If I’m being honest, my latest episode of taking medication to ‘knock myself out’, really scared me. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I used over the counter sleeping tablets to help me get that effect (I usually took a weeks packet at once). However, in the early hours of Monday I was really struggling and the only tablets I had in was my prescription medication.
I knew that they were one of the least toxic medications on the market and so didn’t think twice about taking a weeks worth in one go. I use them mainly for their sedative effect and so I assumed a weeks worth would help me sleep for a good few hours.
My care coordinator (cc), came round about midday and found me unable to walk properly or speak very well. She asked what I’d taken and phoned an ambulance. I really didn’t want one, it was a waste of time and resources as I knew they weren’t toxic. And then I was sick and lost consciousness. I don’t actually remember much but it’s what my cc has told me since.
I was discharged, after a psych consult, around 11pm the same night. The tablets had made my blood pressure drop which is why I was out of it for a bit.
My cc came to see me on Thursday to see how I was and filled in the missing pieces. She told me she was really worried about me and that independently taking small overdoses of the tablets I use wouldn’t kill me. However, what would, is the culmination of them all in such a short space of time. This is what scared me!
Those that have known my blog and twitter (@femaleptsd) for a while know I’ve had my suicidal moments and that’s one thing. But for me to die because all I want is to numb the pain, then that is quite another. And so I have taken the decision to remove that coping strategy all together. The problem is, I haven’t been able to replace it with anything and so the end of this week has been one of the worst for me.
I’ve literally kept myself in bed so that I’m not tempted, and in the process have lost all motivation – you know it’s bad when even suicide is too much of a hassle!!
So, what’s next for me? My cc wants to arrange a review session with everyone involved in my care (my psychiatrist & therapist) to discuss if we are currently on the right path. She thinks that maybe its not the right time for me to be having therapy as I don’t have the coping skills for everything it’s bringing up. I’m not really sure of my opinion on this.
I am also waiting for an assessment to see if I can get a bed in mind’s crisis accommodation. This is essentially a place to go for up to 7 days with a more therapeutic environment and 24/7 access to support (via a phone). I’ve always battled against going to anywhere like this but I honestly think I need it right now. The waiting list is 2 weeks but the assessment should be next week sometime.
I also just want to say thank you so much to those on twitter who yet agin have been there for me. Words don’t feel enough to express my gratitude, but you know who you are!!