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Rape Anniversary and the Effects

07 Dec

I am writing this on my phone so apologies in advance for any spelling/grammar mistakes! Also this could be triggering for some so please be careful if reading.

The end of next week is the anniversary of the first trauma when I was initially kidnapped and raped and so things are very bad right now.

I read a question somewhere that someone who hadn’t suffered from any trauma asked, “why do people celebrate their anniversaries? Why don’t they just ignore them?” And so I’m going to try and answer that from my perspective.

Firstly, recognising an anniversary is completely different to ‘celebrating’ it. Don’t get me wrong, I do know some people who celebrate it, in recognition of how strong they are and how far they’ve come. To show that they survived and want to celebrate that fact. All credit to these people, but currently I’m not in that place.

In all honesty, I want to hide away; pretend it never happened. However, my brain has other ideas! Whether its sub-consciously or something else, I have no idea but for the last couple of weeks I’ve really gone downhill (my last post was a show of this). My flashbacks have increased in intensity and frequency as well as throwing up some new stuff to try and deal with. My sleep is practically non-existent (writing this at 4.30am shows this!) and if I do manage to drop off, I’m woken up by a recurring nightmare that leaves me with a fast beating heart, sweat, anxiety and bad memories to ruminate on. I’ve also starting to grind my teeth so I also wake up with a tense jaw and headaches.

When I’m awake, I’m barely functional. I can’t be bothered to open my mouth to talk even though I have thoughts running through my head that I want to get out. So in answer to the original question, I don’t mark the anniversary, it marks me.

I had my weekly visit from my care co-ordinator today (well yesterday now) and I managed to get up to open the door to her and sit with her briefly in the living room. But I couldn’t speak and whenever I tried to, I just cried and the voice that came out was barely a whisper.

She asked me if I wanted sleeping tablets – I said I don’t know.

She asked if I wanted the home treatment team to come in – I said I don’t know.

She asked if I wanted to look at respite care – I said I don’t know.

I think you can get the gist of it, I just don’t know. I don’t know what’s best for me right now. My cc said that when I use isolation as a coping strategy that she can understand that and work with it. But she said it doesn’t feel like that right now – it doesn’t feel like I’m using it to cope and she’s right, I’m not coping.

She told me she felt like she was stabbing me every time she asked me to speak as it looked so painful and I looked like I needed a big hug and did I want one? Again she was right but I knew if I accepted a hug, I would completely break, so I said no thanks. When she got up to leave tears were streaming down my face and I’ve never seen her out in that state. If I’ve been crying in the session, I usually compose myself enough and we chit chat at the end to ground me, but not today.

My cc said she will call on Monday to see what decision I’ve made about treatment. I just wish sometimes someone would say, “here, this is best for you right now” and I wouldn’t have to decide because in all honesty, I just don’t know!!

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5 Comments

Posted by on December 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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5 responses to “Rape Anniversary and the Effects

  1. Lucy

    December 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Hey, I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. I can completely appreciate how difficult anniversaries and the sort of things it brings up. Well done for writing out your experience of anniversaries – I think many people are unable to understand why they are remembered for us. I will be thinking of you and you know where I am if you need to talk. Your CC sounds really great and I’m glad you have her around, even if right now you don’t know what you need and she isn’t able to tell you. It is so hard and I agree we sometimes need someone to say “This is what you need” but of course it never happens. Thinking of you xx

     
    • femaleptsd

      December 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

      Thankyou so much. You are right, I do have a great cc, she has fought my corner many a time! I just wish I could let her know how to help me x

       
      • Lucy

        December 8, 2012 at 5:24 pm

        I am sure in time you will be more able to tell her how to help you. I know that doesn’t help right now in this second but it does come with time. We learn xx

         
  2. Walking The Black Dog

    December 8, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Hi. Can I borrow some or all of this to quote on my blog? Hope things pick up for you very soon. G x

     
    • femaleptsd

      December 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

      Of course, anytime. And thankyou x

       

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