**TRIGGER WARNING – IF FEELING AT ALL VULNERABLE PLEASE DO NOT READ**
I have made a decision to write on here the thing I disclosed to my care co-ordinator this week. This was for a couple of reasons:
1) When I first started this blog, its primary purpose was a place for me to write exactly what I wanted, anonymously, to get my feelings out in the open. However, I could easily do that in the form of a diary so why make it public? This brings me to the secondary reason for writing this blog. If by me writing out my experiences and feelings it can help someone else know they aren’t alone, then that really would be worth the pain I sometimes feel when writing.
2) I’ve tried finding online somewhere to make me feel less hideous about this specific thing and I haven’t been able to. I know from my cc that this is more common than I think and so it just must be that people who have suffered in this way don’t want to admit to it for a number of reasons.
And so the decision to put a blog post out about this has been a difficult one. I’m aware that some people I have spoken to and become friends with through twitter and this blog, might never want to speak to me again however, this is a risk I have to take. My blog is a place where I talk about my journey and if I hold back this piece of vital information then it won’t make any sense and I have to be honest.
And so here it is, I was forced to be sexual with a dog. I feel sick writing that. I don’t know if this is the right decision to put it out there, but for now I am going to publish it.
You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself so please don’t bother and if you want to unfollow me on twitter, do so – I can’t handle negative comments about this post.
Just a little bit about why this is so different from anything I’ve published before. This is an area of what happened to me that I really can’t handle – it makes me feel inhuman, hideous and disgusting. To me, the choice at the time was do it or, I thought, die. To this day, I wish I hadn’t made the decision I did and instead let them kill me, but I didn’t and so I deserve to live with the consequences of my actions.
I don’t feel able to write anymore about this at the moment, I honestly feel sick from typing it out so I’m going to leave it there!!