A pre-warning that this is going to be a total rant and might trigger some so please be careful.
Today I had my last therapy assessment session. The whole point of the past 4 sessions has been for this new therapist to assess what he thinks about the usefulness of cat therapy and art therapy. Throughout the whole process he has asked me what I think will help and I’ve told him I don’t know, that I’m putting my faith in the professionals.
But today, I wish I hadn’t! I arrived and he said we were going to discuss his recommendation and that he didn’t think I would benefit from 1-1 therapy. He told me about a group called ‘democratic therapeutic community’. It’s a one day per week group that, as the name suggests, is run democratically by service users. His logic behind this is because I’m caring he thinks I’d gain a lot from helping others. I told him that it’s taken me a long time to realise that although I do enjoy helping others, I need to look after myself first and deal with my issues.
I’ve only just got home and to honest I am absolutely furious. I can understand how the group environment would be useful later on but right at this minute, absolutely not. I wouldn’t for a second think I have the knowledge or training to help others except in a peer level and with respect to them, I feel I need someone who is qualified to help me.
Not once, has anyone asked if I’ve ever wanted to talk about what has happened to me. It seems modern day therapy shy away from discussing the actual trauma and to be honest, I just need to get it out. It’s eating away at me, the things I’ve seen, been made to do etc.
The therapist asked me what I thought of it and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. That my issues are rooted in the fact I struggle with flashbacks and therefore sleeping which in turn affects my mood etc and I need help with those things, not emotional regulation.
I’ve read the information booklet he gave me and it says it’s a successful treatment program for people diagnosed with personality disorders. And here is my issue yet again, I do not believe I have one!! As shown in an earlier post, I think complex PTSD is my diagnosis and yet here they are seemingly treating me for something I don’t have – this was my point initially that as soon as you have that label then that’s all they concentrate on. I’ll put it simply – my mental health is suffering because I was brutally raped, I saw someone die, I had a gun pointed at my head and the trigger pulled (learning only at that point it wasn’t loaded), I was made to be sexual with a dog and they are just the tip of the iceberg. How the hell can they come to the conclusion that I don’t need a qualified therapist to help me???
I’ll be honest, I’m devastated. I’ve been led to believe, from the beginning, that therapy was the thing that would help me. I feel I’ve invested everything they’ve asked of me in to the process and then to be told ‘well actually we believe peer support is what you need’ is basically a pile of bullshit!!