling with suicidal thoughts all week and have not made it out of bed since Sunday knowing that whilst I am in here I can keep myself relatively safe. In a past post I mentioned that I think there is a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live and previously I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to live (but I didn’t want to die either).
Again, I don’t know why, but there has been a shift in my thinking and I really started to believe that death was a better option than wasting a life and mentally beating myself up every day. I also started to think about how, when and where I would do it and had a pretty good idea on all three. Before yesterday and my cc cancelling, I was actually on the verge of not answering the door to her anyway. I didn’t want anyone to stop my plans.
And then she called today. Asked if she could come tomorrow, Normally I would agree but before I knew it I’d said no I was going away. She said, “ok, how about next week” and again I said no, I wouldn’t be here. In my head, this meant I was going away for a week or two but obviously it didn’t sound like that because she said,” x, are you telling me you are going to kill yourself”. I didn’t know how to answer. The fact is, no I wasn’t saying that, I just didn’t want to see her as I knew she would see the state I have let myself get into (unkempt) and know something was wrong and I couldn’t be bothered with all the questioning it would bring.
I explained I was in a shit place and just wanted to be left alone and yes I was having suicidal thoughts but that I wasn’t saying I was going to kill myself. She asked me to put myself in her position and would I just hang up the phone without an appointment on someone who was feeling suicidal. And I get that. I understand her position and what she is legally obliged to do.
She told me I had to let them in (metaphorically) as for whatever reason, even if subconciously, I had made it known I was suicidal and therefore at some level must want some help. She told me that I needed to let them help me to get me out of this cycle I was in and start to move forward. I got the impression she was getting a bit pissed off with me (but that could just be the state of mind I am in right now).
I explaiend that I had let her in more than anyone else in my life and she said she knew that and was glad we were moving forward but then this happens and feels like we are going backwards. This may be the case, but right now I don’t feel this is something I am able to control. I am being asked to move forward when in reality I have no real support system. Ok, I have the cmht and my gp but in terms of therapy I am still on the waiting list – so is it so wrong that I am struggling to move forward when I can’t let out my innermost thoughts and feelings of being ashamed and disgusted by who I am?