After the emotions of the past 48 hours, this morning I honestly felt like I had turned a corner. I had reached out for help and felt a kind of relief that I had asked for it. Positive is too strong a word but I felt like I had accepted I couldn’t do this alone and that was a huge step for me. I can’t say I was looking forward to the crisis team appointment today (there was some anxiety), but I felt I was embracing it and I wanted to work with them to get myself out of this current situation.
I was only expecting one person, the woman from yesterday I’m going to call her A from now on) who I met with my cc, but 2 arrived. And then it started. A took the lead, in the fact the other woman hardly said anything.
The usual questions were asked; how are you feeling? How is that compared to yesterday? What have you done since yesterday? Have you eaten today? Have you showered (did my grease mop of hair not give that one away?) etc etc. All of this was fine, usual questions as they don’t know me so it’s only acceptable to ask.
I explained that I found all of this difficult. I wasn’t used to asking for help but I’ve admitted I need it and want to get better. A just ignored completely (so much so I had to question if I had actually said it aloud!!) and said right we need to work on distraction techniques.
I told her that as mentioned yesterday, I had a 10 step prevention plan I used if I started with suicidal thoughts. Ranging from just breathing properly for a couple of mins to blogging. Again she acted as if I hadn’t spoken and said so what can you do if you feel like you are going to end your life? I explained again about the 10 steps. She replied well how about you make a cup of tea if you feel that way. Again I told her I’d already come up with distraction techniques and actually showed her the piece of paper. You’d have thought she would have got it by now (it’s not exactly hard to understand), but no, she asked again if I felt I could make a cup of tea. So I just agreed and she was happy then – said great so now we have one distraction technique in place.
My heart just sunk. This is what I remember from last time. The way they have their set ways and I felt that if my ideas didn’t fit in with theirs then I was made to do it their way or accused of not ‘engaging with services’. The way they try to fit you in to a box and if you don’t quite fit, they just push you in anyway.
She told me I had to wash my dishes (literally a bowl and cup) because if I lived in a mess then I’m more likely to be a mess. Let me just explain about where I live. It’s extremely modern (exposed brick walls etc) and has to be tidy as I don’t actually have that much (minimalist look). Add to that the fact I spend most of my time in bed and so don’t actually go in the living area – means it is spotless!! Again I just found myself agreeing even though I didn’t ‘get it’.
Then she talked about my attempted hanging. She told me that on paper I shouldn’t be here so how do I feel that I am? I tried to explain again about thinking it was my rock bottom and now I’ve asked for help. But she cut me off half way through and told me that I had to work with them or they might as well leave now. I honestly have no clue where that came from. I’d answered every single question honestly and kept trying to say I’m trying my hardest. I felt berated like a naughty school child, really not helpful to me right now.
This went on for a further 10 mins or so with A telling me (not asking) what I should do which basically consisted of the above; if I get suicidal make a cup of tea and make sure I wash my dishes.
I then tried to go back to yesterday about the whole telling my mum thing. It’s something that has been on my mind about why I won’t tell her and one of the things I came up with was because when I’m with her (she visits once a week or will be doing) I have to put a front on and that actually helps me. I can chat with her about mundane stuff and she can tell me about her work issues etc. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want her to start walking on eggshells around me. I want a time where I can pretend everything is ok. And that’s how I put it to A. When I finished (the one thing I said the whole time that wasn’t interrupted), this was her response:
Well I think your going about that all wrong. Your putting on a front and saying you’re using it in a negative way. How about thinking that putting on a front can be positive. That it makes you feel normal for a while. Errrrr hello? Was that not just EXACTLY what I said!!! It was at this point that I thought what is the actual point!
I don’t really remember the rest. If I’m honest, I switched off and just agreed with what was being said. I was so ready to accept help before that appointment and I actually feel more hopeless now than I did when I tried to kill myself. I know I’ve said it before but it is such a big thing for me to ask for help and I just feel what’s the point now.