This week has seen two well known names commit suicide. Angie Dowds and Gary Speed. Admittedly, Gary Speed was more of a household name and therefore the media (including social) went in to overdrive.
I know depression and all things surrounding it has a lot of stigma attached to it but until I read some of the comments (especially on twitter) that other people fully believe, I didn’t understand the full extent of the issue.
Before I go on, I want to say everyone is entitled to their opinion, that’s why we are lucky enough to live in a country that allows free speech and this is mine. You can disagree with it, but you cannot say it is wrong – it is my opinion and to me it is true!
The biggest comment I have seen is that suicide is selfish. A lot of these weren’t said in a negative way just more as a passing note. For example, Joey Barton on twitter said, “Suicide is a mix of the most tragic, most selfish, most terrible (and I want to believe preventable) acts out there.”
So here is my take on things using my current experiences. I have spent the past week feeling suicidal and if it was something I went ahead with, in no way do I see it as selfish. In fact, I view it as quite the opposite. I feel that family would actually be better off if I wasn’t here. I don’t want to go in to my reasoning here, that isn’t the point. What is, is that I fully believe that I would be doing them a favour by not being here. Surely if you look from that perspective, there is no selfishness involved?
The comments are made that I am not thinking rationally and it’s my depression ‘talking’. But that is exactly the point. As it stands at this very minute one of the driving factors of suicide is that people would be better off without me – so how am I, as a person, being selfish?
If it is my depression that is making me think irrational thoughts then surely it is this illness that would kill me, not my behaviours (ie selfishness?). Trying to put it in to context of a physical illness which people tend to understand more.
Is it selfish to die from a physical disease? That is never ever a question brought into it. What if someone died from lung cancer brought about by smoking – are they selfish for smoking? No, so why is someone with depression selfish when the illness wins? Just like if the heart stops working it can cause death, so can the brain when it isn’t functioning properly. So please, before passing judgement – understand what is happening fully and then I hope you will think twice!
Suicide happens for a varying amount of reasons and we will never know why most of the time. As I have spoken about before on this blog, I feel that I can’t rebuild a life knowing what I know and that I won’t be able to function to be the person I was on the road to being. So what would you classify this as; despair? Hopelessness? Sadness? Someone on twitter even said suicide is about anger.
Well I disagree with all of those. I don’t attribute it to an emotion because in the place I am currently, I don’t feel emotion. I feel dead inside. There is a nothingness. And whilst I don’t feel anything I also can’t be the person my family and friends knew and who they want me to be. I can’t be the confidente they spoke to about their problems. I can’t be the aunt who takes her nieces to fun places. I can’t be the daughter who makes her parents proud. I can be a burden – that’s all. And I guess that’s my point – if I wasn’t here, all I won’t be is a burden – now is that selfish? I’ll leave the judgement to you!!