Crisis Team

06 Jan

In my last post I briefly mentioned about asking to be discharged as I was feeling suicidal and didn’t want any intervention. When my care co-ordinator (cc) left my apartment, I immediately tried to kill myself – the rope snapped (guess all that lying in bed with no exercise has put on more weight than I thought!!). When it failed (and I had a sore neck), I just sat and cried. This was the point for me where I finally admitted to myself that I needed help (and I needed to accept that help as well as make changes myself).

I called my cc but was told she wasn’t there so I asked for a call back from her. 5 o’clock came and went and I knew I was on my own for the night – the question was could I make it through until I hopefully spoke to her. I got my care plan out for the first time since it was done (5 months ago) and read what I was to do in an emergency. I sat with the number in front of me for most of the night, dialling a few digits then hanging up. I was scared to ask a complete stranger for help. So I didn’t. I lay there wishing I could shut my eyes and wake up when I could speak to my cc, but I couldn’t – there was no way I could have another nightmare so I stayed awake. My phone finally rang at 10am and it was my cc. I couldn’t find the words to simply say ‘I need help’ so instead I said, “It doesn’t matter, I can’t say it on the phone”. I think she realised something was wrong and she sat in silence waiting for me to talk. Then I just blurted it all out – that I tried to hang myself and that I’m scared of what I might do to myself.

Around the time of the anniversary, my cc had said about getting the crisis team involved to give me more support but from the past experience I had with them I was adamant that I never wanted to be under their care again. This time she said I’m not even going to hold my breath that you’ll accept but how about the crisis team. I said, I need help so yes. I think I shocked her with that response.

I got a call at about 1pm saying that her and someone from the crisis team were coming to see me at 4 and have a mini review. I was fine with this, a bit scared but only because I was worried what they would say when they saw my neck, but they didn’t say anything thankfully!

My cc made the introductions and then told me to never let her walk out of an appointment if I’m feeling like that again. I could understand why she was a bit put out so I tried to explain about the reason for asking for discharge. This led on to her telling me that in the meeting about me in the day, she had to fend off questions about why I wouldn’t tell my mum about how bad things were (I’m 31 and live alone by the way, not exactly under her care but she is my next of kin!!). It is the one thing I am adamant about, and is in my mental health review that they don’t have permission to talk to her. I was then told that actually they were perfectly within their rights to break confidentiality and contact her if they felt I was at risk. This completely astounded me. I don’t want her to know so who are they to override that decision (one I made when I wasn’t suicidal so they can’t say its my current state of mind talking). My cc explained that if they were in the coroner’s court and my mum found out that they knew I was suicidal but didn’t tell her, how would she feel? I understand their perspective but surely they should try to understand mine as well.

I explained that actually, that made me not want to be honest with them and instead say everything is fine even when it wasn’t. My cc assured me it would only be in high risk situations and they would probably go down the route of hospital treatment first. I don’t know, still not 100% sure but I agreed to be honest in how I was feeling.

The next thing we talked about was medication. My cc said she had noticed quite a dip in my mood since I was off medication completely (they stopped it at beginning of december as I had used their prescriptions to take overdoses and so they couldn’t carry on prescribing as they didn’t trust me). I found out today that my GP was adamant that the only way she would prescribe anything was if it came directly from my psychiatrist. So my psychiatrist had sent my cc to get a promise from me that I would take them as intended – I said I would. I have to change my ways if I want to get better as well!! Is it ironic though that the only medication I didn’t overdose on was the one was I was given PRN (as needed) usage – so me being in control of when I should take it, meant I took it when I needed it and not all together – weird!!

So that was about it, I have the woman from the crisis team coming tomorrow and we will go from there. I just need to get through the nights – they are the worst time for me!!


Posted by on January 6, 2012 in Uncategorized


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4 responses to “Crisis Team

  1. Apples

    January 6, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Hi, regarding them telling your mother, it is this really stupid piece of legislation about the Nearest Relative, which only applies to under the Mental Health act.

    Basically, it means that a relative or spouse can automatically be given confidential information about patients in certain situations, and the only way to get it changed is by a court order!

    I believe that a psychiatrist can veto it if a patient says that it would cause them more harm than good. In my case, as my family are abusive, I’ve asked that this be specified on my records.

    I might reiterate it at my next appointment, as it needs to be put somewhere that is easy for people to see on my records, as I doubt they’ll make the effort to read through everything.

    Ultimately, it is a ridiclous piece of legislation and takes no account of the fact that some people simply don’t want their family involved, even if their family are perfectly decent, let alone those of us (such as myslef) who are survivors of familial abuse, and who were therefore pretty much caused mental health issues by our families!

    It is a bizarre piece of law and shows that this country still has some way to go regarding law around mental health.

    Thank you for sharing your experience, take care and stay safe. x

    P.S. Regarding next of kin (which is trumped by the Nearest Relative rule anyway), you can ask to have your next of kin changed or just be left blank. I mostly leave it blank.

    • femaleptsd

      January 6, 2012 at 11:09 pm

      Thanks for that info! That makes me really mad. How dare someone decide whether or not my nearest relative finds something out about me or not. I think I am intelligent enough to make that decision myself. OK, so my judgement about the value of my life is apparently not right at the min, and I am struggling with flashbacks and other symptoms of PTSD, but at which point does that make me incapable of deciding who knows about this?

      I hate to do the comparison of physical illness but I think it needs to be. If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness would the doctor who was looking after me go above my head and tell my nearest relative? No! So why on earth do they allow it just because my brain isn’t processing a traumatic event very well?

      Sorry, went on a bit of a rant there but it is something that has annoyed me!!

  2. Carmel

    January 6, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    You are one amazing lady.

    I have an idea of the feelings you feel because I go through similar. I’m in a situation like your with medication in that the psychriast only allows me to pick mine up once a week which really annoys me also. I’ve never tried to overdose, my plan to die would not involve tablets.

    I’m 36 so a little older than you and have suffered the trauma of rape when I was 18. I never got over it and much as I like men I have never had sex before or after that night. I just can’t do it. I wish I could but I’m too afraid it will happen again and anyway what man wants a 36 year old virgin.

    Like you I keep my family out of the loop also as much as I can. When I was much younger I had an uncle who had a mental breakdown and all his brothers & sisters were so ashamed of him they refused to have anything to do with him or even let us talk to him. Mental illness is seen as a major weakness by all my family, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, parents etc. Let them wonder why I didn’t tell them when I die later this year.

    I know that when it comes to it I must recover or die, I haven’t left myself any wiggle room inbetween. I work so if I ended up in hospital I may well loose my job, if that happens my family will over protect me in such a way as to pratonise and destroy any sense of self I have since I broke free of them about 18 years ago. All my young life I was treated like I was stupid or learning disabled which I’m not, if they knew about my decision to die then that would happen again.

    I can’t tell you to engage with people or stay alive, I would be a hyprocite if I did.

    I will ask you to please stay in touch and know that it helps me to know that I’m not alone. If you have any questions please ask, I’m honest with people except for my family & where honesty would make things worse for me.

    • femaleptsd

      January 7, 2012 at 1:15 am

      I think you are extemely brave telling your story and some of what you say really resonates with me so thank you so much for being so courageous in writing it. I too was on weekly scripts and yet they still stopped them – they mentioned daily but I said there was no guarantee i’d feel able to leave house every day to get it.

      You say you plan to die later this year – do you have a time in mind and is there a significance to when you are planning it? I too would be a hypocrite if I said don’t do it but after the past 24 hours I honestly think i’ve hit my rock bottom and maybe this is a turning point for me. If I had been successful, I never would have had that realisation!

      Apart from meds, are u getting any other help? Sorry feel like i’m asking loads of questions so I will shut up now!! I am glad you don’t feel like you are alone – if you ever need to speak, you can email me on the contact page and it comes straight to phone so will get it instantly. Take care x


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