Yesterday I went to meet with a member of staff at the crisis accommodation I have previously posted about. She asked me some standard questions like name, date of birth etc and also about my risk of suicide, but the question that got to me the most was, “What do you do in your spare time?”
Well firstly, spare time activities implies things I do for pleasure. I don’t do anything for pleasure anymore – even the smallest things are part of a plan, things I’m working on – definitely not pleasurable. So having a nice relaxing bath has become a distraction technique and going out to try to jog is part of my graded exposure, nothing pleasurable about trying to stop thinking about suicide or managing anxiety The question really had an impact on me and made me think again about how far away from the person I used to be.
On the way home I could feel myself getting really angry at myself;
Why couldn’t I verbalise my thoughts when asked?
Why couldn’t I ask any questions and instead seemed to have lost my voice
How pathetic I was with the fact there were people at the lunchtime drop in club and I couldn’t even go in the same room as them.
I could feel myself going down the usual road of starting to beat myself up and this usually led me to taking a non-suicidal overdose. So, I did it, I called the office and spoke to the student social worker (my cc is off at the min). She couldn’t really deal with me and so passed me on to the duty worker. I struggled to speak to her (I felt she was very abrupt) and she said she wanted to come out and see me. It was about 4.30 and I live in a place that is notorious for traffic. She called me about 4.45 to say they were stuck in traffic and I told her to just turn around, there was no use sitting in it. She agreed but told me she was going to ask the out of hours duty worker to call me later.
And she did, and was really nice – it felt like she was really willing to listen. I wasn’t very talkative and at the end of each call she asked if she could call me back in half an hour/ an hour. I spoke to her 3 times in total and although I don’t think I’d ever use that service again, it was nice that they stuck to their word and called. Unfortunately I also ended up cutting, I felt I needed to be hurt for being such a failure in the day!
Anyway, the result of the visit to the accommodation is that I go on Tuesday for up to 7 days. I have mixed thoughts on it but giving it a chance as it might just be what I need!!