I am writing this on my phone so apologies in advance for any spelling/grammar mistakes! Also this could be triggering for some so please be careful if reading.
The end of next week is the anniversary of the first trauma when I was initially kidnapped and raped and so things are very bad right now.
I read a question somewhere that someone who hadn’t suffered from any trauma asked, “why do people celebrate their anniversaries? Why don’t they just ignore them?” And so I’m going to try and answer that from my perspective.
Firstly, recognising an anniversary is completely different to ‘celebrating’ it. Don’t get me wrong, I do know some people who celebrate it, in recognition of how strong they are and how far they’ve come. To show that they survived and want to celebrate that fact. All credit to these people, but currently I’m not in that place.
In all honesty, I want to hide away; pretend it never happened. However, my brain has other ideas! Whether its sub-consciously or something else, I have no idea but for the last couple of weeks I’ve really gone downhill (my last post was a show of this). My flashbacks have increased in intensity and frequency as well as throwing up some new stuff to try and deal with. My sleep is practically non-existent (writing this at 4.30am shows this!) and if I do manage to drop off, I’m woken up by a recurring nightmare that leaves me with a fast beating heart, sweat, anxiety and bad memories to ruminate on. I’ve also starting to grind my teeth so I also wake up with a tense jaw and headaches.
When I’m awake, I’m barely functional. I can’t be bothered to open my mouth to talk even though I have thoughts running through my head that I want to get out. So in answer to the original question, I don’t mark the anniversary, it marks me.
I had my weekly visit from my care co-ordinator today (well yesterday now) and I managed to get up to open the door to her and sit with her briefly in the living room. But I couldn’t speak and whenever I tried to, I just cried and the voice that came out was barely a whisper.
She asked me if I wanted sleeping tablets – I said I don’t know.
She asked if I wanted the home treatment team to come in – I said I don’t know.
She asked if I wanted to look at respite care – I said I don’t know.
I think you can get the gist of it, I just don’t know. I don’t know what’s best for me right now. My cc said that when I use isolation as a coping strategy that she can understand that and work with it. But she said it doesn’t feel like that right now – it doesn’t feel like I’m using it to cope and she’s right, I’m not coping.
She told me she felt like she was stabbing me every time she asked me to speak as it looked so painful and I looked like I needed a big hug and did I want one? Again she was right but I knew if I accepted a hug, I would completely break, so I said no thanks. When she got up to leave tears were streaming down my face and I’ve never seen her out in that state. If I’ve been crying in the session, I usually compose myself enough and we chit chat at the end to ground me, but not today.
My cc said she will call on Monday to see what decision I’ve made about treatment. I just wish sometimes someone would say, “here, this is best for you right now” and I wouldn’t have to decide because in all honesty, I just don’t know!!