This week has been a long one. After the mess I got myself in to last weekend, the place at the crisis accommodation couldn’t have come at a better time.
Tuesday saw me have an appointment with my therapist and this is where I first mentioned the weekend and the impact it had had. It was emotional and we talked about the feelings leading up to it & how I could maybe use some strategies to stop me getting to the point of feeling like I need to punish myself.
After that appointment I pretty much went straight to a review meeting with my psychiatrist and care coordinator (cc). I’d seen my cc on the Monday and when she asked me what I’d done to my eye, I said I fell (feeble and ridiculous I know!!). I’d made the decision I was going to be honest and tell her what had happened in that meeting and so that was another emotional hour.
Finally, I then went to the crisis accommodation to ‘check in’ and had to go through everything in my past – from suicide attempts to the reasons behind them and then a lot of questions on symptoms, self harm and coping strategies. Needless to say by the end of Tuesday I was mentally exhausted and I had an early night.
If I’m honest, I was still unsure what the use of me being there was going to be. The time I struggle the most is in the night and there was only support between 9-5 when there was supposed to be staff on site. But I’d promised I was going to give it a go and so I stayed. Wednesday saw the student sw coming round to do more graded exposure work. Thursday I had some reiki at the accommodation and Friday my cc came round.
All was ok and I honestly felt I’d really tried to integrate myself. I’d gone down on the thursday morning to the communal area to have a brew with one of the support workers, had the treatment and actually stayed there for longer than a few hours.
Friday afternoon though I hit a crisis point and got myself in a real state. I went for a shower to try and distract me but when that didn’t work I decided to go downstairs to speak to a support worker (me asking for help is not an easy thing!!). But there was nobody around. I sat for about 45 mins, got really panicky and started to struggle with my breathing and so went back upstairs. I then plucked up the courage to call my cc as I was feeling those impulsive thoughts that I get and am really trying not to act on them!! But she was in a meeting. I even asked if the student sw was available but no. So I was left with all these emotions and I’d really tried to get help but to no avail.
At this point, if I was at home, I would have done something (maybe cut or taking too many tablets), but I didn’t have those options available to me, I had to try and deal with these emotions. Thankfully, a support worker knocked on my door to ask how I was and the fact I was in floods of tears gave it away. She came in and we sat and talked for over an hour. It was purely chit-chat but the distraction helped to get me over the pinnacle of my emotions.
So back to my original question – was it any use for me? I think yes it has been. It’s not been life changing, but I don’t think anything can be. What happens when I go back home on Monday, I’m not sure – with all options open to me will I cut instead of call for help for example? I can only take one day at a time!!