I might be being completely pre-emptive here but these past few days have been really good for me. On Friday/Saturday I must have slept close to 24 hours. This is completely unheard of for me!
Since everything happened I have struggled to have more than one night’s sleep that a) has lasted more than a couple of hours and b) being woken by a night terror – sometimes so bad that I’ve had to take a shower due to the amount of sweat. Once adrenaline starts from something like that, there is very little sleep to be had!
So after my epic sleep, I was left feeling refreshed and for the first time in a long time, I felt that I wasn’t fighting against life, that I was living in the now and not battling suicidal thoughts and hatred. It was a small glimmer that I need to now use and move forward with.
Which brings me to today. After feeling quite pleased with myself for not feeling suicidal yesterday, I got a call this morning from the football team that I used to play for (I am still secretary) asking if I was free as they only had 10 players. Bear in mind I have barely been out of bed for the past few months and so my fitness is ridiculously low! But after yesterday I thought why not?
I was put in goal – with the least fitness needed although I learnt today actually how much running in the 18 yard box you do as a keeper! I usually play centre midfield so was well out of my comfort zone!! But I did it, I played for 90 minutes and kept a clean sheet – we won 1-0! I made a save that was going in the top corner and the feeling when my team were patting me on the back was amazing. As was the changing room banter that you get with a ladies football team.
So before I think of anything negative, I am ending this post on a high – is this me turning a corner? I really hope so!