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Rant

16 Nov

I have started to feel really angry about everything that has happened and I think this is because my lack of liking CBT. It was kind of sold to me as the holy grail – all would be sorted with this elusive CBT and medication was just to try and stabilise my moods. I was fine with this plan until I realised I don’t actually like CBT and with my cc still away, I have no real sounding board. So I have been feeling a lot of rage building up inside and as I started this blog as a way to air my thoughts – that’s exactly what I am going to use it for! So I am pre-warning if you don’t like swearing or might be triggered then you might want to leave now!

I hate everything I have become because of you – what gives a group of men any fucking right to take my liberty away from me – to fundamentally change who I am? Why did you bastards do it? What did I do that was so bad to deserve the torture you put me through? Well, congratulations you broke me – if that was your intention then here, have a huge round of applause!

I am nothing now – I hate every fucking piece of what you have left behind – nothing but a shell and a weak one at that. Why would I want to rebuild? Why would I want to live in a world where people like you fucking exist – that demonise the human race. Where you think degradation, humiliation and dehumanising someone is fucking alright

I hate that you have taken every tiny bit of self esteem I had, any confidence was kicked out of me that night. There are things you all did that shouldn’t even be fucking imaginable, never mind inflicting it on another human being and those are the things I will never be able to speak about. They are disgusting and therefore I am too – and to you in particular, the one who obviously set this up – I shared things with you – you were supposed to care for me and you knew about my childhood and yet you took part in this – getting a massive fucking pat on the back for thinking of it – you warped bastard – how could I ever have had feelings for you. Not only did you take my self-esteem and confidence but you also totally fucking removed any ounce of trust that I could ever rely on another human being in my pitiful life.

How am I supposed to build my life back up like everyone keeps saying to me when I don’t want to? I don’t want to start from fucking scratch again – why should I? Why, when apparently I’m not to blame for any of this am I left to deal with it all? I have a daily battle of suicidal thoughts and all because of you, a bunch of knobheads who thought it was funny – how the fuck was it funny!!!

I don’t go out now – why? Cos every time I see more than one man together I freak out – I’m scared because of what I now know is possible. I don’t want to feel like everyone is an enemy but how the fuck am I supposed to feel when someone who supposedly cared for me treated me like that.  So what about someone who has no feeling towards me – what would they be capable of???

The only thing I am sure of right now is I hate who I am and I don’t see that changing – so thank you – thanks for fucking everything. I wish you had killed me that day, I’d now be in a much better place!!!

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13 Comments

Posted by on November 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

13 responses to “Rant

  1. Walking The Black Dog

    November 16, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    It’s a powerful piece of writing. And contains a lot of emotion I recognise.
    Please stick with it. It WILL get better. Although you may think now you don’t care if it does, when it does you will be glad you didn’t let go.
    Hope that makes some sort of sense.

     
    • femaleptsd

      November 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm

      Thanks – not sure if my best idea – feeling fairly exposed putting it out there but needed to get it off my chest somehow!!

       
  2. Ben

    November 17, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    The idea Of this blog is to “put it out there” so don’t be ashamed of what you write! More importantly your still here. And your still here for a reason. I’m a great believer in karma. Well only since the events of the last year! However I digress. I think that your living and that to me says a lot for your future. It looks bad now. It looks hopeless but your young (a guess) and have a long future ahead of you. My fiancé was raped when she was young. It took a lot of time but she “got over it” you will too 🙂

     
    • femaleptsd

      November 17, 2011 at 1:12 pm

      Thanks very much! I know this blog is helping me so as long as it does that I’ve decided to keep it going. I’m also a believer in karma so I hope we are both right 🙂

       
      • Ben

        November 18, 2011 at 8:08 am

        Random question, what sort of music do you listen to? Please don’t just reply “any thing” that’s not helpful lol

         
      • femaleptsd

        November 18, 2011 at 1:03 pm

        Damn that was gonna be my answer 🙂 it really depends on my mood – I’ve got such a wide range of musical taste. To give some idea, the music on my iPhone includes stone roses, nirvana and offspring (earlier work), radiohead etc for when I’m in quite a melancholy mood. Then I have the glee albums and some other cheesy pop on there. In terms of newer artists I like Adele, pink and Jessie J. I also like Anna Nalick (not too well known over here – American). The next set of music is the likes of Kanye West, Eminem, 2pac. And then also love a bit of Frank Sinatra and also some 60’s music. Finally the top 40 I generally have MTV on in background so like majority of what’s in there – my fave song at min is Christina Perri – jar of hearts (has alot of meaning for me).

        Does that answer your question lol – I’m sure I’ve missed loads out but gives an idea of my tastes 🙂

         
      • Ben

        November 19, 2011 at 4:16 pm

        The reason I asked is that some places use music as therapy, I’ve only just come across it at work. And I’m a medic not a cc or psych person. But basically it’s to try and find a song that relates to your experience. And put all of that experience on to the song. I’m sat in a car park at the moment soncant look up the name of work. But it might help you? For me at the moment my favourite song is a fairly mew one. Tech n9yne ft. Mayday- the noose. Look it up. Wits worth it 🙂 I do suggest reading a review first as it may be a trigger for you. Some of the subject matter is a little dark.

         
  3. Mike

    November 21, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    I don’t know if you saw the front page of the Times today (Monday 21st Nov) but I was reading it in the dentist’s surgery and it reminded me a bit of your experience as described in the rant.

    I was thinking about it and, reading between the lines to some degree, I can see exactly why you’ve been so traumatised. From a male point of view, it’s a terrible breach of trust. If a man is in a relationship with a woman then he should look after her – especially from the attentions of other men – not the opposite.

     
    • femaleptsd

      November 21, 2011 at 10:41 pm

      I’ve not seen the front page today – do you remember what the headline was and I will look online for it. But essentially, yes, there was a huge breach of trust with him and something I didn’t give easily anyway. As you can imagine, trust is now something I can’t seem to do and yet all these people are in my life expecting me to trust them without knowing them just because of their job title (psychiatrist, GP, care co-ordinator, therapist).

       
      • Mike

        November 21, 2011 at 11:28 pm

        It’s difficult to find online as The Times isn’t free online. I’ve found their story reported on http://www.itv.com/yorkshire/ (headline ‘Crackdown on Grooming’. What was most scandalous was that there are such strong variations between the police and social workers’ attitudes in neighbouring areas (e.g. Lancashire was very good, West Yorkshire appalling).

        There are all kinds of sociological, biological and anthropological reasons why men ought to protect women they’ve made an emotional (and often economic) investment in — if that doesn’t sound too academic.

        I’m sorry you got involved with someone who didn’t live up that trust. I can only say the obvious, really — that the vast majority of men aren’t like that. You can see from the comment by Ben above that there are men who are helping women get over this sort of experience.

         
      • femaleptsd

        November 21, 2011 at 11:39 pm

        Luckily I can only say good things about my social worker – it sounds like I struck gold from hearing other stories!!

        I know there are good men are out there as well – I don’t know any of the men who have commented on my blog, but the fact you have taken time out of your day to respond to my posts and offer help, shows there are nice men about. Unfortunately, trusting someone on here and then in real life is completely different for me and it is going to take a lot of hard work and time to reach that point (I hope I do reach it!!)

        Thanks for the link – it is interesting!!

         
  4. Catherine Ann McArdle

    February 28, 2013 at 6:07 am

    You do sound very much like me when I go on a rant! Let it all out & you’re such a decent human being, you don’t hurt anyone. All you’re doing is venting it constructivily & using words to express yourself. At this point Im saying very well put.. Job done!!

     

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