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Use of the word ‘overdose’

10 Apr

Today I woke up from taking a number of sleeping tablets on sunday (and every time I woke up since). When I went on twitter I saw a number of people had messaged me to see if I was ok and one of my replies said, “thanks for concern – am safe just sleeping off after effects of od”. Let me try to explain my use of the word overdose (od).

I am a very impulsive person and when I am in a very bad place, I worry that I will make a serious attempt at suicide. To overcome this, I take sleeping tablets (around 2 weeks worth) to ‘knock me out’ for a few days. This might sound unconventional but for me it is about passing time until I can manage my emotions and feelings more. In no way are they overdoses with suicidal intent and I openly discuss them with my care co-ordinator (cc).

I always used to call it knocking myself out – it described what I was doing and also what I wanted to do (when knocked out, you can’t feel emotion!!). However my cc has worked with me to call them what they are – overdoses. Whether intentional, accidental or suicidal, the act of taking more tablets than you are supposed to, is an overdose and this therefore brings us to today.

I think the word overdose for me has now become a ‘norm’. Sad I know, but that’s just where my life is at the min. It was pointed out to me that when I said I’d od’d, it actually worried people on twitter. This is NEVER my intention, I actually felt horrendous when it was pointed out. I forget that for most people, overdose is synonymous with suicide and when I say it, that’s what people think. For that, I am really sorry, I never want anyone to worry about me – I am not worth that and would hate that I am making anyone feel that way.

My initial reaction was to say I should leave twitter, that if I couldn’t say how I actually felt then there was no point me being there. This was in the heat of the moment as to be honest I felt shit and guilty and ashamed and a myriad of other emotions – purely because people said they were worried. In hindsight this isn’t the right thing to do and I need twitter as a place to air my feelings.

When I am in a bad place, I often go offline for a few days purely because I’m either asleep or I just want to lie and do nothing. In the future I will try to just say I am ok so this doesn’t happen again.

I really am grateful for the messages I received – it showed people cared. I am just really bad at thinking anyone would care about me – sorry!

 

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5 Comments

Posted by on April 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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5 responses to “Use of the word ‘overdose’

  1. Walking The Black Dog

    April 10, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    You shouldn’t be ashamed and you are certainly not worthless. Just be very careful. You can not ever be totally sure of the effect of an od. Hope things pick up for you soon.

     
  2. trickygirl

    April 10, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    *sends hugs*

    Sorry I’ve not been much cop in the way of being supportive on Twitter recently, I’m in a really bad place right now myself (won’t go into details but this is the worst I’ve been in a long time, so I completely understand where you’re coming from)

    Hope things start looking up for you soon. Take gentle care of yourself and remember that there are folk out there who understand and care, difficult as that may be for you (I know how that feels). Shout if you need some support. xxx

     
    • femaleptsd

      April 10, 2012 at 8:15 pm

      Sorry you are going through a bad phase right now – you know where I am if you need me x

       
      • trickygirl

        April 10, 2012 at 10:14 pm

        Thanks hon, I appreciate that. It’s good to know that there’s people like you out there who understand how I’m feeling. Let’s hope things get better for both of us soon! xx

         
  3. Mike

    April 11, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Twitter and blogs and so on are more like a real community than you might think. For example, if you live in a little village you might get a lot of interest and support but everyone knows your business. If you move to a big city it’s more anonymous but less caring.

    People notice on Twitter when someone’s suddenly gone quiet and, as it’s the only contact they have, it’s almost like you not being seen walking down the street — like when people get panicky and call the police to break the door down.

    Interesting how these online social communities function.

     

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