In my last post I briefly mentioned about asking to be discharged as I was feeling suicidal and didn’t want any intervention. When my care co-ordinator (cc) left my apartment, I immediately tried to kill myself – the rope snapped (guess all that lying in bed with no exercise has put on more weight than I thought!!). When it failed (and I had a sore neck), I just sat and cried. This was the point for me where I finally admitted to myself that I needed help (and I needed to accept that help as well as make changes myself).
I called my cc but was told she wasn’t there so I asked for a call back from her. 5 o’clock came and went and I knew I was on my own for the night – the question was could I make it through until I hopefully spoke to her. I got my care plan out for the first time since it was done (5 months ago) and read what I was to do in an emergency. I sat with the number in front of me for most of the night, dialling a few digits then hanging up. I was scared to ask a complete stranger for help. So I didn’t. I lay there wishing I could shut my eyes and wake up when I could speak to my cc, but I couldn’t – there was no way I could have another nightmare so I stayed awake. My phone finally rang at 10am and it was my cc. I couldn’t find the words to simply say ‘I need help’ so instead I said, “It doesn’t matter, I can’t say it on the phone”. I think she realised something was wrong and she sat in silence waiting for me to talk. Then I just blurted it all out – that I tried to hang myself and that I’m scared of what I might do to myself.
Around the time of the anniversary, my cc had said about getting the crisis team involved to give me more support but from the past experience I had with them I was adamant that I never wanted to be under their care again. This time she said I’m not even going to hold my breath that you’ll accept but how about the crisis team. I said, I need help so yes. I think I shocked her with that response.
I got a call at about 1pm saying that her and someone from the crisis team were coming to see me at 4 and have a mini review. I was fine with this, a bit scared but only because I was worried what they would say when they saw my neck, but they didn’t say anything thankfully!
My cc made the introductions and then told me to never let her walk out of an appointment if I’m feeling like that again. I could understand why she was a bit put out so I tried to explain about the reason for asking for discharge. This led on to her telling me that in the meeting about me in the day, she had to fend off questions about why I wouldn’t tell my mum about how bad things were (I’m 31 and live alone by the way, not exactly under her care but she is my next of kin!!). It is the one thing I am adamant about, and is in my mental health review that they don’t have permission to talk to her. I was then told that actually they were perfectly within their rights to break confidentiality and contact her if they felt I was at risk. This completely astounded me. I don’t want her to know so who are they to override that decision (one I made when I wasn’t suicidal so they can’t say its my current state of mind talking). My cc explained that if they were in the coroner’s court and my mum found out that they knew I was suicidal but didn’t tell her, how would she feel? I understand their perspective but surely they should try to understand mine as well.
I explained that actually, that made me not want to be honest with them and instead say everything is fine even when it wasn’t. My cc assured me it would only be in high risk situations and they would probably go down the route of hospital treatment first. I don’t know, still not 100% sure but I agreed to be honest in how I was feeling.
The next thing we talked about was medication. My cc said she had noticed quite a dip in my mood since I was off medication completely (they stopped it at beginning of december as I had used their prescriptions to take overdoses and so they couldn’t carry on prescribing as they didn’t trust me). I found out today that my GP was adamant that the only way she would prescribe anything was if it came directly from my psychiatrist. So my psychiatrist had sent my cc to get a promise from me that I would take them as intended – I said I would. I have to change my ways if I want to get better as well!! Is it ironic though that the only medication I didn’t overdose on was the one was I was given PRN (as needed) usage – so me being in control of when I should take it, meant I took it when I needed it and not all together – weird!!
So that was about it, I have the woman from the crisis team coming tomorrow and we will go from there. I just need to get through the nights – they are the worst time for me!!