Latest Therapy Session

09 Aug

This week, I was made to see that I needed to face up to a fact that I have set a pattern of self-destructive behaviours and that I find it easier to do these than deal with the reasons behind them. If I am honest, I have stayed away from truly exploring the reasons behind this.

In therapy, we have worked on coping strategies to try to stop me indulging in self-destructive behaviours but we have never discussed the ‘why’. Last week I did all the things I’m trying to stop; from cutting and over eating to the more dangerous and harmful thing of revisiting my abusers. I know I hate myself, that’s been a common theme throughout my blog – but why do I feel the need to follow this hatred with harming myself?

This has been the metaphorical elephant in the room in my therapy sessions and this week I decided to address this. From my therapist’s reaction, I think she was waiting for me to have this realisation rather than trying to probe in to it when I wasn’t ready for it.

We looked at my thought process that leads me to go down this route and she picked up on the thought that has been prevalent throughout all our sessions and that revolves around “it’s my fault”. So we looked at what in my past has made me so self-critical. It was a difficult session because in the past we have either touched on recent traumas or my childhood abuse or my upbringing (eg relationship with my dad) but to go through all of it at one time trying to pick it apart was tough and something with which we still have a way to go.

I took in to the session something I had discussed with the voluntary sector the day before – bear with me whilst I try to explain the analogy of the eye of the storm! When I go back to the people who abused me, I completely detach from my emotions and it is like the eye of the storm – it is calm and quiet. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, how can it be that when such horrid things are happening to me that I feel nothing, but I am just trying to explain how it feels. Then in the days after when my mood goes bad again, this is like moving through the actual storm. The problem comes when it is so much closer to go back to the eye and hit that clam again than it is to ride out the whole storm and come out the other side.

The problem with this is that each time I go back to the eye of the storm, I am essentially sending me back to the beginning of my journey and this is what is frustrating everyone involved in my care (me included). Who’d have thought I would be writing that I find it easier to be sexually hurt than I do to deal with it and if that offends anyone, I apologise but this is where my journey has unexpectedly taken me.


Posted by on August 9, 2012 in Uncategorized


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11 responses to “Latest Therapy Session

  1. Mike

    August 9, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    I don’t know much about therapy and how to cope with it but what you’ve written above seems to be a very good piece of analysis of the process to me.

    Seems to me that your ‘eye of the storm’ analogy is very appropriate and, perhaps, this is the area which if you confront (when you’re able) then you’ll possibly break out of where you are.

    • femaleptsd

      August 9, 2012 at 11:34 pm

      Thanks Mike – you always make my writing sound more intelligent than I think it is (and me lol)!! Like you say though, maybe by realising this it’s the starting point for getting out of it. Knowing that that the storm will be a difficult path to chose but at the other side is longer term calmness than the snatched few hours currently!

  2. Sectioned

    August 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Your “eye of the storm” analogy is very descriptive and makes me think of someone who abuses drugs: ie it’s easier to give in to temptation and take the next hit for temporary relief than it is to tough it out through cold turkey; or, it’s easier to smoke that next cigarette to stave off the craving than it is to go through the difficulties of quitting; etc. Does that sound fair?

    In that case, the key is finding the right method / equipping you with the right skills to get you through the cold turkey period. The magic key to freedom.

    Then, once you’re weaned off your drug of choice – heroin, cigarettes, sleeping tablets, cutting, over-eating, sex – that’s when the real work begins. That’s when you can look at the underlying issues.

    That’s how it seems to me anyway, though my only personal experience is having successfully stopped smoking!

    • femaleptsd

      August 10, 2012 at 11:46 pm

      Yeah where the ‘hit’ is feeling detached and without any emotions or having to deal with everything.

      Like you say it’s getting through that period to reach freedom – the question is; why isn’t freedom a big enough pull for me?

      • Em

        August 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

        Because you don’t feel like you deserve it? Why should someone like you be happy? Self fulfilling prophecy…..I am bad so therefore I will do ‘bad’ things….

      • femaleptsd

        August 21, 2012 at 9:25 pm

        Hi thanks for the comment – yeah I definitely think there is an element of that involved!!

  3. Sarah Maguire (@SarahsLogin)

    August 10, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    It’s avoidance then. A way to avoid feeling by re-traumatising yourself. When traumatised we are numb. Long term misery for short term relief. What is it you are so keen not to feel?

    • femaleptsd

      August 10, 2012 at 11:47 pm

      How much of a failure I am and the after effects of all the shit that’s happened to me – don’t feel I can actually cope with all that!

  4. Mrs A. (@idva12)

    August 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I suppose the fact that you started exploring why everthing is “your fault” may be a significant milestone on your road to recovery?

    • femaleptsd

      August 21, 2012 at 9:25 pm

      Yeah I really hope so!!

      • Em

        August 21, 2012 at 10:27 pm

        Just wanted to say Thank you for this blog. I can relate to everything regarding mental health team, cc, nurses etc. I had a breakdown ten years ago caused by stressful events out of my control….I self harmed through cutting, sex, drink, drugs, binge eating, relationships all to avoid feeling pain. I’m just down to binge eating once in a while. I need to now stand still, deal with the feelings from 10 years ago and since. But that’s hard as I’m not sure if I even like myself enough to do that. I really admire you, of course you are going to be ill from the terrible events…I hate labels, they make you feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you and there’s not. Anyway thanks….you ARE ok…always remember that.


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