On Thursday I met with my care coordinator (cc) to begin a program of graded exposure. This basically means that in order to build up my confidence in going out in public in the day, we were going to start doing exactly that.
My cc thought that I had too many psychological blocks on going out near me and so we decided to meet in a local park’s car park when we thought it would be relatively quiet. The plan was to see how I was and maybe go for a walk around the park.
It didn’t quite go to plan. By the time Thursday came along I’d turned myself into a nervous wreck. I hadn’t slept at all the previous night and felt close to calling the whole thing off, but I didn’t. I met with her and we essentially spent 45 mins stood next to my car as I was too on edge to move any further. I spent the whole time looking around and making sure I knew where everything was, and if any people (thankfully few) came along, I followed their every move to make sure I was ok.
By the time I got home I was drained, both mentally and physically and wanted nothing more than to sleep, but the adrenalin had kicked in and that was the last thing my body allowed me to do. I was positive though, it was a step forward, a very small one, but in the right direction and my cc had been pleased with me for the amount of time we managed.
That night I thought I’d sleep, but again it felt like my body was on high alert and wouldn’t let me relax enough to close my eyes. I could kind of understand this, but I didn’t expect it to last as long as it did. In the night I had a huge wobble. I cried, a lot! I wondered if this was it, was this all I was going to be capable of? Standing by my car for 45 mins and then spending the next 24 hours recovering from it!
On Friday I decided I needed to be kind to myself. In my old life getting so worked up over something so tiny would have been pathetic, but this isn’t my old life and what I did wasn’t tiny. So I spent the day watching tv and snuggled under my duvet (not in bed though!).
And then today hit. In PTSD, anger is one of the symptoms and I’ve seen flashes of that in me and I really don’t like it. However, it’s one of the things I do keep in check for the majority of the time. But today, I’ve got this deep down, in the stomach, kind of burning anger. I can’t really describe it better than that. I’ve kept away from people on purpose as I know I’d lose it at the tiniest of things. As the day has gone on, I’ve tried all my known strategies and yet still I feel very much on the edge – this is something new!
And so it begs the question; why have all these emotions come to the fore? Is it because I’m trying to move forward and this is bound to happen? Am I finally feeling anger because of what I went through or is it anger at not being the ‘old’ me and not being able to do the simplest of tasks? I’m not too sure at the moment but I don’t like this side of me one bit!