**TRIGGER WARNING – I AM WRITING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME AND SO PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU FEEL SAFE TO DO SO**
Today I went to therapy for the first time since before Christmas. I was extremely anxious about it as not only did I not turn up last week, but also a lot has happened since then and I didn’t know what she would or wouldn’t be aware of.
I’ve mentioned previously about how I think a lot – sometimes probably too much and especially since my suicide attempt, I have thought a lot about why and which particular thing made me want to die. I haven’t come up with an answer to that yet but this one thing has always been at the back of my mind and always pops up when I feel at my lowest.
I’ve never really gone in to any detail of what happened to me and I’m not sure I ever will. Maybe I will drop bits in here and there but I don’t feel the need (at the minute) to document it all in a timeline kind of way. I guess the only way I can write the next bit, is to just do it, so excuse the removal of any emotion…
During the time I was kept at a house (I can only call it a house in structure – more like a crack house!), I was tied up and gagged for a quite a while. I couldn’t hear anything, so I can only conclude no-one else was there, until this female came in to the room I was in and prepared and injected what I assumed to be heroin. For a while, I just thought she was ‘in the experience’ but it became apparent that she had od’d. The image in my head has haunted me since – why didn’t I do anything (I couldn’t I know, but still?)
I can’t really write much more about what actually happened, but I said it out loud for the first time at therapy today. We talked about it for a while and asked the usual ‘put someone else in that situation and would you judge them’ question. The thing is, logically I know there was absolutely nothing I could do. I know it was her decision and every time she injected, she ran the risk of od’ing and yet still something in me feels responsible for it and its something I just can’t shake.