I’m so Angry!!

23 Jul

A pre-warning that this is going to be a total rant and might trigger some so please be careful.

Today I had my last therapy assessment session. The whole point of the past 4 sessions has been for this new therapist to assess what he thinks about the usefulness of cat therapy and art therapy. Throughout the whole process he has asked me what I think will help and I’ve told him I don’t know, that I’m putting my faith in the professionals.

But today, I wish I hadn’t! I arrived and he said we were going to discuss his recommendation and that he didn’t think I would benefit from 1-1 therapy. He told me about a group called ‘democratic therapeutic community’. It’s a one day per week group that, as the name suggests, is run democratically by service users. His logic behind this is because I’m caring he thinks I’d gain a lot from helping others. I told him that it’s taken me a long time to realise that although I do enjoy helping others, I need to look after myself first and deal with my issues.

I’ve only just got home and to honest I am absolutely furious. I can understand how the group environment would be useful later on but right at this minute, absolutely not. I wouldn’t for a second think I have the knowledge or training to help others except in a peer level and with respect to them, I feel I need someone who is qualified to help me.

Not once, has anyone asked if I’ve ever wanted to talk about what has happened to me. It seems modern day therapy shy away from discussing the actual trauma and to be honest, I just need to get it out. It’s eating away at me, the things I’ve seen, been made to do etc.

The therapist asked me what I thought of it and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. That my issues are rooted in the fact I struggle with flashbacks and therefore sleeping which in turn affects my mood etc and I need help with those things, not emotional regulation.

I’ve read the information booklet he gave me and it says it’s a successful treatment program for people diagnosed with personality disorders. And here is my issue yet again, I do not believe I have one!! As shown in an earlier post, I think complex PTSD is my diagnosis and yet here they are seemingly treating me for something I don’t have – this was my point initially that as soon as you have that label then that’s all they concentrate on. I’ll put it simply – my mental health is suffering because I was brutally raped, I saw someone die, I had a gun pointed at my head and the trigger pulled (learning only at that point it wasn’t loaded), I was made to be sexual with a dog and they are just the tip of the iceberg. How the hell can they come to the conclusion that I don’t need a qualified therapist to help me???

I’ll be honest, I’m devastated. I’ve been led to believe, from the beginning, that therapy was the thing that would help me. I feel I’ve invested everything they’ve asked of me in to the process and then to be told ‘well actually we believe peer support is what you need’ is basically a pile of bullshit!!


Posted by on July 23, 2013 in Uncategorized


Tags: , ,

27 responses to “I’m so Angry!!

  1. justgetthrough

    July 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I’m really sorry to hear this 😦

  2. Bri King (@scarlettheartt)

    July 23, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I totally agree that you need to look after yourself before you think about looking after others (in that capacity). As a therapist myself I cannot understand where this guy is coming from. It doesn’t sound like he has listened to you at all. Which obviously doesn’t bode well when he is meant to be a therapist and the key to being a good therapist is the ability to be an active listener.

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 12:24 pm

      Thanks for understanding, that means a lot!! x

  3. lovingmama05

    July 23, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    You are entitiled to a second opinion, and to be honest it sounds like you need one, because they’re focusing on clustering you into PD category rather than complex trauma. I know a good female consultant psychiatrist in the private sector who would do the assessment, not expensive either, and they work for a very reputable private mental health provider.

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks so much for this. Maybe it’s something I might have to consider in the future but for now because my business has gone down the pan, I have no spare cash at all x

  4. JoS (@Jo_S_)

    July 23, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    oh hun you must ask for someone more experienced to reassess this – clearly it is a disaster in how they have made you feel. I am going thro a similar thing at the mo with my local nhs and am having to fight for the specialist support that i need. i think the systems are NOT geared for complex needs! don’t give up xxx

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 12:44 pm

      Thanks so much, it’s so sad that at our most vulnerable time, we have to take on a system that is supposed to help us!! x

  5. Ali (@amow121)

    July 23, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Sweet Jesus, This decision does not make sense. Please ask for a 2nd opinion as it’s sounds like you are ready for 1-1 counselling. Sometimes 1-1 is offered too early in the recovery stage and survivors are not ready to open up. I really hope someone starts listening to you soon and you get the support you need. One size does NOT fir all! Best wishes.

  6. Samantha Jane

    July 23, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Ouch! I’m sorry he was so awful. I hope you can find the right person to help you through all this. I’m sorry he wasted your time. ♥

  7. kerrichronicles

    July 23, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I hate to hear this. You may consider crisis services. As a rape victim you are entitled to free one on one counseling there. I was raped myself and counseled with them here in Huntsville, Ala. Years later I volunteered my time there to learn that the counselors working there were victims themselves. This explained how they were able to reach me in a way that others counselors couldn’t. They understood on the deepest level. If you are not able to locate the local crisis hotline close to you, call 211 from any phone and explain your situations. 211 is community information and they work closely with the crisis centers. They will put you touch with the person that will help you. I will say a pray for you.

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 5:32 pm

      Thanks for this, I’m in the uk though so slightly different. I can get help from a voluntary organisation who specialise in rape but they are in the city centre and I’m not able to go there yet due to anxiety. Thanks for the info though, hopefully other readers will be able to use it x

      • kerrichronicles

        July 23, 2013 at 7:00 pm

        I will surely keep you my prayers. I am a victim my self and if you ever need talk, I am here to listen anytime. Feel free to email me. You can find my email address on my about page. All the best to you my friend.

  8. Grace

    July 23, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    My heart goes out to you.
    I hope you can find someone qualified who is willing to talk and listen to you. You are so brave for wanting to talk (and it does seem like you’re ready to)…I think that’s what many patients/clients shy away from…. I hope you don’t let this discourage you from trying to reach out again

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 5:33 pm

      Thanks so much, I’m trying to keep going with it and see my cc tomorrow to discuss it further x

  9. monstiegirl

    July 23, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    I’m so sorry this hasn’t worked out cause you invested such a lot of energy and hope in him getting this right. You deserve better. I honestly don’t think mainstream mental health teams have enough experience of trauma work. My psychiatrist explained to me why I got given a personality disorder questionnaire by my cpn – apparently the trauma has left me exhibiting bpd traits because of self blame and low self worth etc but as she explained, it isn’t permanent so I don’t have a diagnosis of pbd. I totally agree with you that help with flashbacks will help with mood and coping skills. Do you have a psychiatrist? Can you ask for an urgent appt? I think you should ask for a trauma specialist. They do exist in the nhs and will be working with people with ptsd. You could get an advocate – I think they listen more to people who have one. Mail me if you want advice on finding one. Sending you a very big hug and please don’t give up. Use some of that anger to keep fighting the system x

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 5:28 pm

      Thanks so much! Luckily I have my quarterly psychiatrist appointment on Monday so I’m going to bring it all up then. I’m just exhausted now – feel like giving up on the system!!

  10. Gill

    July 23, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I so sympathise! The same happened to me.

    I was told by both a Consultant Psychiatrist and a Professor (Consultant Psychiatrist and Consultant Psychotherapist) that I suffered from PTSD and major depressive disorder. And that group therapy or CBT would not help – I needed one to one therapy.

    I went through 6 assessments with a psychotherapist – and she wanted to refer me to a Democratic Therapeutic Community – like you, when I read the leaflet, it said it benefits people with Personality Disorders, which I have NOT been diagnosed with!

    I was also furious and just refused point blank to do it – but I am in the UK and it is cheaper for them to recommend that than provide me with what I have been assessed as needing.

    I am in the process of trying again to access one to one therapy, but it is hard work to fight against the system when you are suffering with flashbacks and lack of sleep….do feel free to contact me if you want some support in your battle.

    • monstiegirl

      July 23, 2013 at 3:00 pm

      I hope you have success in your fight too Gill. We should be using our energy to find a way to live with our memories, not battling the nhs to give us the support we deserve. Such a shame x

    • femaleptsd

      July 23, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      I’m sorry you’ve been through the same! I’m in the UK too and that’s the impression I’m getting, that it’s a money saving exercise. Keep me in touch with how you’re getting on x

  11. mandy1213

    July 26, 2013 at 11:20 am

    I just cried at the sight of the word rape. I guess I’m more damaged than I want to be.

    • femaleptsd

      July 27, 2013 at 10:29 pm

      I’m so sorry 😦 are you getting help? x

      • mandy1213

        July 29, 2013 at 2:09 am

        No. There’s nothing that will help. I know.

  12. kykaree

    July 27, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    I have had no help at all from the NHS luckily have private health cover. The guy I see is incredible. If you do want to try and go to the crisis centre I will come with you, even come to your house and travel in with you. Think about it.

    • femaleptsd

      July 27, 2013 at 10:28 pm

      I know I’m usually sarcastic, but this has really touched me!!! Thankyou x


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