I am home!!! I got discharged yesterday and it didn’t go very smoothly. I was forgotten about because all other patients under my consultant are on another ward and because she is on holiday and it was her SHO (who only started this week), I just got missed. I was so relieved when I was finally seen though, that I didn’t mind too much! I managed to blag my way through the meeting and was told I was allowed home 🙂 I was excited, I just had to wait for my meds and then I was a free woman!! 2 hours later and after asking multiple times, I was still waiting. The pharmacy said they had been sent to the ward, the ward were adamant they hadn’t received them and I was in the middle just wanting to go home. Finally, they took some from the ward stock and allowed me to leave.
So sitting here in my own front room, I should be over the moon and ecstatic shouldn’t I? Wrong!!! I have had so many emotions overnight and today that I am left confused and knowing I have to do something but really not sure what!!
Let me try to explain a bit better. I got in last night and I felt kind of empty. Whether I liked it or not, on the ward, I was checked on every 15 minutes and a few times in the night when I was crying, a member of staff would ask if I was ok. I might not have sat and poured my heart out but I guess just knowing someone was there and a couple of times they gave me medication that was PRN (as needed), which would knock me out and I liked that numbing factor.
Also, when in there, I had convinced myself that when I got out everything would be different and I’d be able to move on and had all these grand ideas of things I was going to do. But that was all created in a false reality (on the ward) and when I got home, I was met with the feelings of the last time being there – with the 2 doctors and my care co-ordinator (cc) and all those thoughts that go with that.
I guess I’m struggling to put it into words how it has all made me feel. I tried calling my cc today to see if this was all normal and to ask when I was next going to be seeing her but she was on a course all day. My mum is on holiday until a week on saturday and I tried texting some friends to see if anyone was free. But the problem when you push people away is that they fill that time with other things and so no one was available.
Just not really sure what to do with myself at the minute!!