Last Tuesday saw my first assessment session with my new therapist. The idea behind these 4 sessions is to see if they think CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) and art therapy is for me and if I think I can get something out of it.
I was incredibly nervous, when I first went in to my local psychological services, I was assessed by a man who really creeped me out and I was terrified it would be the same guy. I knew if it was, there was no chance I’d be able to go in to therapy with him and so my relief was overwhelming when it wasn’t. The new therapist was really nice, really chilled out and laid back but totally honest which was perfect for me. I could really see me building a relationship with him which was a real positive.
During the first session we discussed my fear of not being able to contain my emotions during therapy and the fact during my last therapy, I ended up in hospital twice. This scares me! We discussed the fact that the perceived benefit has to far outweigh the risks to make it worthwhile and he mentioned I could expect a 10-20% improvement. This shocked me, I don’t know why but I expected a much higher % – am I only ever going to be 20% better?
We then spoke about the fact I really didn’t want to go over my childhood issues again as I felt I did this last time and that it tipped me over the edge. With my last therapist, we did a timeline of my life and I suggested we look at that and he asks questions based on that, but it means I didn’t have to say it all again. He was a bit concerned because CAT therapy looks at childhood as the foundations of our patterns that we follow through to adulthood. He suggested I go away and discuss things with my cc to see of this is the right thing for me.
After a lot of thought and discussion with others I decided that I needed to just bite the bullet and do whatever I needed to in order to get better.
I arrived to this weeks assessment and he had been through my file and found the timeline but also found a chart that we did at the end of the last therapy sessions. He said that essentially, what we did was CAT and therefore he wasn’t sure if there was anything left to do in that respect as I had already done it.
To be honest it felt like a kick in the stomach. I have been waiting for 7 months for this and over this time, I’ve been reminded multiple times by my cc and psychiatrist that it’s this therapy that will help me the most. So if I’ve already had it, why do I feel this way still? Does that mean there’s no hope for me? Is this my life forever?
Next week we are looking to see if the art therapy will help but he said that he uses it in conjunction with CAT to come up with the emotional states, but we already have in the chart I have. I guess I’ll have to wait and see but I’ll admit to feeling very low about this and where the future is going.