End in Sight

30 May

I wasn’t sure whether to write this. It’s been on my mind for a while but never felt it was right to get it down on my blog. However, I think this will give a much more rounded view and the reason for writing this blog was never to pick and choose my topics, but to write about my journey and this is definitely part of that!

I have given a lot of thought to my life, where I’m at and where I’m going, over the past few weeks and truly feel I have made a decision. This world isn’t for me. I’ve spoken openly to my therapist about this and to an extent my care coordinator (cc). I can see that there is a way to deal with my past, that I can lessen the impact it has on my life. That I can change my goals and wants in order to become a ‘new’ person where my past is just that.

To get to that point is a difficult path and if I dig down deep inside myself, I could possibly get there. But I don’t want to! It’s as simple as that. I don’t want every day to be a battle, a fight where I have to will myself to even move out of bed. To have to fill in worksheets looking at my emotional reasoning and changing the fundamentals of my life – all because of what happened to me!! I just don’t want to! There is no irrational thinking or lack of capacity, this is a decision based upon looking at realistic factors. Also, no one can guarantee (with any of us), what life holds and I am not willing to take that chance that I could end up back in a bottomless pit of darkness trying to clamber my way back in to some semblance of life!!

And maybe that is why I am finding it a bit easier to do certain things – because in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter if I have a panic attack, I won’t be here soon to have to deal with them. It doesn’t matter if I eat junk all the time, there won’t be enough time for consequences. I could go on, but think you can get the gist!

I have turned going to America in to a chance to say a face to face goodbye to my family – to see them one last time so this isn’t something that will happen imminently. However making this decision has given me a kind of calm that makes getting through these days a bit more bearable. I’m not sure if I am writing this very well, but it’s not something for me to be sad over – just to accept and get on with!


Posted by on May 30, 2012 in Uncategorized


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4 responses to “End in Sight

  1. Carmel

    May 30, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I am very much of the same mindset and I’m very close to the end also,I hope. It is a bit ironic though that once the decision is made it makes things that bit easier. The course I took up with suicide or survive is a lot of crap. It’s not suicide or survive at all, it’s only about surviving, what if one doesn’t want to survive? No one can say that suicide is wrong as no one has come back from the dead that I know of anyway. Best of luck with whatever happens. I’ll see you on the other side please God

    • femaleptsd

      May 30, 2012 at 7:32 pm

      I’m sorry that the course u took never worked out – do they know what u think of it? I can’t be hypocritical and say don’t do it and yes like u say it’s ironic that things become so much easier when that decision is made!! You have my email add if you ever need to talk about anything x

  2. Bense

    June 11, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    You will probably get this after you land!

    Fellow PTSD sufferer, I recently followed you on twitter and today found the time to sit down and read through your blog. Firstly let me be clear & honest with you on one issue:

    “Each person’s event that triggered PTSD is unique, and as such it would be insulting to suggest that I understand the physical trauma that you were forced to suffer, because it involved YOU and not ME.”

    And I am not going to sympathise with you, because sympathy is not what you need. However, based on my own “Trauma” and the ensuing PTSD, I want to share my experience with you (and Carmel) in order to demonstrate that there really is a light, no matter how dim it may appear, at the end of that dark & terrifying tunnel.

    In 2006 I was nearly killed whilst carrying out my job which I had loved. It was only by sheer luck that I survived my accident, and unfortunately it did end my beloved career & my active and full lifestyle. My trauma destroyed my trust in everyone & everything, and the flashbacks that I suffered (and still suffer now) were / are like re-living the event in HD with full 5.1 dolby!

    Even though I had received PTSD Awareness training as a manager, I failed to recognise it as a sufferer. I spent almost three years in a very dark place, my partner oblivious to my despair, only noticing that I was withdrawn & much less sociable, amongst other things. It was fair to say that I was getting to the stage where I was unable to comprehend the thought of spending the rest of my life in this condition. It was at this point I changed my doctor and asked for a review of my pain relief medication (I was taking 100mg of Tramadol every 4-6hrs), it was whilst I was having my review that my doctor asked me a couple of odd questions. (When was the last time you spent time with friends & Do you feel lonely???). From those two questions I was asked to complete an evaluation / examination by the CMHRT, which led to the start of the most challenging two+ years of my life.

    Everyone’s PTSD treatment & response is very different, and as a sufferer you can almost feel like a guinea pig in some kind of clinical trial. However, with the excellent support, guidance & treatment by my clinician and the CMHRT I was able to find my way of coping with PTSD. It is not easy and it is for life, but I know it does work.

    I can & do understand why you have made the decision above, having been in that dark place I know how easy it is to be tempted by that choice. And in the short term it may feel like the most suitable solution, but from personal experience it is not. I dedicated my career to saving life and I just wanted to say that your life is precious, taking your own life is not easy and is not a “cure”.

    Femaleptsd, I don’t know you personally but having read your blog & tweets I do know one thing about you (And you may not recognise it yourself) YOU SURVIVED! And to get this far has taken real courage, courage that will eventually get you through this. Suicide is not the answer or solution to PTSD. I have recently lost a friend who became alcohol dependent through PTSD (and that was his spiral in to his eventual death). And I will be honest with you, when he passed, my first thought was “You lucky bastard!” Why? Because even though I am a PTSD survivor, there was a part of me that was jealous because he no longer had to deal with PTSD, every day, for the rest of his life.

    I do understand that you have made a logical choice based on your own personal experience, but I do want to tell you that you will succeed in surviving PTSD having come this far. We both still have so many positive experiences to come, and yes living with PTSD is hard work, upsetting and at times downright bloody depressing, but we have to strive to adjust and cope with it, and for some like myself it took years. And I am still learning little tricks all the time about this nasty invisible injury that affects you, me & Carmel.

    Had I made your decision I would not have saved someone’s life eighteen months ago, that was a graphic reminder to me of the impact that one life can have on another. I really hope that after your visit to the states you realise how precious you are to other people, and how you deserve to survive and go on to enjoy what life has to offer.

    Take care Femaleptsd

    P.S I have a locked twitter account, but if you do want to contact a survivor, please feel free using my email.

    • femaleptsd

      June 11, 2012 at 9:26 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to write your comment. I was reading all the way through it nodding my head saying yeah that’s exactly it!!

      I’m very confused over the whole thing and won’t be making any rash decisions but I guess part of me feels like id like to live (very small) and that is what is keeping me alive. I guess whilst there is 1% doubt then I need to keep trying. I think I just can’t come to terms with the fact that this will be with me for a considerable amount of time.

      Anyway I won’t waffle but I wanted to say thanks so much for sharing not only your personal story but also how it’s affected you – I really appreciate it x


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