Today I woke up (after very little sleep), feeling 2 things:
2) an overwhelming need to be hurt and punished.
I decided I needed to do something about these, but had no idea where to turn, so I called the Samaritans. Once I called, I actually didn’t know what to say and realised that only I could change my feelings (this is the reason I don’t call cc when down, because really what can they do!!).
So then I decided I was going to go and see one of the guys who was responsible for my PTSD and here is my guess why:
“I am a worthless slut who deserves to be punished” is one of the major thoughts I’ve been left with from what they said and today I agreed. Whether physically, sexually or both, I needed to be punished because I am worthless – its that simple! I went along knowing what would probably happen and I felt so detached, that this was ok!
But it didn’t happen. They didn’t want me. And I don’t mean for sex (as that wasn’t & never will be on offer), they literally told me to fuck off, that they never wanted to see me again as I was a whore who was spoiled goods.
And so it transpires, not even the people who did this to me want me around. Is there a word for feeling less than worthless? Because that’s how I’m feeling right now!
So it’s fine to judge me, I’m a shit person. Why else would I go back there…