Everytime I’ve come to update my blog, I’ve left it as I wanted my next post to be ‘yay I’m home’. First I thought it might be Monday – but no. Then I was convinced it would be today – again, no!!
After my last post, I was waiting for my care co-ordinator (cc) to come and see me on Monday and I had realized that I had to play by their rules and so I started going up to meal times (right at the end so was quiet but that was agreed with them), having a shower everyday and even took my laptop up to the dining room a couple of evenings to do some work.
I only did this because when I spoke to the nurse on Friday, I explained about my deadlines and how I had to work and she suggested working in the dining room (as long as I didn’t use the Internet because others weren’t allowed it so I had to keep that in my room). And so that’s how I ended up on my laptop up there. Fast forward to last night when I was up there working and the shift changed. The nurse in charge came up to me and said I can’t use my laptop in communal areas. I explained what I was told but she was adamant and so I returned to my room to finish working and on my notes went – isolating herself!!
I wouldn’t really mind, as I know everyone has to treated exactly the same in front of other patients to avoid any problems, but the night before, when I was doing paperwork up there, 2 guys came in to the dining room with a laptop and mini keyboard and started trying to make some music. So how is that allowed but me sitting quietly in a corner isn’t?
Anyway, I digress, back to Monday. My cc came to see me and we spoke about where I’m at. I showed her my
mind map of some goals I’d decided on and told her that I thought I’d learnt a lot over the past few days. But I also said with everything negative going on as well, that I think it’s reached a point of worth for me and staying here much longer would be detrimental to how I’m feeling. She said I looked happier and it reaffirms her decision that this was the best place for me but that she felt there was still some things that could help me. Eg, the fact I was being around food at set times to set a pattern for when I leave. She said its the subtle things that she truly believes will be of use to me.
She explained I’d have my ward round on weds and maybe my psychiatrist would think I could be discharged. She told me that she would speak to her and give her opinion. This was that I shouldn’t just be discharged, but that I should go on leave with the option of coming back if things felt overwhelming. And if I didn’t need it then discharge would be done.
So as you can imagine I was quite excited that at ward rounds (weds) I’d be told pretty much the above plan. Wrong!! I spoke honestly to the doctor and even had a bit of a laugh with her. But when we spoke about medication and she said, well we can try this for the next few days and see how it goes, I realised she wasn’t going to discharge me that day. So I asked her why. To cut a long story short, I’ve been allowed day leave (between 9am to 9pm) but not to go home. Then on Sunday, I can have overnight leave until the Monday and then come back. I explained I had an all day important meeting on the Tuesday so they agreed if Sunday went ok then I could go out for 2 nights – Monday and Tuesday night and come back in on Wednesday in time for therapy and ward rounds. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is off next week so my discharge will be with someone else.
I know I should be happy. It’s a plan and I should be pleased that they listened to me. But all this is on the proviso that I go out daily before Sunday and manage my anxiety. That scares me so much!!! I went out tonight with my mum to the coffee shop in the main hospital and was horrible. I came back to my room and cried. How am I gonna pull this off so I can go home??
I think the fact I’ve tried to be positive over the past few days has caught up with me and I feel like I’m falling back down!!