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The Police

06 May

You may, or may not, have noticed that I deleted my last post. The one that said PTSD has won and I give up. I’ll explain the reason I’ve deleted it in a minute, but the content is still relevant. I do feel very low, I do feel that the PTSD has won, that I will always have it hanging around my neck and that I don’t know what purpose I have in this world right now.

BUT what that doesn’t mean is that I am going to kill myself or that I am using this blog as a platform to announce that! I have NEVER and never will put something like that out if I was planning something. Go back over my past attempts, I’ve never told anyone through this of any specific time or plan before I’ve done it. I’ve told my care co-ordinator and psychiatrist of deadlines I’ve given myself and that’s the times I’ve ended up in hospital and in hindsight I’ve told them because I’ve needed the help.

I’ve a very honest relationship with my cc and if I’ve wanted help, I’ve managed to, in someway, ask for it. Whether that’s going to a&e, calling out of hours, a duty worker or my care coordinator.

I used this blog as a place I could write my true emotions, things I’ve not always felt able to share in the short term with any of my support team. I’ll admit, it’s been an emotional crutch for me and it’s even on my list of distractions – write a blog about how I’m feeling. It was extremely important to me.

Now, back to Saturday after I wrote the last post (that’s been deleted). I wrote it at 4.30am after yet another sleepless night due to me being terrified of dropping off in case I have a nightmare. As I’ve already stated, it feels like the PTSD has won and that’s exactly what I wrote as well as what I feel it’s taken from my life – my relationships, my business and my freedom. I was/am down about it all and I’m grateful for the many people on twitter who seemed to care about me enough to get in touch and ask if I was ok. I didn’t disappear offline, I didn’t ignore those asking me how I was. In fact I was online all morning, again trying to distract myself and I was talking to many people.

Imagine my surprise then when I got a knock at my door to find two police officers standing there. My first initial thought was something had happened to a loved one. They asked to come in and if I knew what this was about. I said I didn’t have a clue and then one of them asked if I wrote a blog.

I was dismayed, someone had called the police based on one post and with no attempt to speak to me? Yes, I get it, I should be glad that someone cared enough about me to go to that trouble. But surely, it would have made more sense to speak to me directly as others had done? I am always around, via twitter, DM, email and comments on this blog. As already mentioned, it wasn’t like I wrote that PTSD had won and then disappeared. In all honesty, I felt betrayed. If someone knew my rough location, it meant that they know me quite well as it’s something I keep very quiet. I also give my nearest town as my location, as it’s more well known than where I actually live. So it’s apparent to me it’s someone I supposedly trusted as it was that same location they gave the police. As it turns out, I live on the border of two different counties, with the town I mention being in the one I don’t live in. So the police that attended were actually out of area which is why I know it was someone I’ve trusted.

There were two police officers, a female and a male. The female was lovely. She had read my blog and knew a lot about me. This made me feel extremely vulnerable. I’d only ever been able to tell my cc some of the things I’d written because of the shame and guilt and so to have someone I didn’t know or trust, in front of me knowing my innermost thoughts was horrible. The male pc wasn’t very nice. I felt like I was being interrogated, like I’d done something wrong. I was tearful throughout, as I had been anyway, and his style wasn’t helping. They left once they understood my meaning behind the post and whilst they didn’t ask me to remove it, I did anyway.

As I’ve already said, I felt betrayed and in all honesty angry. Like I said, I understand someone must have cared and thought they were doing the right thing for me at the time and for that I should feel grateful – but I just can’t.

So what now?

I write this blog not just for my benefit, but as a place where others can read what this journey is like. I get at least one email a week where someone tells me how grateful they are for it as well as others telling me, as the first person they’ve ever told, about their own traumas. That it has given them the courage to ask for help.

In all honesty, this blog is sometimes incredibly difficult for me to write. It can be very raw and at times when I’ve not wanted to carry on with it, I have – purely because of those emails.

But now, I’m not so sure. I feel like I have to edit my feelings and that was never the point of this. And so this could be my last post, I’ve yet to make my mind up. But I didn’t realise someone who I’ve never met could have the ability to hurt and betray me so much. As always, I’m just being honest!! Let me re-iterate though, I would NEVER put it in the public domain that I was going to kill myself!

**update** The person who called the police has emailed me and explained their thinking. I feel better knowing who it was and the intention behind it so I’d like to put it behind me now and try and move on. Thanks for everyone’s support through this x

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9 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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9 responses to “The Police

  1. Gill

    May 6, 2013 at 6:47 am

    Please don’t stop. I know how you feel about editing feelings….I once posted the theme tune to MASH (“Suicide is Painless”) on my Facebook wall when I was low. And the same thing happened to me – a knock at the door from the police. They did tell me who called them – and I was able to have a discussion with her.
    Like you, I said that I would never ‘announce” a serious attempt in advance. I would just do it. And she understands that now.
    Is there any way that you can track this person down who betrayed you? And explain to them the reality of your feelings. Although, hopefully they will read this and it may teach them not to react in that way again.
    It’s awful to think that you can’t post with honesty – that is what is so refreshing about your blog.
    xx

     
    • femaleptsd

      May 6, 2013 at 6:50 am

      Thanks for that. I didn’t ask the police as I hoped whoever it was would contact me privately, but I might contact them to ask who it was.

      It’s really not a nice thing to happen is it 😦 x

       
  2. Gill

    May 6, 2013 at 8:24 am

    No – it isn’t nice. It felt like a betrayal and she did some serious grovelling when I confronted her! It also resulted in me being placed on the Vulnerable Adults register by the police….at first that worried me, but they haven’t been checking up on me since. So I’m not sure what the implication is of that.
    But if this person doesn’t have the decency to contact you directly and explain why they did what they did without contacting you direct, then I would phone the police and ask for more information
    xxx

     
  3. Leslie's Illusions

    May 6, 2013 at 9:44 am

    This is my first time visiting your blog (found you through wordpress). Wow, don’t blame you for being upset. I also blog about PTSD, and I use my actual name. I am terribly afraid of police officers (it’s related to the PTSD, I’m afraid of authority figures because of childhood abuse).

    I can’t imagine what I would do if the police came to my door because of something I wrote on my blog. I am so sorry that happened to you. And the feeling of betrayal…I can hardly think about that because it is just too painful.

    I don’t know what else to say except I am really sorry that happened. I agree that person should have spoken to you directly. Sheesh!

     
    • femaleptsd

      May 6, 2013 at 9:46 am

      Thanks for visiting my blog 🙂 yeah, Saturday was a tough day – I spent most of it extremely triggered after the police being here. I’m the same as you, I have issues with them from childhood x

       
    • Cassie Watson

      May 6, 2013 at 3:23 pm

      AS IF WEDO NOT CARRY ENOUGH FEAR AS IT IS, I DO NOT WRITE MY TRUE FEELINGS BECAUSE OF THAT EXACT REASON THE FEAR OF BEING LOCKED UP WHEN I AM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF BEING ON LOCKED DOWN. EVERYDAY IS A CHALLENGE TO KEEP
      MYSELF TOGETHER IN A BALANCE STATE. BETRAYAL COMES IN MANY FORMS AS FOR ME SO MANY HAVE BETRAYED MY SENSE OF WELL BEING I FIND REFUGE IN MY HOME
      THE ONLY PLACE I FEEL SAFE. I FOUND THIS SITE IN ORDER TO FIND OUT HOW OTHERS DEAL WITH GORAPHOBIA, ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS. I THOUGHT ABOUT BLOGGING
      HOWEVER I HAVE NOT TRIED IT YET I JUST WANTED TO CONNECT WITH OTHERS, I KNOW YOU FEEL HURT CAN YOU FIND OUT WHO IS THE CULPRIT AND TELL THEM
      YOU EXPECTED BETTER AND ITS UNACCEPTABLE????

       
      • femaleptsd

        May 6, 2013 at 4:16 pm

        Hi thanks for your comment. I’ve put the whole thing behind me now as I’ve spoken to the person and whether it was right or wrong, their intentions were well intended.

        I would recommend blogging, it is a good place to get thoughts and feelings out. x

         
  4. Ali (@amow121)

    May 6, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Your honesty is refreshing. Anyone that would report it to the old bill is someone who doesn’t understand us. Breach of confidendence, betrayal etc and a plain fucking eejit. Part of my PTSD is because of the Police and how they react to ordinary folk. I can’t say anymore until my Son is 18. Stay strong Xx

     
  5. Pam Smith

    May 8, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I’m glad now know why someone contacted the police and you’ve been able to put the episode behind you.

    I think we have all heard the stories – told very disapprovingly by the news media – about how people said they were suicidal on facebook etc, and no-one ‘did anything’ and they did self harm. Whether that is a true reflection of reality or not, I can understand someone feeling that they didn’t want to be that person who ‘could have helped’ but didn’t. I’m sure they probably didn’t think it through as far as what it would be like for you answering the door to the police.

    I did see your blog – and it did worry me – but in the end I realised that you do have access to a lot of help, and you do know how to use it, and that you would not use your blog to ask for crisis intervention. So then I read it again and realised that you were simply expressing the exhaustion of the struggle you are engaged in, which I can fully understand.

     

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