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TW: Feeling Suicidal

30 Nov

**TRIGGER WARNING – SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

Those who have read my previous posts will know this is a particular tough time of year for me. I’m coming up to an anniversary and last year around this time, I completely lost the year we were in, believing it to be the year before the trauma happened. I’m really scared what might happen this year and I’m just on the verge of giving up.

I saw my care coordinator yesterday and spent most of the time talking about my diagnosis and when she left I realised I am using that as a front so I don’t have to discuss my true feelings. So I did something I never normally and called to tell her this (before I lost my bottle). She was in a meeting and so called me back today instead. I explained and she said its not difficult to see how much I’m struggling at the moment, that I’m not reactive to her jokey ways and couldn’t even look her in the eye. She asked if I wanted to go back on the ward, I obviously I said no!! She asked if some respite time might help (the crisis place I’ve stayed at before), but I don’t see how that could help me.

I’ve felt like I’ve really tried their way of coping; mindfulness, relaxation, sleep hygiene, my 10 steps plan and yet nothing can draw me out of where I am at the moment. We’ve added in prn of one of my meds but even that is having no effect and so that leaves me with my old coping strategy. I know if I just took these tablets then I could get a few hours of solid sleep but I also know they class it as a non-suicidal overdose and am very much advised against it. But I am feeling so low and can’t be certain of my actions so surely this is a lesser of two evils?

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3 Comments

Posted by on November 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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3 responses to “TW: Feeling Suicidal

  1. Pam Smith

    November 30, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, but don’t forget what a lot of steps forward you’ve made recently.

    Would it be such a bad idea to go to the crisis respite place, if you have (as it seems) hit a crisis? I don’t know what they do there, so forgive me if this is a stupid question.

    Praying as always (and so are i-church).

    Pam x

     
    • femaleptsd

      November 30, 2012 at 7:21 pm

      Thanks Pam! I just feel like I’m in a long battle, fighting different wars as I go but making no progress – if that makes any sense!!

      The crisis place is a group of 4 self contained flats & one communal area. In the day they run a lunchtime group and have a member of staff 9-5 on the premises. However because I mainly struggle st night, there is no difference than me being at home. The places are much sought after and so I’d be taking up a flat when in reality I wouldn’t be able to have any use for it. x

       
      • Pam Smith

        November 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

        That’s frustrating. Reminds me of when my friend rang me on a Saturday morning because she’s been badly beaten up by her partner the night before. Discovered the police domestic violence unit was only open Monday to Friday!

        I won’t make random suggestions because I don’t know enough about your circumstances and what’ available to stand any chance of hitting on something useful. But it sounds as if your problem is fairly clear cut. It’s a real pity there isn’t a facility for you to get help at night. Surely you can’t be alone in finding the nights more difficult than the daytime?

         

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