In a previous post I mentioned how I had struggled with leaving the routine environment of being detained in a psychiatric ward. In the 2 weeks after being discharged, I had 2 therapy sessions and 1 visit from my care co-ordinator (which was after 5 days of coming out).I felt alone and unsupported.
I am the type of person that if something is on my mind, I will tell the person involved and so when I had my 2nd visit from my care co-ordinator (cc), that’s exactly what I did!!
I told her that I was pissed off with her (thankfully we have the kind of relationship where this is ok for me to say). I explained in her last visit I said how much I was struggling after being discharged and that was me asking for help. And the fact at the end of the session she made an appointment for 10 days later was what had riled me. We spoke about it for a while, about the fact she wasn’t able to fit another visit in that week because of her schedule. I totally understood this and I wasn’t asking for another visit, just a phone call – it didn’t even have to be from her, a duty worker would have done. Just someone who I could reach out to in what for me has been one of the hardest times of this whole illness!
I’m really not one to hold a grudge, I’d said my piece, she had said hers and so we could both move on. This was last Thursday and we arranged for her (or someone else) to call on Monday to see if I was ok.
However, on the Friday, for some reason I got an overwhelming need to be hurt. It took a lot for me to do but I eventually managed to call my cc. We spoke about why I might feel this way and I realised that if I was in enough physical pain, then my mind would be on that and not the mental pain I was in. Once I understood this, I felt a bit better and promised her I would make it through the weekend without going ahead with the ‘hurt me’ plans I had thought of (nothing to do with suicide!!)
Yesterday, my cc called as promised and during our conversation she asked if I could think of anything that she could do to support me more. I honestly couldn’t think of anything she could do in the confines of the system. And that’s where I was wrong when I told my cc I was pissed off with her. I think it should have been the system I was angry at – not her!!