Before I start writing the main part of this post, let me just say I am not planning on killing myself. I am feeling suicidal and there is a difference between that and actually doing it. I would never say on the internet if I was going to do it, just like I’m never able to tell anyone in real life that I am feeling this way for fear of going back to hospital!!
This last week, I have really noticed my mood taking a drastic turn for the worse. I thought that when I was detained, that this was it, I had hit the lowest point possible. But I was wrong! And this is where I think suicide is the answer. Everytime I think ‘right this is it, I’m at rock bottom’, it really isn’t and I just can’t cope with going in to anymore of a darker, lonelier place than I currently am. And even if I could see a way out, I have zero motivation to do anything about it.
Suicide is still quite a taboo subject and something not many people understand or possibly want to. The two main things I’ve heard said to others are ‘That’s such a selfish thing to do’ and ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’. So let me answer those in turn.
Anyone who truly understands mental health would not come out with that statement. I can try to understand where they are coming from when they say that leaving behind people who love them is a selfish act, however, flipping it on its head, is it not therefore selfish to ask someone to live for the sake of others? I know I have family, but I know I am a burden and actually they would be a lot better off if I wasn’t here. In terms of friends, I stopped going to football training (which is where majority of my friends were) last year and not even my manager or assistant manager (who I thought were good friends), called to ask if I was ok and why I had stopped. I haven’t heard from them in about 5 or 6 months, so they really wouldn’t miss me if I wasn’t here as they haven’t actually missed me when I have been here!!
The second statement ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’ makes a huge assumption that it is temporary. I know I have mentioned diagnosis etc before but to keep it all in one post; I have C-PTSD, major depression and bad anxiety issues (they are my care co-ordinator’s words, not mine). Using PTSD as an example they say that in its chronic phase, that it is treatable but not curable. Do I really want to learn to live with all that is going on in my head? I know flashbacks can diminish over time and you can learn coping strategies, but is that really any quality of life that I want to be left with? In my eyes that is not a temporary problem!
Again as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I had a number of goals and dreams before my main trauma. I will never be that person again, I am expected to build a different me – well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to see what the next life brings me (if there is another life – but that’s a whole other topic!!), what is so wrong with me saying, ‘I’ve had enough and it’s my time?’
That brings me on to something I watched yesterday (courtesy of @Sectioned_ which can be seen here http://bit.ly/zx8lNs and is about a woman, who happens to be a police officer, and how she finds a reason to live when she is feeling suicidal). In the film, she mentions the fact that she believed it just wasn’t her time and I too am a big believer in that. That if something isn’t meant to happen, then it won’t. And so using that theory, if I attempted suicide today and it wasn’t meant to be, something would happen to prevent this. And if I was successful then it was my time anyway.
This post feels a bit all over the place, no real structure to it but I am trying to write my thoughts as they come out but I believe the things I talk about are rational. And so how can I suddenly be known as irrational just because I mention death? Who in society makes suicide unacceptable? Is it just our culture or is suicide looked down upon in other societies too (I know it isn’t but I’m not going to go in to that here!).
It is openly said we don’t know how the brain works properly and only 50 years ago were procedures like the lobotomy taking place. How do we know that in another 50 years, people won’t look back and say, ‘can you believe they made them live through that and if they didn’t want to carry on, they were put in a locked ward!’ I know, it sounds ludicrous, but so does someone making me stay alive when I don’t want to!!!