Today I woke up from taking a number of sleeping tablets on sunday (and every time I woke up since). When I went on twitter I saw a number of people had messaged me to see if I was ok and one of my replies said, “thanks for concern – am safe just sleeping off after effects of od”. Let me try to explain my use of the word overdose (od).
I am a very impulsive person and when I am in a very bad place, I worry that I will make a serious attempt at suicide. To overcome this, I take sleeping tablets (around 2 weeks worth) to ‘knock me out’ for a few days. This might sound unconventional but for me it is about passing time until I can manage my emotions and feelings more. In no way are they overdoses with suicidal intent and I openly discuss them with my care co-ordinator (cc).
I always used to call it knocking myself out – it described what I was doing and also what I wanted to do (when knocked out, you can’t feel emotion!!). However my cc has worked with me to call them what they are – overdoses. Whether intentional, accidental or suicidal, the act of taking more tablets than you are supposed to, is an overdose and this therefore brings us to today.
I think the word overdose for me has now become a ‘norm’. Sad I know, but that’s just where my life is at the min. It was pointed out to me that when I said I’d od’d, it actually worried people on twitter. This is NEVER my intention, I actually felt horrendous when it was pointed out. I forget that for most people, overdose is synonymous with suicide and when I say it, that’s what people think. For that, I am really sorry, I never want anyone to worry about me – I am not worth that and would hate that I am making anyone feel that way.
My initial reaction was to say I should leave twitter, that if I couldn’t say how I actually felt then there was no point me being there. This was in the heat of the moment as to be honest I felt shit and guilty and ashamed and a myriad of other emotions – purely because people said they were worried. In hindsight this isn’t the right thing to do and I need twitter as a place to air my feelings.
When I am in a bad place, I often go offline for a few days purely because I’m either asleep or I just want to lie and do nothing. In the future I will try to just say I am ok so this doesn’t happen again.
I really am grateful for the messages I received – it showed people cared. I am just really bad at thinking anyone would care about me – sorry!