This week, I was made to see that I needed to face up to a fact that I have set a pattern of self-destructive behaviours and that I find it easier to do these than deal with the reasons behind them. If I am honest, I have stayed away from truly exploring the reasons behind this.
In therapy, we have worked on coping strategies to try to stop me indulging in self-destructive behaviours but we have never discussed the ‘why’. Last week I did all the things I’m trying to stop; from cutting and over eating to the more dangerous and harmful thing of revisiting my abusers. I know I hate myself, that’s been a common theme throughout my blog – but why do I feel the need to follow this hatred with harming myself?
This has been the metaphorical elephant in the room in my therapy sessions and this week I decided to address this. From my therapist’s reaction, I think she was waiting for me to have this realisation rather than trying to probe in to it when I wasn’t ready for it.
We looked at my thought process that leads me to go down this route and she picked up on the thought that has been prevalent throughout all our sessions and that revolves around “it’s my fault”. So we looked at what in my past has made me so self-critical. It was a difficult session because in the past we have either touched on recent traumas or my childhood abuse or my upbringing (eg relationship with my dad) but to go through all of it at one time trying to pick it apart was tough and something with which we still have a way to go.
I took in to the session something I had discussed with the voluntary sector the day before – bear with me whilst I try to explain the analogy of the eye of the storm! When I go back to the people who abused me, I completely detach from my emotions and it is like the eye of the storm – it is calm and quiet. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, how can it be that when such horrid things are happening to me that I feel nothing, but I am just trying to explain how it feels. Then in the days after when my mood goes bad again, this is like moving through the actual storm. The problem comes when it is so much closer to go back to the eye and hit that clam again than it is to ride out the whole storm and come out the other side.
The problem with this is that each time I go back to the eye of the storm, I am essentially sending me back to the beginning of my journey and this is what is frustrating everyone involved in my care (me included). Who’d have thought I would be writing that I find it easier to be sexually hurt than I do to deal with it and if that offends anyone, I apologise but this is where my journey has unexpectedly taken me.