A brief update after yesterday’s post about being scared for today’s therapy session and revisiting the nightmares etc. I think I’d worked myself up so much that by the time I got to therapy I was actually quite detached from everything.
We had a weekly catch up as usual and then she asked if I was ok to carry on where we left off. I told her I was scared about being there but I think we just needed to get on with it. And so for the first time since my last session, I read my nightmare over again. And this is where it got a bit strange – I felt no fear! I read it, and nothing! I’m asked to rate 0-10 what the fear factor is and I rated it zero. I thought seriously, that’s all it took, one session and I’m free to read it all.
But no, my therapist wasn’t quite so positive about it. She asked me to read it again and this time add in any extra details I’d missed out – sounds, sensations etc. Yet again, I did it with a zero rating. And then my therapist explained that she thought I’d completely detached from it and this in fact wasn’t me dealing with it but in fact the opposite, that I wasn’t ready to work through it. I was really disappointed, I wanted to fight this and have one less thing in my daily life to worry about.
My therapist suggested we do some more work on coping strategies and come back to the nightmare at a later appointment. If I’m honest, I would have gone along with this if I didn’t know she was going on leave, but as she was, I asked how I could ‘reattach’ myself to that memory – I needed to work on this today! She talked to me about recreating a certain part of the nightmare to see if that invoked any feeling but explained it wasn’t something she felt capable of doing. I suggested maybe going through a different memory and seeing if I could bring the fear back and so she agreed we could try that.
And so I did, I thought of another hot spot as they call it (when the fear is at the worst) and talked through it. It worked and yet again I found myself reaching for the tissue box as the tears just started. By this time we only had about 30 mins left of our session and so we went straight back to the nightmare. It was at this point that I wished I hadn’t pushed for me to carry on. It’s every bit as scary as I thought it would be and I found it really hard. My therapist is off next week so I’ve got 2 weeks before I see her again and this is what I was fearful of – opening this can of worms and not being able to close it when I’m on my own. I know it’s only two weeks but sometimes I just wish my stubbornness backed off and I didn’t push myself so hard!