Reasons for suicide

27 Nov

This week has seen two well known names commit suicide. Angie Dowds and Gary Speed. Admittedly, Gary Speed was more of a household name and therefore the media (including social) went in to overdrive.

I know depression and all things surrounding it has a lot of stigma attached to it but until I read some of the comments (especially on twitter) that other people fully believe, I didn’t understand the full extent of the issue.

Before I go on, I want to say everyone is entitled to their opinion, that’s why we are lucky enough to live in a country that allows free speech and this is mine. You can disagree with it, but you cannot say it is wrong – it is my opinion and to me it is true!

The biggest comment I have seen is that suicide is selfish. A lot of these weren’t said in a negative way just more as a passing note. For example, Joey Barton on twitter said, “Suicide is a mix of the most tragic, most selfish, most terrible (and I want to believe preventable) acts out there.”

So here is my take on things using my current experiences. I have spent the past week feeling suicidal and if it was something I went ahead with, in no way do I see it as selfish. In fact, I view it as quite the opposite. I feel that family would actually be better off if I wasn’t here. I don’t want to go in to my reasoning here, that isn’t the point. What is, is that I fully believe that I would be doing them a favour by not being here. Surely if you look from that perspective, there is no selfishness involved?

The comments are made that I am not thinking rationally and it’s my depression ‘talking’. But that is exactly the point. As it stands at this very minute one of the driving factors of suicide is that people would be better off without me – so how am I, as a person, being selfish?

If it is my depression that is making me think irrational thoughts then surely it is this illness that would kill me, not my behaviours (ie selfishness?). Trying to put it in to context of a physical illness which people tend to understand more.

Is it selfish to die from a physical disease? That is never ever a question brought into it. What if someone died from lung cancer brought about by smoking – are they selfish for smoking? No, so why is someone with depression selfish when the illness wins? Just like if the heart stops working it can cause death, so can the brain when it isn’t functioning properly. So please, before passing judgement – understand what is happening fully and then I hope you will think twice!

Suicide happens for a varying amount of reasons and we will never know why most of the time. As I have spoken about before on this blog, I feel that I can’t rebuild a life knowing what I know and that I won’t be able to function to be the person I was on the road to being. So what would you classify this as; despair? Hopelessness? Sadness? Someone on twitter even said suicide is about anger.

Well I disagree with all of those. I don’t attribute it to an emotion because in the place I am currently, I don’t feel emotion. I feel dead inside. There is a nothingness. And whilst I don’t feel anything I also can’t be the person my family and friends knew and who they want me to be. I can’t be the confidente they spoke to about their problems. I can’t be the aunt who takes her nieces to fun places. I can’t be the daughter who makes her parents proud. I can be a burden – that’s all. And I guess that’s my point – if I wasn’t here, all I won’t be is a burden – now is that selfish? I’ll leave the judgement to you!!


Posted by on November 27, 2011 in Uncategorized



5 responses to “Reasons for suicide

  1. Nicholas Kiddle (@ksej)

    November 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    It’s selfish in a sense because we’re (I have gone through the same mental dance) putting our sense of “I am nothing but a burden” above families’ sense of “I would be devastated to lose you.” But in my case, whether other people experience my existence as a burden or a treasure, it’s a sometimes unbearable burden to me. When living becomes so hard and so painful, taking the feelings of others into consideration is way above the level of thought I can manage.

  2. Mike

    November 27, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Have you ever read Hamlet — or seen it performed?

    I’d suggest that you ought to. He makes very similar arguments to you (that’s what ‘to be or not to be’ is all about) and the irony is that the audience can see all Hamlet’s positive features — those he can’t see himself.

    You write so clearly and intelligently about your situation that you clearly have much to offer other people in your insights and understanding.

    • femaleptsd

      November 27, 2011 at 10:04 pm

      No, I never have – we did Macbeth at school so Hamlet has escaped me! I’m struggling to read at the min (concentration is horrendous) but something I can maybe try in the future.

      Thank you for the compliment, not that I can see it myself – I think I just waffle on a lot!! 🙂

      • Mike

        November 27, 2011 at 10:55 pm

        To be blunt about it, Hamlet spends a lot of the play considering whether to commit suicide or not…and it’s considered the greatest play by the greatest writer in history so there’s a lot to ponder in there.

        I can see all the logic in your arguments but the fact you’re able to put it so clearly means I still find it awful to think you might harm yourself, let alone anything worse.

  3. Ben

    November 27, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Selfish :- some one has to find you
    – it’s a mess to clean up
    – if you do it away from people you still have to leave a note
    – those left behind will never understand no matter how hard you’ve tried to explain
    – your still your parents little girl and a part of your family and they will miss you and be effected by this

    Not selfish :- people no longer have to worry about you as you’ve gone to a better place
    – your not costing the economy money for your care
    – all your problems would be over
    – no one would have to make excuses for your lack of enthusasium at things
    – the people who did this to you might feel guilty enough to confess or kill them selves (harsh I know)

    The only time I object to suicide 100% is those who do it by another’s hand I.e. Jumping in front of a train etc.

    Try I.C.P – suicide hotline from the hells pit album.
    There’s always some one there!


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