The past three days have seen me have quite intensive support. Monday I met with my care co-ordinator. It was a brief chat just to make sure I’d gotten through the weekend ok.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist for a medical review. Basically in December, my medication was stopped due to me taking more than I should and so because I was using the meds in a different way than it was prescribed, they saw themselves as being negligent. I could see their point and so never really argued a case on it.
However, since December my cc has said she has noticed my mood go drastically downwards and so wanted me to see the psychiatrist to discuss if I should go back on medication. I was quite anxious about going – I hadn’t seen her since some time in September but know she had had a lot of meetings with my cc about what to do. I got there and she was running behind and it took every bit of me (thanks @theWriteRach) not to leave. Instead I waited outside as I didn’t like it in the waiting room.
I knew it would be a short appointment as it was one that had been added on to the end of the day at short notice. As usual, she asked a lot of questions about suicide and whether I thought home was the best place for me right now (it is as it’s where I feel the safest). I struggled to answer her questions as I just couldn’t articulate my thoughts and she was really rushing me. She told me it’s ok not to know, but I said I do know, I just can’t be bothered to explain.
The outcome was that I was prescribed trazodone, an anti-depressant with sedative effects. She said that it’s not something she normally prescribes so couldn’t really give me the reality of side effects. I’ve just picked them up from the pharmacy and so I hope tonight I might get some sleep!!
Today brought about my next appointment which was my weekly therapy one. She explained that today she wanted to look at support and how maybe we can look at what I used to be like and how I am now and then try to improve one area so that we can start doing actual therapy and I will be able to use something I enjoy to support me through the difficult times. I was all up for that. I have noticed I have opened up a lot more to the idea of therapy and am letting her do her job and just doing as she asks (a new one for me!!).
So we began with work and what my work life was like before and what it is like now and then carried on through social, family, exercise etc. It kind of backfired though. Seeing it written down in black and white made me realise how much my life has actually changed and how far away I am from the person I used to be. I explained this to my therapist and she said she didn’t think about that aspect and only thought this could really motivate me. I told her that I thought I was exaggerating a lot in my mind how bad things have got (as you do) but now seeing it down on paper it made me even more want to just throw the towel in.
I know I’ve been in a black hole type place this week – I think it has been apparent from both my blog posts and tweets and as it stands now, I feel like I’m free-falling and not sure when I’m going to land at the bottom of the hole. At least if I get there I know it won’t get worse and I can start to clamber back out – but just falling down is something I’m not coping well with.
Here’s hoping the new medication allows me a nights sleep as I think that’s a starting place and the free-falling might just slow down a touch!!
tomorrow I am seeing my cc again – this really does feel like a full time job!!