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Disclosure

20 Jan

**TRIGGER WARNING – IF FEELING AT ALL VULNERABLE PLEASE DO NOT READ**

I have made a decision to write on here the thing I disclosed to my care co-ordinator this week. This was for a couple of reasons:

1) When I first started this blog, its primary purpose was a place for me to write exactly what I wanted, anonymously, to get my feelings out in the open. However, I could easily do that in the form of a diary so why make it public? This brings me to the secondary reason for writing this blog. If by me writing out my experiences and feelings it can help someone else know they aren’t alone, then that really would be worth the pain I sometimes feel when writing.

2) I’ve tried finding online somewhere to make me feel less hideous about this specific thing and I haven’t been able to. I know from my cc that this is more common than I think and so it just must be that people who have suffered in this way don’t want to admit to it for a number of reasons.

And so the decision to put a blog post out about this has been a difficult one. I’m aware that some people I have spoken to and become friends with through twitter and this blog, might never want to speak to me again however, this is a risk I have to take. My blog is a place where I talk about my journey and if I hold back this piece of vital information then it won’t make any sense and I have to be honest.

And so here it is, I was forced to be sexual with a dog. I feel sick writing that. I don’t know if this is the right decision to put it out there, but for now I am going to publish it.

You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself so please don’t bother and if you want to unfollow me on twitter, do so – I can’t handle negative comments about this post.

Just a little bit about why this is so different from anything I’ve published before. This is an area of what happened to me that I really can’t handle – it makes me feel inhuman, hideous and disgusting. To me, the choice at the time was do it or, I thought, die. To this day, I wish I hadn’t made the decision I did and instead let them kill me, but I didn’t and so I deserve to live with the consequences of my actions.

I don’t feel able to write anymore about this at the moment, I honestly feel sick from typing it out so I’m going to leave it there!!

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28 Comments

Posted by on January 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

28 responses to “Disclosure

  1. makeupandmirtazapine

    January 20, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    I wish I had more idea what to say to you, but I think you’re very brave to talk about this. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all, you should never have been put in a position that has made you feel like this. You do not ‘deserve’ to have PTSD at all, this really isn’t your fault. I hope you and care team are able to find a way through this.

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 20, 2013 at 8:08 pm

      Thankyou for the comment – just doing that has helped me so much as it shows you don’t hate me for what i’ve just disclosed!

       
      • makeupandmirtazapine

        January 20, 2013 at 8:22 pm

        No, don’t hate you, far from it. I feel terrible for you for everything that you’ve been through.

         
  2. Stafford_Lady

    January 20, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Hey there,
    This is how it works.. the body is a ‘don’t get killed machine’. When in danger from a physically stronger predator, it ‘submits’ or ‘freezes’. It’s not really a choice as such – it’s a hard-wired reaction to danger. And a HUGE cause of guilt for survivors of rape… ‘why didn’t I fight back?’. And because of the shame and lack of discussion about submitting, everyone carries around this guilt.
    Victims of rape are blameless, completely and utterly for what happens. The attacks are choices made by angry, controlling and sadistic men. Your body did the right thing, it kept you safe.
    I know you’re struggling, I know you’re having a shit time. You’re going through hell and you don’t deserve to.
    Just know that you are beautiful and you loved and understood by strangers. xxxx

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 20, 2013 at 8:29 pm

      Thanks so much for that, I really appreciate it x

       
  3. Fiona

    January 20, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Oh hunny. I feel so upset for you. Wish I could give you a hug! What happened wasn’t your fault. Xxx

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 20, 2013 at 8:52 pm

      Thanks for leaving a comment, I’m trying to see it as not being my fault but it’s a work in progress right now x

       
  4. Mike

    January 20, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    My only reaction is to admire you for writing so honestly.

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 20, 2013 at 9:12 pm

      Thankyou Mike – it means so much that people haven’t hated on me!!

       
  5. jane survivor (@janesurvivor)

    January 20, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    You’re incredibly brave and I hope that sharing this with people who understand will help you accept that you are not to blame, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you can survive. You did what you needed to to survive a vicious attack, just like those of us who have been victims of sexual assault. What you had to endure is more than any woman should have to experience. You’re strong. You’ve shown that by disclosing in this way. It’s a step that you should know is a huge stride towards your recovery. Love and hugs from me xxx

     
  6. damo1412

    January 21, 2013 at 8:57 am

    The key word here is “FORCED” you didn’t choose to do it so please don’t blame yourself, I bet everyone else on here would do the same in the circumstances.

    As Stafford_Lady said your basic instinct is to survive and you do whatever it takes to survive.

    Don’t beat yourself up over this instead be proud that you have been able to talk about it and in doing so you have taken the first step towards being able to deal with it and who knows by posting this you might just have helped someone else going through similar trauma.

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 21, 2013 at 9:04 am

      Thanks so much for your words – they mean a lot to me and I really appreciate them!!

       
  7. peekaywrites

    January 21, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Since I’ve “known” you online, your bravery has been inspirational and this post has made me admire you even more. I understand this was an incredibly difficult thing to say, and then to write. The progress you’re making is so wonderful to see and I look forward to seeing you make even more. Continue to be wonderful xxx

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 21, 2013 at 8:04 pm

      That is such a nice thing to say, thankyou so much!! I feel kind of liberated for getting it out of my head where is was doing more and more damage x

       
  8. purplepersuasion

    January 22, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Oh sweetheart, this was done TO YOU. You use the word “forced”. This means that you had NO control over the situation. Of course you feel powerless and disgusted, but you shouldn’t be the focus of that disgust. Hopefully in writing this post and reading people’s responses you can begin to see that you are not the source of digest for any of us. Those – quite frankly, I hesitate to use the word people – who took such pleasure in abusing you in so many different ways are the ones we feel disgusted with ((((((long hug)))))))

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 22, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      Thankyou – hug is really appreciated!! I honesty didn’t expect the reaction I’ve had. I thought I’d be having to fight off negative comments and noone Wouk really want to talk to me anymore. I’m so grateful for your comment – I can’t put in to words what it means x

       
  9. Ali (@amow121)

    January 22, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    You are so brave & are quick to offer support to others. I know it’s hard to get your head around the fact that it was not your fault. You will get there in time. Inspirational blog for many survivors. Best wishes & keep up the good work!

     
  10. Anonymous

    January 23, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I am so sorry about what has happened to you. No one deserves to have these things done to them. I have been following your blog for some time, and I work in the mental health field. I must say, your blog is very inspirational for others in similar situations. There are many reasons to hold back and not disclose things that happen, and you have been very courageous in sharing so that others can know they are not alone.

    I know it must have been very hard for you to make the decision to write the words in this post, and then decide to post it. I hope you have felt some relief since getting that out of your head and down on ‘paper’ for us to bear witness. You did not choose this act, you were forced to do unthinkable things under the circumstances of rape and abuse. And your body complied, to save itself from the other option; death. Our bodies are remarkable in this way, they will do what they need in order to survive, without us consciously thinking to make a decision. In no way are you to blame for what has happened to you. I hope you can work toward believing that, and know that others are there to support you in this journey. You have had much growth since beginning your blog, even if it doesn’t feel that way. It is visible to outsiders that you share with.

    Although it has been said before and I understand it is sometimes hard to believe, you ARE a very worthwhile person; worthy of respect and love. Thank you for your courage to share your story.

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 24, 2013 at 1:37 am

      I really appreciate your words and for taking the time to comment – it’s not been an easy few days since I wrote this, bringing something this big to the forefront of my mind is something I’m dealing with, but it has been helped by the great response and support I’ve received – so thanks x

       
  11. Carrie (@EscapingEntropy)

    January 29, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    I’m so sorry this happened to you but think you’re very brave for writing about it. Please remember, you had no choice, you were fighting for your life. It’s not your fault.

     
    • femaleptsd

      January 29, 2013 at 11:01 pm

      Thankyou so much! Think I need to try not giving myself such a hard time x

       
  12. Catherine Ann McArdle

    February 28, 2013 at 6:59 am

    I know it is difficult for you to tell people about your full sexual ordeal. Don’t you ver feel disgusted by what those evil, screwed up men did to you & what they forced you to do. They threatened you with your life! What happened was never your choice! They took away your freedom choose & replaced it with fear! Fear that they would continue to hurt you & fear that they would kill you. None of your real friends would ever abandon you for something that happened to you whilst you were being attacked, threatened & abused. I feel nothing but admiration for you that you are hear to tell your story & potentially help someone who is in the same situation. You are a real decent person!

     
  13. A

    June 8, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    I was looking online to try and find some help/comfort, and came across your blog (you’re right, there really is not much out there online) I don’t know you but my heart well and truly goes out to you. Can I ask you what your cc’s reaction was? I had an unpleasant experience in trying to talk this week, that’s why I ask. This must have been so incredibly difficult for you to write, and then post, which makes me think that you are a strong, courageous person who never deserved any of this that you have been through.

     
    • femaleptsd

      June 8, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      Hi there – thank you so much for getting in touch although I’m really sorry it’s under these circumstances!

      My cc was absolutely amazing. In the letter I said I needed a few weeks on my own but she insisted on coming round that week. She told me I had to know it hadn’t changed the way she sees me and I actually let her give me a hug. It was extremely emotional for me and I still sometimes struggle to look her in the eye because she now knows. However, she hasn’t changed the way she speaks to me or treats me. What happened with yours? If you’d prefer to email me just use the contact form – thinking of you x

       
  14. anonymous

    October 4, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    I admire your bravery and honesty. You didn’t ask for this to happen, and I don’t negative about you. Since I found your blog you inspired me so much that I started my own (I mentioned that on twitter to you) and I think even in your lowest moments you are strong for having gotten this far.

    My own trauma happened long ago but I didn’t deal with it at all really, I thought I did but looking back I can see that I just slowly allowed myself to deny it happened and forget about it bit by bit. Forgetting the acts didn’t make me the person that I would have been though so my journey of healing is just starting, triggered by my son being abused (not by me) and than him abusing my daughter, only than was I able to see how greatly I have been impacted. Now remembering what I had forgotten is like re-living it to an extent. At first I wasn’t going to write about what happened to me, only the writing exercises that are in my book my therapist has me reading, but knowing that you could disclose what happened to you and seeing the amount of people that have such kind words for you gave me the courage to write much more than I had ever thought I could share. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

     
    • femaleptsd

      October 9, 2013 at 3:20 pm

      Thankyou so much for writing this, it makes the pain of sometimes writing this blog worthwhile.

      I hope you can finally deal with things are be able to move on. Thinking of you x

       

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