When I write this blog, I literally type my thoughts out and click publish. I don’t check through for spelling or grammar mistakes (you can probably tell by some of my mistakes) and I never go back to re-read what I have put. I am sure I will one day, but for now it is purely a place for me to let my feelings out and not feel like I am going round and round in circles in my own head!
What I do know though, is that recently my posts have been very doom and gloom – I have noticed I have gone downhill to a place that I didn’t know existed to the extent I have recently felt. Part of me feels guilty for writing in this way – I feel like I should be witty and put a front on this blog like I do in other areas of my life. But that is not the point, I have to do this for me and so I make no apologies for the content being pretty dreary and samey.
I had another CBT session last Tuesday and spoke honestly about how I felt I didn’t like it – I didn’t like the process driven nature of it and wasn’t doing the ‘homework’ set because I didn’t want to. My other concern was with the actual therapist herself. The 3 people I have let in to help me are my gp, psychiatrist and cc. All 3 have the same no-nonsense approach. Don’t get me wrong, they are all very caring but there is no bullshit with them – they say it as it is and that’s what I like. That’s my nature too, I generally say things as they are and if anyone asks an opinion will always be honest. The therapist on the other hand is what I think of a stereotypical counsellor – very softly spoken and talks around something, doesn’t just say it as it is. She is a really nice woman, but I just struggle to be myself with her.
Anyway, I decided to be honest and tell her this (in a nice way) about CBT and my worry of not being able to open up fully. We decided that we were going to move straight on to EMDR in the next session and in terms of opening up to her, that as long as I could discuss how the memory made me feel, then that would be enough.
I should have felt happy about all this, but I came home and felt low. I am not sure if it was because I expected CBT to ‘cure’ me or at least have some impact on me but apparently because I have done NLP in the past and a lot of reading around it, I understand the thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviours thing and that’s all I would have done in the short space of time she had alloted.
Normally, I look into topics, research and try to understand before I embark on any new thing. I decided against this for EMDR. I didn’t want my view to be tainted in either way and wanted to give it the best go possible.
In the meantime, my mood got progressively worse and I took to my bed continuously and I started with suicidal thoughts again. Wednesday night was horrible. I seemed to be having flashback after flashback and no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about things that had happened. I promised myself I wouldn’t have another night like that and as soon as the office opened I called my cc. I told her that I was scared I couldn’t keep myself safe and she asked if I wanted to be referred to the crisis team – I said no. I hated them when I had them involved at the beginning of the year and they aren’t for me. I did however, agree to go to the crisis accommodation run by the charity Mind. As the first availability was 5th december, we worked on how to keep me safe until then.
The plan was to see her the next day (friday) and monday. Then EMDR on Tuesday, my GP on Weds and her again on Thurs. And then Sunday happened, and all over the media was about suicide and the tragic death of Gary Speed. This had a much greater impact on me than I thought it would and if I am honest, part of me thought, if he can do it then why can’t I.
When I saw my cc on Monday, we spoke about this and also how my thoughts were and that I was finding things so difficult. I also said because I feel on such a knife edge, is now the best time for me to be doing EMDR? I had been told, by both her and my therapist, that I would likely feel worse before better. I explained I was worried if I felt any worse I would definitely kill myself. She agreed that now might not be the best time and she is happy to work with me for another couple of months preparing for it and stabilising my mood. Ultimately though, she said it was something I needed to speak to the therapist about and come to a decision with her.
To cut a long story short, the therapist understood but decided to go ahead and just go at a pace I felt was ok. In the session I was feeling extremely detached (and told her this) and I had no emotion whatsoever. Things that should have had me angry, sad, tearful or whatever was instead just a blank space. We spoke about a safe place that I could go to in my mind (which I had used in NLP so already had one) and she used the moving finger thing that I had to follow.
I have no idea why or how but it made me really upset. It turned out because I’d used it as a safe place for dealing with childhood issues, by using it again here – it had triggered those memories. She apologised and said she should have asked in what circumstances I had used that before. The whole thing left me feeling horrible and dredged up things that I thought I had completely dealt with.
I saw my GP as planned on the Weds and told her I felt at the end of my tether and she suggested that I get daily medication so as to not have any at home – this made me feel a complete failure – not even trusted to hold a weeks supply of tablets!! And so since weds night I have shut myself away and locked the world out. Apart from twitter (and thank you so much to those who have helped me through things on there!) I have spoken to no-one and not left my bed. I know my cc tried calling on Thurs as she left a message and then on Fri, I had 4 voicemails from who I assume is the duty worker – but I just don’t want to speak to anyone.
And that brings me to today. I don’t know how I am going to get out of this place I am in. I know it will take effort on my part, but I have nothing to give at the moment to make that effort. I know I have totally isolated myself, but in the past that’s how I have dealt with things, knowing that I will be ok. This time I just don’t know – I’ve not been like this for the amount of time – it’s usually a couple of days and then the mood lifts ever so slightly, but this has now been over a week.
I suppose the only thing I can do is wait it out but it is so damn difficult especially when I feel I have pressed my own self destruct button!!