**TRIGGER WARNING – SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**
Those who have read my previous posts will know this is a particular tough time of year for me. I’m coming up to an anniversary and last year around this time, I completely lost the year we were in, believing it to be the year before the trauma happened. I’m really scared what might happen this year and I’m just on the verge of giving up.
I saw my care coordinator yesterday and spent most of the time talking about my diagnosis and when she left I realised I am using that as a front so I don’t have to discuss my true feelings. So I did something I never normally and called to tell her this (before I lost my bottle). She was in a meeting and so called me back today instead. I explained and she said its not difficult to see how much I’m struggling at the moment, that I’m not reactive to her jokey ways and couldn’t even look her in the eye. She asked if I wanted to go back on the ward, I obviously I said no!! She asked if some respite time might help (the crisis place I’ve stayed at before), but I don’t see how that could help me.
I’ve felt like I’ve really tried their way of coping; mindfulness, relaxation, sleep hygiene, my 10 steps plan and yet nothing can draw me out of where I am at the moment. We’ve added in prn of one of my meds but even that is having no effect and so that leaves me with my old coping strategy. I know if I just took these tablets then I could get a few hours of solid sleep but I also know they class it as a non-suicidal overdose and am very much advised against it. But I am feeling so low and can’t be certain of my actions so surely this is a lesser of two evils?