You may, or may not, have noticed that I deleted my last post. The one that said PTSD has won and I give up. I’ll explain the reason I’ve deleted it in a minute, but the content is still relevant. I do feel very low, I do feel that the PTSD has won, that I will always have it hanging around my neck and that I don’t know what purpose I have in this world right now.
BUT what that doesn’t mean is that I am going to kill myself or that I am using this blog as a platform to announce that! I have NEVER and never will put something like that out if I was planning something. Go back over my past attempts, I’ve never told anyone through this of any specific time or plan before I’ve done it. I’ve told my care co-ordinator and psychiatrist of deadlines I’ve given myself and that’s the times I’ve ended up in hospital and in hindsight I’ve told them because I’ve needed the help.
I’ve a very honest relationship with my cc and if I’ve wanted help, I’ve managed to, in someway, ask for it. Whether that’s going to a&e, calling out of hours, a duty worker or my care coordinator.
I used this blog as a place I could write my true emotions, things I’ve not always felt able to share in the short term with any of my support team. I’ll admit, it’s been an emotional crutch for me and it’s even on my list of distractions – write a blog about how I’m feeling. It was extremely important to me.
Now, back to Saturday after I wrote the last post (that’s been deleted). I wrote it at 4.30am after yet another sleepless night due to me being terrified of dropping off in case I have a nightmare. As I’ve already stated, it feels like the PTSD has won and that’s exactly what I wrote as well as what I feel it’s taken from my life – my relationships, my business and my freedom. I was/am down about it all and I’m grateful for the many people on twitter who seemed to care about me enough to get in touch and ask if I was ok. I didn’t disappear offline, I didn’t ignore those asking me how I was. In fact I was online all morning, again trying to distract myself and I was talking to many people.
Imagine my surprise then when I got a knock at my door to find two police officers standing there. My first initial thought was something had happened to a loved one. They asked to come in and if I knew what this was about. I said I didn’t have a clue and then one of them asked if I wrote a blog.
I was dismayed, someone had called the police based on one post and with no attempt to speak to me? Yes, I get it, I should be glad that someone cared enough about me to go to that trouble. But surely, it would have made more sense to speak to me directly as others had done? I am always around, via twitter, DM, email and comments on this blog. As already mentioned, it wasn’t like I wrote that PTSD had won and then disappeared. In all honesty, I felt betrayed. If someone knew my rough location, it meant that they know me quite well as it’s something I keep very quiet. I also give my nearest town as my location, as it’s more well known than where I actually live. So it’s apparent to me it’s someone I supposedly trusted as it was that same location they gave the police. As it turns out, I live on the border of two different counties, with the town I mention being in the one I don’t live in. So the police that attended were actually out of area which is why I know it was someone I’ve trusted.
There were two police officers, a female and a male. The female was lovely. She had read my blog and knew a lot about me. This made me feel extremely vulnerable. I’d only ever been able to tell my cc some of the things I’d written because of the shame and guilt and so to have someone I didn’t know or trust, in front of me knowing my innermost thoughts was horrible. The male pc wasn’t very nice. I felt like I was being interrogated, like I’d done something wrong. I was tearful throughout, as I had been anyway, and his style wasn’t helping. They left once they understood my meaning behind the post and whilst they didn’t ask me to remove it, I did anyway.
As I’ve already said, I felt betrayed and in all honesty angry. Like I said, I understand someone must have cared and thought they were doing the right thing for me at the time and for that I should feel grateful – but I just can’t.
So what now?
I write this blog not just for my benefit, but as a place where others can read what this journey is like. I get at least one email a week where someone tells me how grateful they are for it as well as others telling me, as the first person they’ve ever told, about their own traumas. That it has given them the courage to ask for help.
In all honesty, this blog is sometimes incredibly difficult for me to write. It can be very raw and at times when I’ve not wanted to carry on with it, I have – purely because of those emails.
But now, I’m not so sure. I feel like I have to edit my feelings and that was never the point of this. And so this could be my last post, I’ve yet to make my mind up. But I didn’t realise someone who I’ve never met could have the ability to hurt and betray me so much. As always, I’m just being honest!! Let me re-iterate though, I would NEVER put it in the public domain that I was going to kill myself!
**update** The person who called the police has emailed me and explained their thinking. I feel better knowing who it was and the intention behind it so I’d like to put it behind me now and try and move on. Thanks for everyone’s support through this x