Warning – might be triggering!!
I’ve not been able to write a post for a while as I have had a lot to deal with and not really been able to find many words to describe what went on!
The Friday before last (16th) was the anniversary of when I was kidnapped and raped. The month leading up to this date was one that brought a lot of flashbacks and I found I was struggling to cope with all the emotions. So I did what I always do in situations I can’t cope well with – I isolate myself and try to shut the world out until I am in a place where I can deal with it!
I did however tell my care co-ordinator (cc) and therapist that I was finding things tough and was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. It was starting to really annoy me that anytime I felt low I automatically turned to suicidal thoughts but I honestly couldn’t think of anything else.
On thursday I actually tried calling my cc as I didn’t feel I could keep myself safe on the Friday but for one reason or another she didn’t get back to me that day and I ended up taking an overdose. It’s not something I am proud of but before I did it, I honestly thought this would be it. I made preparations in the days leading up eg what I wanted to happen when I died and moved money to pay for it. So why did I end up in hospital being treated and made sure I didn’t die? I have no clue, I don’t know what made me seek help at the last minute. Maybe this is something I need to realise so I can use again if I feel that way.
My experience at a&e was mixed from some amazing staff who understood that to end up in that place, I must be quite tormented, to one doctor in particular who made me feel I was a piece of shit on his shoe!! He was just down right rude and nasty. He asked what I’d taken and I told him, but I had got the name slightly wrong and he said I had to sit and think about it and when I felt like wasting more of his time then to call a nurse. Luckily I had the empty packet on me so gave him that and off he went. Then he came back and asked why I’d done it. Through tears I told him about it being an anniversary and he said there was no point crying over something that happened 2 years ago.
He carried on like that every time he came in and ever since I’ve been trying to see from his perspective. Yes, it was self inflicted and so did I not deserve treatment? Is that why I was wasting his time? But what about the drunk guy opposite who he was laughing and joking with – was that not also self inflicted? I know one thing though, I would never go to a&e if I was feeling suicidal (I.e hadn’t done anything) because of how I was made to feel that night!!
It seems to me that there is very little understanding in the medical world over mental illness unless they are actually in that field of work. I know that’s a huge generalisation and as mentioned earlier some staff were great but it only takes one when you are feeling so vulnerable and have very little self worth anyway.
After an ECG and blood tests I was admitted and moved to the medical assessment unit. This was now around 3am and I was on frequent observations (blood pressure and temperature) and then another doctor visited me and thinks where I freaked out slightly.
It was dark in the ward, he drew my curtains and put the bed light on, but there was noone with him. Just me and him behind this curtain – it was horrible. I know he was a professional but being alone with a man in the dark was really triggering for me – especially when he listened to my chest. So I asked to be discharged. He said he strongly advised against it as medically I was still at high risk of heart failure after the tablets I’d taken. I told him I wasn’t bothered about that and to please just let me go home to safety of own room. He asked me what I was going to do there and I told him I just wanted to sleep.
The doctor managed to persuade me to stay until morning rounds and a psyche consult but by 5.30am I was so anxious I asked again to self discharge. Again he advised me of the risks and that I was going against medical advice but then let me sign and go.
So the a&e doctor was correct – I had just wasted everyone’s time!!
I saw my cc on the Tuesday after that and told her what had happened. I also told her that I needed to shelf the notion that suicide was the answer for me. I didn’t want it to be an option anymore and it surprised me that she didn’t think this was a step forward.
She explained that she didn’t think I could just turn those feelings on and off and that she thinks it’s a good coping strategy for me as I still feel in some control.
I could waffle for ages about the after effects but I’ve found writing this difficult so am going to leave that for another day!