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Triggered

07 May

**TRIGGER WARNING – PLEASE ONLY READ IF IN A SAFE PLACE YOURSELF**

I wanted to write a post that’s a bit different from my other ones in that it’s about a couple of things from my childhood. I never normally mention these things as I feel they are boxed away and therefore not really up for discussion. I’m not sure if I will keep this post for long as ultimately it can identify me to anyone who might know me in real life.

The police coming round on Saturday (see previous post) has left me feeling extremely triggered. There are three reasons for this:

1) One of my earliest memories is when our next door neighbour was murdered and there was a lot of police around as my dad was the person that found him. This was just a bad memory but still one I struggle with regarding safety.

2) Not long after that my mum had amazing courage to leave my dad. He was extremely violent and adulterous and when he left us at home whilst he went on holiday with another woman, she left. This next memory is not long after we’d moved out (I was 5 or 6) and he came round angry and shouting. My mum locked us in the front room with her but he broke the doors down to get in. I remember the police arriving and telling me and my brother to go to the local park for a while. For obvious reasons, this memory is pretty distressing!

3) the third reason is when I was bit older (7 or 8) I slid down a pole at school that we were forbidden to go near. It made me bleed and when my mum saw the blood in my underwear and asked about it, I didn’t want to get in to trouble for going near the pole and so I said I didn’t know. After being taken to the doctors, the police were called as there were obvious abrasions. I had to have an examination by a police doctor and remember it all being very clinical and a lot of people being involved. I don’t remember at which point I told the truth but I do know they questioned the immediate males who had access to me.

The thing is, I was being abused at that time but he’d only ever made me touch him. But after this, he said no one would ever believe me now and he did more. I’ve got so much guilt around that whole thing. If I’d never lied about that pole, would he have ever done the things to me? Did I therefore bring it on myself?

Anyway, this is why I’ve been so triggered and struggled since seeing the police at my door. These are things I’ve buried, but are now on the surface and I don’t know what to do with them. I’m desperately trying to package them back in to that box and hide them away!

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4 Comments

Posted by on May 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

4 responses to “Triggered

  1. peekaywrites

    May 7, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    I think, again, you’ve been really brave writing this.

    The thing that’s come to me is that you can’t blame a 7 year old girl for lying about something she was told not to do. Disassociate yourself from the story and think of it as a random 7 year old and then you will find it easier to forgive her/yourself.

    It’s so hard to remove yourself from previous associations with something isn’t it? I’m triggered by random things, certain songs for example, or even seeing certain toys I used to have. I think it would take a lot of work to remove these association and to be honest I’ve never bothered to try as they aren’t too difficult to avoid in everyday life. I don’t know what to suggest about the police but talking about it and recognising it are the first steps so well done.

    Your courage never ceases to amaze me, and I think you are really inspirational.

     
    • femaleptsd

      May 7, 2013 at 4:14 pm

      Thank you so much! I’ve tried to be logical about it and know a 7 yr old can never be responsible – I think it’s how I’ve managed to box it away. But then something happens that makes me question myself again and I feel like I’m back at square one with it all x

       
  2. Pam Smith

    May 7, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    Your story reminds me of one my husband tells – at a similar age, he slid down the bannisters and banged himself very hard in the testicles, resulting in them swelling up enormously leading to him being admitted to hospital.

    Through all the tests and medical investigations he adamantly refused to tell anyone he knew what had made them swell up, because he was forbidden from sliding down the bannister and avoiding being told off is pretty important to a small child.

    What happened has nothing to do with your actions and decisions as a 7 year old child, all it shows is the manipulative nature of the person who was abusing you. Abusers will always find some way of convincing a child that they will not be believed, if that hadn’t happened it would have been something else that was used.

     
    • femaleptsd

      May 7, 2013 at 7:37 pm

      Thanks Pam – that means a lot to me x

       

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