Suicide Attempt – PTSD

23 Feb

On my last post I mentioned that I was being seen by the home treatment team (htt) but I wasn’t finding them much use. They weren’t being horrible or anything, just not particularly useful and I couldn’t really see the point in seeing them. But I did, and tried to be open as much as I could with them. One session with a different cpn  (community psychiatric nurse) left me feeling that I really didn’t have anywhere mentally to go. I felt like she just kept asking questions that made me see how bad my life had become from what it used to be and that I had such a long journey to go on and essentially left me feeling what the hell is the point? I spent a couple of days going backwards and forwards in my own head, asking myself questions about if I could see how/if things could change – I wasn’t coming up with many answers.

On Wednesday, I decided (rationally) that I’d had enough and wasn’t willing to go on this journey anymore. Part of me however knew that maybe there was a small section of me that still wanted to live and so I decided to call the home treatment team (as I kept being told to do) and see how I felt afterwards. It was 8.30pm (they are open until 9pm), but they share a number with a community mental health team that switch their phones off at 5pm. I left a message asking for a call back, and I waited! Nothing came. I ended up taking myself to a&e after taking an overdose – I’ve no idea how that small part of me overcame the rest in order to get help but it was obviously stronger than I thought.

I arrived at hospital and sat down expecting a long wait but when I saw the triage nurse, he took me straight through to the majors unit and gave me a cup of charcoal to start drinking. I’ve never had it before and never want to again – it was disgusting, gritty and just yuck!! I was starting to drift off to sleep and the next bits are really a blur, but I remember having bloods taken and a drip put in, an ecg and blood pressure etc taken a few times. I also vaguely remember a registrar being called and some things happening but was too out of it to know what.

I was admitted and sent to an escalation ward for a bed and again had obs done a few times and still had an iv drip in. I was due to see my cc at home on thursday morning and when I didn’t answer, she left me a message to see if I was ok. I called her back and she already knew I was in hospital and told me that she wanted to be in my psych assessment that they would ask for and she’d see me later.

I saw a medical doctor (with 3 juniors) and got passed as medically fit and they would arrange the assessment with psych. I also had a nice lecture from her about the dangerous-ness of overdoses – well yeah, I kind of wanted that to be the point!! I’m over medical dr’s being able to understand mental health as I’ve yet to see any real evidence of it. The same with the nurse on the ward I was on. There was 11 patients and 2 nurses and 1 auxiliary. Apart from the auxiliary asking me if I wanted a drink, I didn’t get any communication from the nurses – every other bed did – maybe they thought I wanted to be left alone but ah well.

My cc arrived and took me in to a private room where another woman was waiting from access and liaison services and luckily my cc took the lead. She asked to explain why we were there and I told her I’d had enough and that I’d tried to call the crisis team but I didn’t get a reply and I’d spent a couple of days thinking everything over. We spoke about the fact I just wanted to go home and sleep and I had to promise I would carry on with the home treatment team if I was to be discharged. I agreed and was left to go on my way.

I then saw my cc yesterday, she wanted to check how I was and she explained that her and my psychiatrist were going with a high risk management plan with me and if she wasn’t involved in my assessment at the hospital the day before, it was likely I would have been admitted. I’m extremely glad and grateful to them for that, as I know hospital is not an option for me!

So what now? The feelings don’t just go away – it’s not like one day I am suicidal and the next, after some charcoal and fluids I’m fixed. I still don’t know how to cope with what’s going through my mind all the time. The flashbacks, the anxiety, the tiredness – I’m just feeling so weary of it all and whilst I am giving things a go with my cc and htt, I can’t promise what the future holds.


Posted by on February 23, 2013 in Uncategorized


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14 responses to “Suicide Attempt – PTSD

  1. Samantha Jane

    February 23, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    ((hugs)) at least you have something more comprehensive (at least it seems so) than here… and you reached out. I’m glad you did. I’m glad that that little part fought to survive…

    • femaleptsd

      February 23, 2013 at 8:12 pm

      Thanks so much – I’m yet to know if I think the same way but thankyou x

  2. Walking The Black Dog

    February 24, 2013 at 10:01 am

    It’s interesting to hear how little has changed. I took a near fatal overdose in 1987. I have less recollection of arriving at hospital as I was almost completely out of it by then. I was driven to hospital by a friend who had realised there was something wrong. Without that I would have died. I got the same lecture about the danger of drug overdoses the next day. I think I said something along the lines of “Oh really, if only I’d known I could have made a proper fucking job of it!”. I was also totally ignored by the nurses on the ward. When they had to deal with me, for instance when I was being discharged, their attitude was positively hostile.
    Really hoped things might have got better by now.

    • femaleptsd

      February 24, 2013 at 10:07 am

      Think we are seen as a waste of their time (ie we’ve done it to ourselves) – that’s how it feels anyway.

  3. Peekay

    February 24, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Your bravery continues to inspire me. The little fighting part you have just refuses to give up and that’s a wonderful thing.

    I’m sorry that the staff at the hospital don’t seem to have had MH training. That’s a real problem and I don’t see much being done about it 😦

    Keep talking, keep blogging, and keep fighting brave lady xx

    • femaleptsd

      February 24, 2013 at 10:15 am

      Thanks so much – although feel anything but brave at the moment x

  4. Lucy

    February 24, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    I don’t have many words at the moment but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Gentle hugs xxx

    • femaleptsd

      February 24, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Thankyou so much – please take care of yourself too x

  5. Catherine Ann McArdle

    February 28, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Well all I can say is ditto. Ive been through that process that goes round in an endless circle! Doctors, CPN’s, CC’s,HTT & Crisis Team. Do be honest I never found there was any urgency with the Crisis Team which did lead me to wonder what their defenition of Crisis was?? At times when I was clearly not capabale of taking reposibility for my medication & that was ANY medication of whatever effects, they were quite happy to sit back & wait for a phone call saying I was either dead or that I’d seriously damaged my body, which years later I now know I have yet still do the desructive behavior I always have done! I guess its all a big ‘Please help me!’ thing. Although my family has diagnosed history of Mental Health Issues, the doctors never wanted to put any label of Mental Health Disorder on me. Its quite obvious I have PTSD as I have all the signs & symptoms. One of the most apparent sign is that my mind has blocked out almost most of my childhood as it is littered with a abuse. But, that very sign & sympton is why they don’t agree I have any Mental Health Disorder or Issue. Rather, my life is littered with abuse, so therefore I must have physiological problems, emotional difficulties & emotional issues! So their litlle way of getting me out of their circle & I feel using these problems as a scape-goat, means I don’t take up their time & they have no responsibility of me or admitting me to hospital. Basically, Im not a problem to the services I named above, the same ones you are involved in. But, I do for your sake & well-being, hope that they do some problem solving & really address your PTSD which I believe is your brick wall. For me, as the Mental Health Service in our region has decided I have physiological problems, emotional issues & emotional difficulties, I am led down another road. I don’t know if you have this service in your area, but we have a service called the theraputic community & is also known as complex needs. It is total utter rubbish! You grouped with about 30 other people who have been given the same diagnosis of phsiological problems & emotional issues in a getting ready group. Its just a wide variety of people who these doctors can’t find a ‘place’ for in their diagnosis book. Well, basically you are all biding & carrying out tasks required to actually get into the theraputic community. It takes some people years to actually get into the the threaputic community which is even larger. Im sorry but I don’t have years to dedicate my life to a getting ready group that only gathers for 2 hours a week & then after that you have to dedicate 4 full days a week for 3 years when you actually get into the getting ready group. Also, I know one persons pain is not greater than anothers but, seriously I just didn’t fit in with the what seemed trivial problems the others were experiences so Ive used self help & Im getting there xxx

    • femaleptsd

      February 28, 2013 at 11:01 pm

      I’ve never heard of the therapeutic community before, but doesn’t sound great. I’m glad you are making it through in your own way though x

  6. Erich

    September 22, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    As a PTSD/MST survivor I have haunting thoughts of hurting myself. I feel at times that the care team I have don’t really understand. I have a mental health nurse that I see monthly and honestly if it wasn’t for her I don’t think I would be here. I do feel that text book know how doesn’t guite get the full impact of the worthless-ness that I feel. I have been diagnosed with PTSD/MST IBS SLEEP APNEA and its a lot to deal with. I want a normal life where I feel free of my thoughts. Stigma is a major concern in my life. This happened to me when I was in my early 20s and oh how I suffered over the years (Im now 50) and I am 70% rated. The daily ups and downs and the meds seem to make me feel like Im dependent on pills to survive. Am I the only one who feels this way? Im afraid to ask my care team. I know Im not the only one but honestly I want to know if other PTSD/MST survivors feel the same way that I do.

    • femaleptsd

      October 9, 2013 at 3:16 pm

      Hi, I’m so sorry you feel this way. I’m still quite early on in my journey so maybe not the one to answer this but if anyone else could that’d be great x

  7. Erich

    September 22, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Often times I refer to myself while be questioned during a therapy session that I feel like a toy soldier on a shelf standing tall amongst the others and I never get picked off the shelf because I feel like im broke. I know strange analogy but that sums it up well if you can understand that.

    • femaleptsd

      October 9, 2013 at 3:17 pm

      Yes, I can totally understand. Sorry you feel that way though and hope therapy can help in some way x


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