I think I might have touched upon these things in previous posts but have never really gone in to details. However, after my appointment with cc today I finally verbalised it and got it straight in my head. She said that she could understand where I was coming from and was being extremely rational (something I always think I am).
When I was raped, I lost who I am – what my identity is and in all honesty my motivation and ambition for life. It hit me last Friday when I was sat in for another night whilst people I knew were all getting ready for a night out. That would have been me, I would have been having a drink and relaxing the week away.
And this is where the problem is. I don’t think I want to rebuild my life. I am more than aware that I can never go back to the person I was – I don’t think anyone can after a trauma as life events shape who you are. But when I look forward, everything that I should be excited about leaves me feeling cold. Meeting someone I want to spend the rest of my life with means reliving what has happened. Having children and therefore internals is the same thing – something I don’t want to ever do (where as before it was).
That’s why I have been having so many suicidal thoughts and struggled to fight them – I don’t want to rebuild a life and so in my head what is the point of being here. I used to be a totally different person and I don’t like or want to be the person I have become and therefore feel that I only have one option!
This is no means me saying I am going to do something – it is just trying to give an idea of the daily internal struggle I am currently going through