Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

23 Feb

Before I start writing the main part of this post, let me just say I am not planning on killing myself. I am feeling suicidal and there is a difference between that and actually doing it. I would never say on the internet if I was going to do it, just like I’m never able to tell anyone in real life that I am feeling this way for fear of going back to hospital!!

This last week, I have really noticed my mood taking a drastic turn for the worse. I thought that when I was detained, that this was it, I had hit the lowest point possible. But I was wrong! And this is where I think suicide is the answer. Everytime I think ‘right this is it, I’m at rock bottom’, it really isn’t and I just can’t cope with going in to anymore of a darker, lonelier place than I currently am. And even if I could see a way out, I have zero motivation to do anything about it.

Suicide is still quite a taboo subject and something not many people understand or possibly want to. The two main things I’ve heard said to others are ‘That’s such a selfish thing to do’ and ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’. So let me answer those in turn.

Anyone who truly understands mental health would not come out with that statement. I can try to understand where they are coming from when they say that leaving behind people who love them is a selfish act, however, flipping it on its head, is it not therefore selfish to ask someone to live for the sake of others? I know I have family, but I know I am a burden and actually they would be a lot better off if I wasn’t here. In terms of friends, I stopped going to football training (which is where majority of my friends were) last year and not even my manager or assistant manager (who I thought were good friends), called to ask if I was ok and why I had stopped. I haven’t heard from them in about 5 or 6 months, so they really wouldn’t miss me if I wasn’t here as they haven’t actually missed me when I have been here!!

The second statement ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’ makes a huge assumption that it is temporary. I know I have mentioned diagnosis etc before but to keep it all in one post; I have C-PTSD, major depression and bad anxiety issues (they are my care co-ordinator’s words, not mine). Using PTSD as an example they say that in its chronic phase, that it is treatable but not curable. Do I really want to learn to live with all that is going on in my head? I know flashbacks can diminish over time and you can learn coping strategies, but is that really any quality of life that I want to be left with? In my eyes that is not a temporary problem!

Again as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I had a number of goals and dreams before my main trauma. I will never be that person again, I am expected to build a different me – well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to see what the next life brings me (if there is another life – but that’s a whole other topic!!), what is so wrong with me saying, ‘I’ve had enough and it’s my time?’

That brings me on to something I watched yesterday (courtesy of @Sectioned_ which can be seen here and is about a woman, who happens to be a police officer, and how she finds a reason to live when she is feeling suicidal). In the film, she mentions the fact that she believed it just wasn’t her time and I too am a big believer in that. That if something isn’t meant to happen, then it won’t. And so using that theory, if I attempted suicide today and it wasn’t meant to be, something would happen to prevent this. And if I was successful then it was my time anyway.

This post feels a bit all over the place, no real structure to it but I am trying to write my thoughts as they come out but I believe the things I talk about are rational. And so how can I suddenly be known as irrational just because I mention death? Who in society makes suicide unacceptable? Is it just our culture or is suicide looked down upon in other societies too (I know it isn’t but I’m not going to go in to that here!).

It is openly said we don’t know how the brain works properly and only 50 years ago were procedures like the lobotomy taking place. How do we know that in another 50 years, people won’t look back and say, ‘can you believe they made them live through that and if they didn’t want to carry on, they were put in a locked ward!’ I know, it sounds ludicrous, but so does someone making me stay alive when I don’t want to!!!


Posted by on February 23, 2012 in Uncategorized


12 responses to “Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

  1. Claire

    February 23, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    You are helping people with your blogging and your tweeting. I firmly believe that.

    This story may prove to be slender comfort, but I will tell it anyway. I heard of a person who had a friend with a very serious lifelong illness that wouldn’t kill them but which would cause their life to be very hard. That person prayed to God for the friend to be made better. I can’t remember what God was supposed to have said in reply. But it was something like, even though the person was ill, they had a God-given purpose that they were able to fulfill because they were ill.

    That story probably sounds very offensive on many levels and I’m sorry if it does.

    I don’t know how that person’s illness changed the course of their life and what it prompted them to do. Maybe they were more caring to others because of the particular nature of their illness. (Which wasn’t a mental illness.) I know they worked with people quite closely.

    You are a social media mental illness campaigner. You’ve raised awareness among so many people. More people now understand what PTSD means because of you. It’s a dreadful thing that has happened to you, but through it, you have helped people. You are a marketer. You know how to spread the message even further.

    And although everything feels dark now, I wonder if something is waiting for you to take an interest in it, which you would not have had the chance to take an interest in if you had been rushing about, fit and healthy.

    • femaleptsd

      February 23, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      Hi thanks for the comment. I understand what you are saying with the story and not offensive at all! I used to think maybe this is all for a reason that I’m not yet seeing. But the current mental pain I seem to be in constantly makes me think I was being unrealistic and actually this is how things will end for me.

  2. borderlineblackness

    February 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I fel exactly the same when you talk about how selfish it is for well people to expect someone with severe depression to not contemplate or commit suicide when living with such pain. However I do know it doesn’t last, not for me anyway but then I’m lucky I guess. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through and I wish there was a none addictive pain killer to relieve your suffering.


    • femaleptsd

      February 23, 2012 at 10:10 pm

      Thanks for the comment and i’m really glad yours didn’t last! If I could invent a non addictive pain killer for what I’m going through, I’d be a very rich woman lol! x

      • borderlineblackness

        February 24, 2012 at 11:28 pm

        I wish you could because I’d have some off you! X

  3. @Sectioned_

    February 24, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this blog post. That must have been difficult.

    I can understand why suicide seems like a rational option for you at the moment. I really can. But here’s one thought to add to this logical debate, following an experience I had earlier today.

    Drawing on your point above about not forcing someone to stay alive, I’d say that your current situation could be analogous to someone who’s suffering terribly with a painful incurable illness, who says they’ve “had enough” and that they want to die. Really what they want is for their PAIN to stop, and they think that death is the only way for the pain to stop. But there are other ways. And that’s where palliative care nurses have made a real difference to the quality of lives of those in hospices or dying at home, by relieving suffering.

    It seems to me that you’re suffering from unbearable EMOTIONAL pain; and you (naturally!) want that pain to stop; and, at the moment, you think that death is the only realistic way to make the pain stop.

    Because you don’t have a safe, sensitive, supportive and knowledgeable forum in which to have a proper conversation about your suicidal thoughts. your world view has narrowed down to this one option: death. You can’t see the alternatives. And you don’t have the motivation to look for any. Death seems alluring; an end to pain; an end to the struggle. Peace.

    So I’m just saying this. If you want to take this permanent step of taking your life, you really do owe it to yourself to rule out the other alternatives first. How? By giving them a proper try. Then you’ll have “earned” the right to take your current preferred option.

    What am I suggesting? Well, you’ve had these suicidal thoughts going round in your head this past week but, from what you’ve said, you haven’t been able to discuss them properly with another human being. It seems to me it’s been a real hindrance to you that, as soon as you mention “the S word” (suicide) to your therapist, she breaches your confidentiality and tells your care coordinator (cc). Obviously you’re going to be wary about confiding in your therapist about these thoughts now your cc has had you detained in a psychiatric ward for 2 weeks! I do understand.

    I raised this point today at Mind, when I was meeting with my advocate (who’s going to help me raise a complaint about the “treatment” I had on ward). She said that their practice was to listen and discuss suicidal thoughts; and that they would only breach confidentiality and reveal someone was experiencing suicidal thoughts if there was imminent danger. Ie the person had said something like, “As soon as I leave this office, I’m going to do X”. She was very clear that simply having suicidal thoughts and wanting to discuss them was NOT a reason in itself for them to breach confidentiality.

    My local Mind branch offers counselling (though there’s a wait of around 7 or 8 weeks) and that’s a forum where suicidal thoughts CAN be discussed sensitively and in depth, without fear of confidentiality being breached.

    At the moment, you really don’t have a safe place to discuss your suicidal thoughts, and I believe you need one so you can gain some more perspective. Twitter and blog posts aren’t a substitute for a proper discussion with someone who can sensitively explore these thoughts with you in the context of your life as you lead it now.

    No one therapist can meet all your needs or fix your life. In my (limited!) experience, a multi-faceted approach is necessary (eg I have a therapist I talk with about what happened & that sometimes makes me feel awful; another I talk with about what’s going on in my life now & I feel great after I leave her offices; plus I get massages, do exercise, see friends, am involved with community activities in a small way; that’s just what seems to work for me).

    So my suggestion is that you see if there’s a local MInd branch nearby that offers counselling or support services (it might be another organisation like Rethink instead; different ones cover different areas). Other than that, your GP might be able to refer you another form of therapy.

    Or your family could pay for a private therapist, someone who’ll be there for you long term, not just for a limited number of sessions under the NHS; it’s really not that expensive. And you do the other stuff you know works for you too (exercise, good food, friends, family, sleep, etc).

    You’ve had an awful week. Noone wants you to carry on suffering in this way. But please, give yourself a proper chance. You WILL find the peace you crave; it just might not be the way you currently see as your only option.

    • femaleptsd

      February 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

      Thanks for taking the time to write all that!! I actually agree with a lot of what you say. I feel very alone in the whole thing due to the lack of ability to explore my thoughts. I didn’t know Mind offered that service so am definitely going to look in to that – thank you!

      I’m really glad you are getting help with putting a complaint in!!

  4. Ros

    February 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

    I don’t think it’s irrational to want to escape from the pain. On the contrary, I’d say that makes perfect sense. But I think perhaps what those on the outside find hardest to understand is the feeling that there is no hope… the feeling that there is nothing that could make living with that pain worth it. I have known that feeling – when the darkness closes in and it feels as if there is nothing but pain. But it never lasted quite long enough for me to lose hope altogether. There was this voice in my head: “Choose life!” And, somehow, that voice would not let me go.

    At first, I did not really believe it. That’s how deep a hold illness can have on you. But then, one day, it dawned on me that if there really was a God… and if he was responsible for this inner call to life… then there had to be a new life to be had… here… now… in this world. There had to be something beyond the pain. So, very slowly and tentatively, I began to reach out towards that life.

    It took time. There were lots of hiccups. Often, it didn’t feel as if there was really anything there to reach for. But, eventually, I began to experience the reality of that new life. No, it wasn’t the same as the old one – and there are still things about my old life that I would love to get back. But I am now very glad that I didn’t ignore that voice. It’s hard to explain, but the life I have now… it seems to have a deeper, richer quality than it did before I walked that journey through the pain.

    I can’t make you walk that journey. No-one can. The choice is yours. But it could be that we would want you to walk it, simply because we have glimpsed something of what might lie on the other side? Couldn’t it?

    • femaleptsd

      February 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

      Yeah that’s possible as well! I guess it’s just about people realising that suicide is an option and noone has the right to say that it’s wrong. Everyone is entitled to an opinion (and I’m open to hearing other people’s view). Thanks for your comment – I appreciate it!!

  5. Claire

    February 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I’m glad it wasn’t offensive. I’m not trying to throw Christianity at you, but I do know of a Christian with a mental health issue who takes great comfort from seeing it as a chance to get closer to God. I think the idea being, learning to turn to him when you are in pain and all seems bleak is such a lot of effort it makes your relationship with God stronger.

  6. Ros

    February 24, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    I’ve been pondering your post a little more and it occurred to me that there might be another, perhaps somewhat revolutionary, reason for not taking the suicide route. It seems to me that, in a certain sense, that’s precisely what those who hurt you wanted. “Life” is something they tried to tear away from you, reducing you (in their minds at least) to a nothing.

    So refusing to give them what they wanted – i.e. refusing to die – would be one way of kicking back at them?

    Just a thought…

    Glad you are thinking of looking into the MIND thing…

  7. Erica

    May 12, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Thank you for posting this. I needed to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way sometimes. Thank you again. ❤


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