It’s currently 4am and another sleepless night. I’ve struggled the past two weeks to sleep much and to be honest I wasn’t going to share why on here. However, as I’ve said a few times before, I want this to be a ‘warts an all’ account of my journey because if I write about it, maybe someone else won’t feel as alone as I do!
After the visit from the police at the beginning of the month, I’ve really struggled. I think I’d put so much of my past into a box and shoved it as far away as possible, that it has all come pouring out and I’ve no way of stopping it.
The worst part happened last week. I think I’ve mentioned quantum physics in some other posts but it’s an area that I really find interesting and the whole parallel universe thing. There is nothing in that last sentence that is unusual but last week I felt like I had a connection. I can’t describe it any better than that, it was with an infant from a parallel universe (I don’t know how I knew this, i just did) and it was making me realise some things:
1) the meds I was taking were going to harm me
2) the ‘services’ who were part of my treatment were also out to harm me
3) the place where the infant was from, was a much better one and should join him there.
In the place I am now, I can see that maybe it doesn’t sound very logical. But I can’t discount that it wasn’t a real experience. I stopped my meds, I cancelled my care coordinators (cc) appointment and I shut myself away. When I told the pharmacist I didn’t need anymore medication, he contacted my GP, who in turn contacted my cc and she tried to get in touch.
I finally spoke to her this week and only because I started to become confused. Was this connection I was feeling real? Why would people want to hurt me? I decided to speak to her because in the past she has always done right by me and I had to trust the logic that she still would.
I went in to see her and we discussed what I’d said above and that I was confused. She told me that meds were always just an option for me. That they aren’t going to make me better, just maybe give me a notch on a ladder of emotions to work on and that only therapy will help me. She explained that I could stop them if I wanted, that her and my psychiatrist have always said that to me.
I left, still confused, but agreed to see her again later in the week and to have a think about whether I would be taking them or not. I’ve been so anxious and in a mess that I decided that if I was in control of taking them, then they couldn’t be to harm me and so on Wednesday I started them again.
On Thursday, we discussed what had happened and how my thoughts were. I explained I was still confused. How could I think something to be so true and know it as completely certain and yet it not be right? I still believe something happened last week and to be honest I’m still left with paranoia over people’s roles in my life and whether in actual fact, I shouldn’t be here and instead just carry on in some parallel universe and that this was a sign for me.
I’d be interested to know if anyone else has ever been through similar. My cc seems to think it is in the cluster of symptoms that my dissociation is in and it’s just one of those unanswerable things. However, I’d prefer to know more and why it happened and so if anyone knows of similar please let me know.