This past week has been one of the darkest times I’ve had and even now I am in a very bad place but I have had to deal with a few things and just need to get things off my chest (that was the reason for starting this blog after all!!)
Things started to go downhill for me when I went back to a place where one of my traumas happened (you can read more about it on this blog post). I didn’t cope as I thought and it triggered me more than I thought it would.
A few days after that I had my last therapy session before my therapist goes on maternity leave and it was a bit weird. It wasn’t like we were saying goodbye because I had come to the end of needing therapy and so it felt like we spent the hour skirting around that and like there was an elephant in the room.
In the afternoon I met with my care co-ordinator and my psychiatrist for a medication review and general 3 month appointment. It has been my aim to discuss my diagnosis and the fact I don’t believe I have BPD and instead complex ptsd (as seen in this bpd v cptsd diagram I made). She looked at the diagram and said there is a lot of crossover but she has been trained in ptsd and not anything else so I have to understand that’s where her training is. I told her I appreciated that and that’s one of the reasons I did the comparison but she said she wouldn’t diagnose c-ptsd as she didn’t know it.
She then said tell me your symptoms – now I wasn’t expecting that question and it’s actually quite difficult to name everything (and trust me I’ve kicked myself for missing things out) but when she asked me about my suicide risks and I said I wasn’t actively suicidal but I didn’t want to talk about it. Her reply was ‘that’s why I think you have bpd because other people answer my questions in out-patient appointments’.
Of all the things I’d been through in the previous week and even in that appointment, it was this comment that I just broke down on. She asked why I was so upset and I told her that I feel I spend all my time keeping all these boxes of memories and issues closed as much as I can. That twice a week (one in therapy and one in cc appointment), I’m to open one or two of these boxes for an hour and then try to close again until the next time. I explained that today I just couldn’t open all of the boxes because I didn’t think I was strong enough to close them again. That every 3 months I am expected to turn up and for 20-30 mins answer any question thrown at me in a cold clinical way and be ok with that. And if this was any other day, maybe I would have been but I’m just not ok with it today. She seemed to understand my point and just said it wasn’t her intention to make me feel worse and we should leave it there. My cc took me in to a separate room to calm me down as I was just in tears and couldn’t seem to control them.
I came home and felt really down. My cc came round a couple of days later and I hardly spoke to her because I just couldn’t be bothered. I told her I was annoyed that I was just expected to open my soul at a given time and date and if I don’t then that behaviour is due to a psychiatric illness and not just because I’m allowed to find this whole process difficult. I honestly thought for the first time that the team I have actually don’t understand at all, because to be honest, I don’t even get it anymore – I just feel so lost.