Further to my last post, I have definitely decided that I need to live. I want to train in some kind of counselling to help others in similar situations. But in the short-term, I have asked to be discharged.
I have been here for 3 days, have done as they asked, had daily showers and eaten and drank. But that is just the superficial side of things. I really do feel that I am ok to go home for the following reasons:
1 – I was suicidal, there is no getting away from that. I had set a deadline of today to make the decision of whether to go ahead and kill myself or really engage with the services and give my treatment a real go. Being in hospital has reminded me of what I have and can have again. Now that decision has been made (actually made it yesterday), I see no point whatsoever of being here anymore.
2 – I’ve actually realised how ridiculous it sounds that I had given myself this deadline and not only that but I had waited until my mum was in America. I love my mum to bits as I do the rest of my family and I want to see my nieces growing up!!
3 – I think until I fully accepted that there were people in my life that I loved, then suicide was always going to be option to go to. I know this will be a really long road, I’ve no doubt of that, and I also have to be aware that I will have suicidal thoughts, but that’s all they are – just like a lot of the population!
4 – It’s been so hard to see how much my life has changed since I was raped and very much felt ‘why should I suffer because of them?’ but the fact is, I am and I need to accept the help around me to move on and hopefully get back some of the old me!
So I need to know, how can I prove this to the staff here? I’m willing to work as intensively as needed with the home treatment team (crisis team) and my cc. I’m willing to go and stay with a friend who has offered me a bed or even go to my grandparents and stay with them (they live far so won’t be able to access services if that was the case).
I don’t see how being on the ward is helping me; I’ve had more flashbacks, feel on edge all the time cos of number of men walking around and generally don’t see how this can be to me benefit?
I’d really appreciate anyone reading this to let me know what they think the doctor will ask and if I have covered all parts?