I decided not to write this straight away after my last appointment as I wanted to write when I wasn’t so emotional (not in a good or bad way, just in an emotional state).
It was the same lady from the previous 2 times which I was quite surprised with. My only other experience of the crisis team was heavily marred by the fact I hardly saw one person twice in the whole 6 weeks, nevermind the same person 3 times in a row. Before she arrived I tried to calm myself and just accept what she might say. I made sure there were no dishes on show (ok, so I put the dirty dishes in a cupboard, but one step at a time eh!!).
I’ll admit, my guard was well and truly up. I was expecting the patronising to begin, and I wasn’t disappointed. I continued to answer the questions honestly, but just going through the motions (in their words, they just needed to make sure I was alive and she had done that). But one of her comments made me bite. I said one of the things I really struggle with at the minute is that I will never be the same person that I was before the attack. She said that it was only me stopping me from being that, that the world hadn’t actually changed. This was my response, I might not make sense now but it did at the time to me:
The map is not the territory. Basically, we use our own personal internalised map to make our own individual realities. When we watch the news and see terrible things every day, it doesn’t have an impact on us because it doesn’t affect our own realities. So back to my situation. I did experience it, it did change my internal map and so my reality has actually changed. Whilst I can apparently work to change my internal map in a positive way, I can never remove the actual event.
That’s how I tried to explain it to her and to her credit she did say she had never thought of it in that way. I’m glad she was open to new ideas but surely that shouldn’t be a new idea to her in her job role?
She also told me that she didn’t think there was much they could do until I was on some medication. I tried to explain that neither my GP, psychiatrist or cc thought medication would be that helpful as I needed to deal with the flashbacks as the thing that’s causing me most trouble. And even if they started me on meds on Monday (which was supposed to happen but hasn’t), I said I thought they took 4-6 weeks to kick in and so why would that make any difference to her visits now? I honestly wasn’t meaning to be difficult, I just like to know answers to things. I think a lot when I am on my own and hate that I sometimes think of things I should have asked and didn’t.
She said that if she said the sky was blue, I would argue it wasn’t. I replied, no, I would ask how do you know my blue is the same as your blue? My point being, I’m not in it to argue, to disagree with everything they are saying. I want to understand why they are saying it and if I have a different opinion, tell them so they know where I am coming from – is this so wrong? Does this make me the patient from hell?