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Therapy

11 Jan

**TRIGGER WARNING – I AM WRITING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME AND SO PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU FEEL SAFE TO DO SO**

Today I went to therapy for the first time since before Christmas. I was extremely anxious about it as not only did I not turn up last week, but also a lot has happened since then and I didn’t know what she would or wouldn’t be aware of.

I’ve mentioned previously about how I think a lot – sometimes probably too much and especially since my suicide attempt, I have thought a lot about why and which particular thing made me want to die. I haven’t come up with an answer to that yet but this one thing has always been at the back of my mind and always pops up when I feel at my lowest.

I’ve never really gone in to any detail of what happened to me and I’m not sure I ever will. Maybe I will drop bits in here and there but I don’t feel the need (at the minute) to document it all in a timeline kind of way. I guess the only way I can write the next bit, is to just do it, so excuse the removal of any emotion…

During the time I was kept at a house (I can only call it a house in structure – more like a crack house!), I was tied up and gagged for a quite a while. I couldn’t hear anything, so I can only conclude no-one else was there, until this female came in to the room I was in and prepared and injected what I assumed to be heroin. For a while, I just thought she was ‘in the experience’ but it became apparent that she had od’d. The image in my head has haunted me since – why didn’t I do anything (I couldn’t I know, but still?)

I can’t really write much more about what actually happened, but I said it out loud for the first time at therapy today. We talked about it for a while and asked the usual ‘put someone else in that situation and would you judge them’ question. The thing is, logically I know there was absolutely nothing I could do. I know it was her decision and every time she injected, she ran the risk of od’ing and yet still something in me feels responsible for it and its something I just can’t shake.

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2 Comments

Posted by on January 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

2 responses to “Therapy

  1. Mike

    January 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Did she know you were there in that state? The question I’d ask is, if so, why didn’t she do anything about the position you were in? Guess she might not have been able to but, conversely, neither could you.

    I guess it’s a normal human reaction to feel pity for someone like that and wonder what you could have done – perhaps thinking about how you might have been able to help might be a way of taking mental control of the situation you were in. Maybe that last point is just bollocks as I’m not a psychiatrist.

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 11, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      No I like the points you make. Sometimes let’s me see things from a different perspective!!

      Yeah she saw me but the fix was too important for her I think. I wasn’t there much longer anyway!!

       

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