I wasn’t sure whether to write this. It’s been on my mind for a while but never felt it was right to get it down on my blog. However, I think this will give a much more rounded view and the reason for writing this blog was never to pick and choose my topics, but to write about my journey and this is definitely part of that!
I have given a lot of thought to my life, where I’m at and where I’m going, over the past few weeks and truly feel I have made a decision. This world isn’t for me. I’ve spoken openly to my therapist about this and to an extent my care coordinator (cc). I can see that there is a way to deal with my past, that I can lessen the impact it has on my life. That I can change my goals and wants in order to become a ‘new’ person where my past is just that.
To get to that point is a difficult path and if I dig down deep inside myself, I could possibly get there. But I don’t want to! It’s as simple as that. I don’t want every day to be a battle, a fight where I have to will myself to even move out of bed. To have to fill in worksheets looking at my emotional reasoning and changing the fundamentals of my life – all because of what happened to me!! I just don’t want to! There is no irrational thinking or lack of capacity, this is a decision based upon looking at realistic factors. Also, no one can guarantee (with any of us), what life holds and I am not willing to take that chance that I could end up back in a bottomless pit of darkness trying to clamber my way back in to some semblance of life!!
And maybe that is why I am finding it a bit easier to do certain things – because in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter if I have a panic attack, I won’t be here soon to have to deal with them. It doesn’t matter if I eat junk all the time, there won’t be enough time for consequences. I could go on, but think you can get the gist!
I have turned going to America in to a chance to say a face to face goodbye to my family – to see them one last time so this isn’t something that will happen imminently. However making this decision has given me a kind of calm that makes getting through these days a bit more bearable. I’m not sure if I am writing this very well, but it’s not something for me to be sad over – just to accept and get on with!