I have started to feel really angry about everything that has happened and I think this is because my lack of liking CBT. It was kind of sold to me as the holy grail – all would be sorted with this elusive CBT and medication was just to try and stabilise my moods. I was fine with this plan until I realised I don’t actually like CBT and with my cc still away, I have no real sounding board. So I have been feeling a lot of rage building up inside and as I started this blog as a way to air my thoughts – that’s exactly what I am going to use it for! So I am pre-warning if you don’t like swearing or might be triggered then you might want to leave now!
I hate everything I have become because of you – what gives a group of men any fucking right to take my liberty away from me – to fundamentally change who I am? Why did you bastards do it? What did I do that was so bad to deserve the torture you put me through? Well, congratulations you broke me – if that was your intention then here, have a huge round of applause!
I am nothing now – I hate every fucking piece of what you have left behind – nothing but a shell and a weak one at that. Why would I want to rebuild? Why would I want to live in a world where people like you fucking exist – that demonise the human race. Where you think degradation, humiliation and dehumanising someone is fucking alright
I hate that you have taken every tiny bit of self esteem I had, any confidence was kicked out of me that night. There are things you all did that shouldn’t even be fucking imaginable, never mind inflicting it on another human being and those are the things I will never be able to speak about. They are disgusting and therefore I am too – and to you in particular, the one who obviously set this up – I shared things with you – you were supposed to care for me and you knew about my childhood and yet you took part in this – getting a massive fucking pat on the back for thinking of it – you warped bastard – how could I ever have had feelings for you. Not only did you take my self-esteem and confidence but you also totally fucking removed any ounce of trust that I could ever rely on another human being in my pitiful life.
How am I supposed to build my life back up like everyone keeps saying to me when I don’t want to? I don’t want to start from fucking scratch again – why should I? Why, when apparently I’m not to blame for any of this am I left to deal with it all? I have a daily battle of suicidal thoughts and all because of you, a bunch of knobheads who thought it was funny – how the fuck was it funny!!!
I don’t go out now – why? Cos every time I see more than one man together I freak out – I’m scared because of what I now know is possible. I don’t want to feel like everyone is an enemy but how the fuck am I supposed to feel when someone who supposedly cared for me treated me like that. So what about someone who has no feeling towards me – what would they be capable of???
The only thing I am sure of right now is I hate who I am and I don’t see that changing – so thank you – thanks for fucking everything. I wish you had killed me that day, I’d now be in a much better place!!!