I have just got back from my therapy session and needed to get thoughts out!!
Last weekend saw a difficult one (not really ready to go into why) that essentially felt like me pressing my self-destruct button. I put myself in an unsafe situation and spent a lot of the weekend pretty drunk and stoned. All this because I felt like I deserved to be punished because I couldn’t even manage to go out for a walk on my own (that was my homework from care co-ordinator!!)
After the weekend, a lot of emotions from the original rape were brought up (that I’d well and truly buried), and so going to therapy today I thought we could discuss them and see what strategies for helping me if I was in that place again we could come up with and also deal with all the emotions that have bee brought up.
I explained what had happened to my therapist and that it came about because of a culmination of being angry that I couldn’t go for a walk, emotions that were brought up in emdr therapy last week plus stresses to do with my work. I told her my emotions go from 0-10 in seconds and when they are so extreme all the distraction techniques I have are pointless. That I needed help on things I could do at that point. I think I set out what I needed from the session.
Instead, we spent an hour putting a plan together about what was achievable for me going out on my own. I understand that this was the trigger point that day, but another day it could be something completely different. I needed help in dealing with the emotions it brings up that makes me want to hurt myself in whatever way.
Towards the end of the session I told her this and she said we can work on that next time (in 2 weeks). So now I have two weeks where I’m feeling right on the edge of self-destruction and no real way to manage it. I’ve got mindfulness stuff as well as relaxation tracks but at the min, for me, these could also be triggers because if I don’t get them right or they don’t have the desired effect then I will beat self up over the fact that I can’t do them!!
Feeling rather frustrated at the moment. I’m sure it’s probably me over reacting like I tend to do immediately after something gets to me!!