It’s been about 3 weeks since I last posted and what a roller coaster of a time those 3 weeks have been. Initially, after telling my care co-ordinator, and posting about my disclosure on here, I felt a relief. I had so many genuinely lovely comments both on here, via email and on twitter that I thought I’d made the right decision.
There were a few people who unfollowed me on twitter and that was ok, I understood why they would do that. However, over the next week it began to become more ‘real’ and I’m not sure how else to explain it. I don’t know if it was because I’d told my cc and therefore it was out there, but the flashbacks started to become really intense – one so much that I ended up being physically sick.
I also started with this new thing where I felt like loads of snapshot images were flying in to my mind when I shut my eyes but they weren’t all viewable and then every now and then I’d make one of them out – not sure if I’m explaining it very well. It wasn’t like a flashback as I was still in the here and now. I’m not really sure what it is but it’s really affected my sleep and I’ve been unable to relax enough to get many hours.
Last week, my cc referred me to the home treatment team (used to be the crisis team) as she thought things were heading in a downwards spiral and I could do with the support. And I’m still under them at the minute. The only good thing about them is they have kept the same person dealing with me (at the request of my cc) and so I’ve not had to let lots of new people in but the couple of times she’s been round have been, in my eyes, pointless. It’s been the usual make a cup of tea and have a bath techniques that I’ve never used as distraction (I don’t like hot drinks and much prefer a shower!). But I’ve tried to let them in and help me as my cc is worried about me and I know and trust her enough to know that if she is, then I need help. Yesterday I got a call from my cc telling me there was a bed available in a respite place (someone hadn’t turned up) and did I want her to try and get it for me. Part of me wanted to say yes, I need that help but the bit of me that says ‘you’re worthless’ and ‘you don’t deserve anything’ won over and I said thanks for thinking of me but no.
The past couple of days have been hard. I have a gage of when things are good or bad and when I stop going on twitter (which I use as a distraction technique), I know they are bad. It feels like every time I dip down, I battle through to have maybe a week, or month of being ‘ok’ and then it hits again. It makes me think why bother battling? Will I ever be able to close my eyes and not see nasty things or is this it for me? Do I have to live with being dissociative when things get too much? Or will I ever see an inkling of the person I used to be?